Someone Catch that Wagon - I Just Fell Off!

Have you taken your vows as a priest?  'Cause I'm about to confess here.  Get your confessional vestments on, people!

Okay, I'll admit it.  I fell off the wagon today.  I've been doing really well this week, and then BAM!  Too much pressure, stress, anger, frustration, and hurt all boiled up and over.  I dealt with it in way I do best - with a sugary glaze and a gooey center.

I broke down this morning and bought 2 donuts.  Two, large donuts.  Two, large, goo-filled donuts that left me with a happy little sugar buzz for the next few hours.

I'm so weak.

The rest of the day went fine, until this evening, when I had to stay late at school and my angry, rumbling tummy threw my world into disarray and forced me to drive into Sonic.  I was forced, I tell you!  Forced!!  Okay, that's probably the fat-laden guilty conscious talking.

It's so hard not to get on the hamster wheel of death when it comes to excusing my poor choices.  One bad choice leads to another because, "I've already blown it for the day.  What is one more chocolate/ice cream/donut/candy bar/extra-large-double-cheeseburger-with-double-bacon-and-sweet-and-spicy-habenero-sauce really going to hurt?"

I've been down that road so many times, I can't possibly count how many extra pounds that kind of thinking has added to my thighs, butt, and stomach.  My former Weight Watchers leader would ask us, "If you walked outside and noticed that someone had slashed one of your tires, would you say, 'Oh well, I might as well go ahead and slash the other four'?  Of course not!"  But, that's exactly what I do on days like today.  I bury my feelings in food and then allow that to excuse further overeating and unhealthy choices.

It's the hamster wheel of death.  Sweet, sugary, deep-fried death.

Days 6-9: I Fight with my Inner Child

Okay, I know.  I let you down.  I told you I would.  I said it would happen, and you didn't believe me, and then BAM! Disappointment jumps out of the bushes and kicks you in the ass.

But, just because I haven't been logging my struggles and successes (many more struggles than successes, just so you know), that doesn't mean that I haven't been keeping up with the Weight Watcher's program.  I have.  It's been hard, but I have.

I found around Thursday evening, Day 6 for those of you that care to keep track with me, that I started having a tug-of-war sort of argument with my inner child.  It went something like this...

Me:  Ah, shucks.  I'm out of points for the evening.  Better pack it in, and call it a night for now.

My Inner Child:  I'm hungry.

Me:  No, no, no.  That's no way to think.  We've already eaten enough for the day, so let's get to bed, and rise bright and early with the birds and the fish, and think thin thoughts.  Come on, whaddaya say!

My Inner Child:  HUNGRY!  WANT CHOCOLATE!!!

Me:  Now, now.  Being hungry and wanting chocolate are two competely separate things.  First of all, if you're truly hungry....wait, I see what you're doing there.  Trying to get my focus off, aren't you.  Well, that's not going to work, here.  No-siree-bob.

My Inner Child:  I'M DYING!  GIMME CHOCOLATE!!!

Me:  Wouldn't it just be better if we went to bed, and started fresh in the morning?

My Inner Child:  CHOCOLATE, NOW!!!

Me:  Okay, okay, but just a little bit.  Don't tell anyone.  Here's a Weight Watchers Giant ice cream fudge bar.  See, it says "giant," so it must be big.  I'm sure Weight Watchers wouldn't falsely advertise something like that, so I'm sure it will satisfy you.

My Inner Child:  GIMME!  GIMME! GIMME!

Me:  Here, take it!  You don't have to lick the wrapper!  Now, quick, up to take a shower.  No, go ahead and eat it in the shower.  That's fine.  Whatever will get you in bed faster.

My Inner Child:  Mmmmmm....chocolate.


Okay, so that might be a slight exaggeration of what went on.  Slight.  Very, slight.

Friday, day 7 was similar, however, I still maintained tracking all of the points that I consumed this week, even though I did go over the amount I was supposed to have by about 7 points.

Saturday, day 8, is Weigh-In Saturday.

So, that's the day that I have to go to my Weight Watchers meeting and step on a scale.  And be honest about all the stuff that I ate over the week, and all the exercise that I did or did not do.

It's the day that I dread with nervous anticipation.

And so, this Saturday, I went in....

And....

Are you curious?...

Do you wanna know how I did?....

Is it bugging you that I haven't told you yet?....

I hope so.

Just a little bit.

Because I'm ornery.

And it's very likely that you are, too.

And you know it.

Okay, enough procrastinating...

I....

Well,....

I....

Can I get a drum roll here, or something?

I...

Lost 2.6 pounds this week!

Yea me!

So, that brings my weight down to 272 lbs.

I think soon I should start taking measurements with a tape measurement as well.  It should be interesting to see, if I keep up with staying on Program, how those measurements change over the course of these 30 days.

So, that's my update for now.  I'm going to go pat myself on the back now, and put my inner child to bed.

Day 5: Fat Girl in a Skinny World

Day # 5 is nearly done. I'm done eating anyway, so the day might as well be over. That's how my sick little brain works. I measure time in increments of when I get to eat my next meal.  It's not just evening now, it's 10 long, agonizing hours until breakfast.

Today I got a reminder that I'm a fat girl in a skinny world. I spent the day at a workshop with some work colleagues, and all four of them, lovely ladies that they are, are thin, beautiful people that live their lives in a skinny world full of clothes sizes that are in the single digits.  I am in the skinny world, but not of the skinny world.

I try very hard not to dislike people based on what they look like -- after all, I don't want someone judging me because I'm fat. Do you remember those commercials where the girl says, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful?" I always felt like saying "Too late!" every time they came on.

I don't really hate thin, beautiful people. I think, though, that I often feel intimidated by them. And I'm certainly jealous of them. But, for the most part, I don't dislike them just because they're thin. For the most part.

So I found myself today surrounded by thin people, and I didn't think too much of it until we  went to lunch. All five of us squeezed into a little four-door car. Of course, being the largest in the group, I got to sit in front seat.  Fat girls automatically get to call shot gun.  I'm sure they didn't think anything of it.  I, however, could think of nothing else.  A song from my Sesame Street days kept running through my head, "One of these things is not like the others. One of these things does not belong!"

When lunch was over, the same song ran through my head as I looked around the table and saw that my plate was the only one that was completely devoid of food.  Everyone else had the ability to stop eating when full or satisfied.  I, however, am a card holding member of the clean plate club. Dues are collected at the end of every meal. I've been cleaning my plate all these years, and now I don't know how not too finish everything on my plate. Think of all those starving kids in China! If I didn't clean my plate for them, it would be...well, I'm not not sure what it would be. It's not like I'm wrapping up any leftovers to send to them.  What point were my parents trying to make, anyway, when they drilled this into my head as a child?

It's unbelievable how much I think about myself, isn't it?  I feel pretty narcissistic, writing this blog about me in the first place.  Now you know that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about myself and comparing myself to everyone around me.  I'm sure you never do that, do you?

Okay, so here is the daily breakdown of food for the day. It wasn't pretty.  Tasty, but not pretty.

Breakfast:  Jimmy Dean breakfast sammich, 6 pts.
Snack: Nuts, 3 pts. String cheese, 1pt. Grapes, 0pts.
Lunch: Dox XX Fish Tacos (from On the Border) 37 points.  YIKES!!!  I had no idea they were so much until I got home.  And this is the lunch version.  How incredibly bad for you is the dinner portion?  I don't even want to know!
Snack: Choco-covered pretzels, 3 pts.  Cobblestone pastry from Panera (I know, I totally caved!) 17 pts.  Again, YIKES! 
Dinner: 1 cup rice and 1 cup stir fry veggies w/steak: 10 pts.
Desert: WW giant fudge bar, 3 pts.

Okay, so my total points that I'm supposed to eat every day is 42 points.  Today, I consumed 80 points.  Damn fish tacos!  I'll be swimming away from them next time, that's for sure.

I ate up all my extra points, as well as the activity points that I earned this week, and I'm now one point in the hole.  If I exercise and gain some activity points, I'll be fine.  And, it's quite possible that I'll be fine anyway, and still lose weight this week.  I just would rather I know that I ate within my points and didn't go over.  Two more days, and then we'll see the difference tracking, weighing and measuring made this week.  I hope its made a difference.  I'll be totally bummed if it didn't.  Thank goodness today was my last day of eating out this week.  I don't think I could last through another meal out.

I struggle so much with eating out.  Not just with cleaning my plate entirely, but also with just making wise choices while I'm eating out.  It always feels like a celebration when I eat out.  I'm not sure why that is.  One of my weight watchers leaders used to say that you need to think of it as a meal replacement.  If you're eating out simply to replace a meal that you would have otherwise made at home, then you treat it like that.  If it's not a celebration, then there's no reason for an appetizer or a desert.  And, there's no reason for choosing the cheesiest, butter-ridden, deep fried item on the menu, either.  I'm not there yet, though.  Every time I eat out, it feels like a celebration.  I also need to do a better job of choosing what I'll order before I even arrive at the restaurant. 

Tonight I found myself at Panera's to do some work, and I ordered a pastry, not knowing how many points it would cost me.  17!  It was tasty, but I doubt I would have spent the 17 points for it, if I knew how much it would cost me.  Someday, I hope to be able to go into a restaurant and be satisfied with ordering a salad or grilled fish.  Not today, though. Not today.

Day 4: The Road to Hell is Paved With Golden Arches

I hate eating out.

That's not true.  Not true at all.

I love eating out.  I love all the choices.  I love all the choices that have been deep fat fried and smothered in Hollendaise sauce.  

I hate what eating out does to me, though.  I either give up, totally throw in the towel, and order whatever I want, which is usually the most fat and calorie-laden item on the menu...or I go into nazi-diet-lady mode and suffer through a nasty, wilted salad with rubbery "grilled" chicken pieces thrown on top as an afterthought. 

I have no in-between mode.  

This week is a very frustrating week of eating out.  In fact, the first three days of the week find me having at least one meal at a restaurant.  Yesterday was lunch out, tonight was a quick drop through MickyD's, and tomorrow is another lunch out.  I don't do well with change, people!  I need consistency!!  

Honestly, I do so much better if I just bring a microwave meal, yogurt, and fruit everyday.  When I start to get all fancy and throw in eating out, I'm doomed.

I tried very, very hard to walk a line through the middle today, though.  I got chicken nuggets and fries, and yes, I know all about the pink chicken goo that McDonald's tries to pass off as chicken.  But sometimes, you just need fast and cheap, and something to keep the kids happy.  So tonight was a very fast trip to the golden arches.  We'll see what tomorrow holds in store.  

Here's the breakdown of today's munching...

Breakfast:  Jimmy Dean sammich, 6pts. Banana, 0pts.

Snack:  Nuts, 3 pts. Grapes, 0 pts.

Lunch: Microwave pizza, 7pts. Yogurt, 2pts. Choco covered pretzels, 3 pts., Dole Banana Dippers 2 pts.

Snack: Fruit, 0pts.

Dinner: Medium Fries, 10pts.  10 piece Chicken Nugget, 13 pts. Banana Dippers, 2pts.

Snack: Chai Tea, 2 pts.

I'm not sure if I included everything here, but today's total added up to 50 points.  That's 8 more points than I'm supposed to have in a day.  Luckily, I have been able to use my 49 extra weekly points sparingly the last few days, so it was no big deal.  Not to mention, I have some activity points squirreled away now. 

Can't wait to see what kind of impact actually trying to stay on plan has on Weigh-In Saturday.  Usually, I get to Wednesday and think, Oh, crap!  I gotta get on plan if I'm going to lose any weight this week!  This is the first time in a very, very long time where I've been on plan and tracking everyday.  Go, me!  Way to follow the rules!!

Day 3: We need to talk.

Baby, we need to talk. 

I like you.  I mean, I really like you.  But...

It wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you that I'm not good for you.  I'm gonna just let you down.  Someday,  you're gonna need me, and I'm not going to be there for you.  I want you to know that, and give you the choice to walk away, right now before you get hurt. 

It's not you.  It's me.

Okay, I'm not really breaking up with you.  But, I needed to say this before our relationship...bloggership...goes any farther.  I have a TERRIBLE track record for staying on plan, so there's a 99% liklihood that I'm going to screw up here any day now.  It's not going to be today, and probably won't be tomorrow, but just when you least expect it, BAM!  Disappoint comes crashing into you, just like all those fabulous "I never saw it coming" moments in movies when a car comes crashing out of nowhere right into the passenger side door.  I'm just warning you, because it's not usually the driver who gets hurt, it's whoever is in the car with him.  Just sayin'.  So, fasten your seat belt.

Alright, let's move on from the disturbing mental image of me crashing a car with you inside it, and talk about some more cheerful things.

Like exercise.  Or the fact that I got absolutely none today.  I think I sat for nearly 8 stright hours today.  My ankles are swollen to near softball size to prove it.  Gotta love day long trainings.  So, no activity points for the day, but my eating was not so....well...actually...

I ate way more points today than my daily allotment, however, I had weekly points saved up, so I'm still golden.  As long as I don't have to eat out too many more times this week.  Tomorrow is crazy, way-too-much-stress-after-school-day with me rushing the kids from the babysitters to Mr. T's work so they can get to ice skating lessons, while I rush back to school for a family night that does not involve my family at all.  Not that I'm bitter.  Oh, no.  No bitterness here, no sirree. 

Let's get down to brass tacks.  I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds impressive, doesn't it.
Breakfast: Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich.  6 points; Banana 0 points.
Snack: Grapes, O points.
Lunch: Gargantuan potato the size of my head from Jason's Deli, covered with cheesy, gooey deliciousness and worth every single point.  27 points.  Yikes!

Snack: Baked Doritos.  3 points.
Dinner: 1 cup rice and 2/3 cup Japanese curry 8 points.

The potato was big enough to keep me full all the way through dinner, so I didn't have much to eat tonight.  Plus, I was waaaaaay over my daily points limit, so I needed to eat light tonight.  Now it's just after 10, and though I have a ton of stuff I'd like to stay up and get done, I'm starving, so I'm going to force myself to go to bed.

It's funny, becaus a friend was just asking me what I do when I run out of points for the day.  My answer was go to bed, and wait for morning, or eat green beans out of a can and hope the hunger goes away.  However, it's not easy getting the kids to go to bed when it's still light outside, so sometimes you have to tough it out.  Like tonight.  Plus, we're out of green beans.

'Night!

Day 2: The Honeymoon Lives On

Here it is, Day 2 of the Hunger Games...I mean, sticking to the Weight Watchers Plan.  I don't expect to fight to the death over a Twinkie, but is only the 2nd day, so let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The day isn't over yet, but I'm feeling confident enough in how I'm doing today, to go ahead and post this.  I'm still following the plan.  I've tracked everything I've eaten today, I've stayed within my WW Points, and I even exercised for another hour today.  I'm sure you'll agree that I'm somewhat of a beast today.  Go ahead, you can say it.  Dorian, you're a beast.  Ahh, there it is.  Thanks.

So, here's a quick run down of today's food consumption, for your voyeuristic enjoyment:
Breakfast:  Cinnamon-Raisin English muffin, lightly toasted and slathered with a wedge of Cinnamon Cream Cheese spread from Laughing Cow, then toped with a halved banana.  WW Points: 4

Snack:  Weight Watchers String Cheese.  WW Points: 1

Snack #2, because snack #1 left me ravenously hungry about 17 minutes later:  Apple slices with Peanut Butter.  WW Points 2.

Lunch:  Whole Wheat Spaghetti noodles, 2 cups; Prego spaghetti Sauce with ground turkey; Garlic Toast made from hot dog buns (Is my family the only one that turns hotdog and hamburger buns into garlic toast with a little bit of olive oil and garlic salt?), Salad with croutons, other crunchy crap, and light salad dressing.  WW Points 27.  (I spent a lot of points on today's lunch.  We don't usually have big lunches, but I had the points, so no biggie.)

Dinner:  Healthy Pop Popcorn, 2 servings.  WW Points 6.  (I know what you're thinking - Popcorn for dinner? - but I'm actually not that hungry after the huge lunch I ate today, so no judging.)

I get 42 WW Points per day, so I still have 2 more to go.  Not to mention, the 49 extra weekly points that I can spend, as well.  I think I may have a chocolate ice cream bar (or a Weight Watchers variety of ice cream....I think it's made from recycled leather, perhaps?  I joke.  It tastes...good...ish.) later on, so I'll dip into those.

Feeling very proud of my accomplishments so far.  Go, me!

I'm not sure how to steer the conversation into a natural segue here, so I'm going to do this....

TOPIC NUMBER NEXT COMING UP!

Each month Weight Watchers does a little spotlight on a healthy habit.  They focus the meetings on the habit for 4 weeks, and then move on to another habit.  I can't tell you what last month's healthy habit was, because, well, let's face it...I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing with Weight Watchers, now was I.  This month's healthy habit started yesterday, and since I was paying attention (I even took notes!  How's that for paying attention!) I can relay to you that all of the Weight Watchers world is focusing all at once on this:  Slow Down.  When I saw that at first, I wasn't quite sure what to think, but I quickly realized that it had to do with slowing down while you eat.

This teacher can consume an apple
in 12 seconds flat.  You should see
what she can do to a Hot Pocket.

Now, there are all sorts of reasons that you might eat fast:  It tastes good.  You're just a fast eater.  You want to get through firsts, so you can eat seconds.  Sure, I've been there and done that, too.  But you're not truly considered a fast eater until you've lived through the life of a teacher, eating your tongue-scalding-hot-on-the-outside-still-frozen-in-the-middle-microwave-meal in the remaining 12 minutes of your 20 minute lunch break (because you do know that you can NEVER arrive to the lunch room early unless you want to a tongue lashing from somebody whose schedule is thrown off by you being 1.52 minutes early), plus the fact that you had to walk your students through the line because several of them wanted to have a milk-fight and you knew it would be best to cut them off at the pass, and then of course, there's the never ending litany of kids chorusing, "Can I go back to the room to get my coat?" and you feel the need to escort them back to the cafeteria because they have that glint in their eye that tells you they just might be a runner today and decide to take off for the hills while you're not watching.

So, if you've lived through that scenario for a year or two, you're likely set in a terrible cycle that will be very hard to break.

I'm very blessed this year to have longer than a 20 minute lunch, and I still find that I am shoveling the food in my mouth, as fast as I can.  This week, I've decided to be conscious of my super sonic food shoveling, and try to do something about it.

One member at my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday suggested slowing down by putting your fork down after every bite, and taking a sip of water after swallowing each bite.  Once I sit down to eat, that fork doesn't leave my hand until I'm tossing it in the sink, so this will be quite the challenge.

So far, it's going pretty well, as long as I'm eating with other people.  When I eat alone, I forget.  Plus, I feel like a dork.  But, all dorkiness aside, I know it's a good idea to do it, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to make that something I focus on this week.

I did notice that I felt fuller, faster when I did this.  Usually I scarf down a meal so fast, I don't feel full until I've eaten everything on my plate, and then some.  For the past two days, I was full by the time I'd eaten the food I'd portioned out when I took time to set down my fork.  I also ended up drinking a lot more water than I would have otherwise.

After I get this mastered a little better, I think the next step is to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry. I almost used the word "satisfied" there, but the problem with my little brain, well, one of the problems, anyway, is that I don't feel satisfied until I'm so full, I'm nearly uncomfortable.  But, the last two days, since I'm taking so much time to eat, I've found that moment when I know I could be done.  I sigh.  I'm no longer hungry, and any more eating that I do, is purely for the pleasure of eating and no longer has anything to do with sating my hunger.  So, I know I could quit, and should quit...

But, alas...I'm not quite there yet.  

Picture Proof Week 1

Okay, just to cover all the bases here, I'm uploading some pictures I took of myself today so I can judge for myself the physical difference that staying on Program makes.

Here we go.  No giggling.

I don't look too happy to be sharing this photo with the world, do I?

Absolutely no cracks about my...crack!

Ah yes, the side where I look like I'm pregnant.  Well, the truth is....
I'm not!  That's a donut baby in there, that's all.

Day 1 - The Beginning

So today is Day 1 of my one month challenge to actually stick with Weight Watchers and do the Program, you know, like you're supposed to. 

Here's a little history lesson for you...
I've been a Weight Watcher's member off and on for the past 10 years, ever since I came back to the States from Japan.  The most successful I've ever been was when I was living in Colorado Springs, before I became pregnant.  My lowest weight was 232.2 lbs.  I was a size 18, and 30 years old.  It was 2006.  Since then, I've had two kids, and have watched my weight increase to over 300 lbs with my first pregancy, and nearly that far with my second.  Since 2006, I have not yet been back down to a size 18, or weighing 232 lbs.   I still have the jeans though, that I bought when I finally reached a size 18.  I can remember how excited I was to be down to that size.  I had not been a size 18 since I was 18 years old and


Although I was able to fit into a smaller size of jeans, I was not able to pull off
the full-body denimn look, not like these rock stars, anyway.

left for college.  I wasn't a size 18 for long.  However, I hang on to the jeans, hoping that one day, I'll get back down to that size and that some day those will become my fat pants.

So, I've been a WW member long enough to know how the Plan works.  And evidently, I've been a member long enough to feel like I don't have to do the Plan, and I can make up my own, half-assed alternate version.  My version sucks though.  I wonder why I keep doing it.  I never get reliable results.

I followed the Plan completely today, I'm proud to say.  I tracked.  I ate within my Weight Watcher's points, even when it was hard, and on top of that, I got an hour of exercise by walking 3 miles around the park this morning. 

This morning I woke up bright and early at the crack of dawn 7:30 to get to my Weight Watchers meeting.  Since I barely tried to stay on Plan this last week, I knew I was probably in for a gain.  I didn't want to weigh-in, and wanted to take a "no weigh-in pass," but I didn't.  I hated facing the scale, but I know that just because I don't want to face up to what I did to my body this week, doesn't make the results of my actions any less real.  I can try covering my eyes, but that doesn't negate the fact that I was not kind to my body - that I scarfed down two donuts yesterday in addition to a brakfast sandwich - and that I had probably gained weight.  So, I faced the scale, even though it was hard, and watched the numbers show that I indeed, did have a gain.  .4 pounds.  Not nearly as bad I as expected, certainly not as bad as I deserved.

So, starting with today, I'm up to 274.6 lbs.  I've gained back a little more than 20 pounds since June, when I was bouncing around 250 - 255. 

I thought long and hard about whether or not to share my weight on here.  I've shared my weight in the past, but it felt harder this time, to own up to where I'm at.  I have to remind myself that it's just a number, and if you're reading this, then you're most likely someone I know personally, and I'm not too worried about you being judgy-judgy.  Shocked and appalled at first, but hopefully not judgy-judgy.  Besides, it's not like you're suddenly going to say, "Oh my gosh, 274.6! She's fat!"  Like you didn't know I was already fat to begin with.  It's not like I can hide it. 

The other day I was wearing an outfit, and as I was walking up the stairs the thought, "I wonder if this outfit makes me look fat" flitted across my mind.  It was quickly followed by the thought, "Umm, no, the fact that you are fat, makes you look fat.  The outfit is just a bonus.  Don't blame it."  So, I know that sharing the number on the scale is not likely to change anyone's perception of me.  I'm still awesome, just fat and awesome.

Drawing a Line

Although I know it's in the Bible, and Jesus did it, I'm not sure where the idea of drawing a line in the sand came from.  It doesn't matter. I have a very strong visual...maybe from watching so much TV and movies when I was younger.  I can see very clearly, someone standing on a beach with a wind-weathered stick in his hand.  He pulls the stick through the fine, white sand, and there, the line is drawn, provoking everyone around to make a choice.  Will you cross?  Or stay where you are?

Usually drawing a line in the sand is used to provoke someone, almost saying, "I dare you to cross it!"

Other times, it seems to be a symbol of making a difficult choice, one that will bring difficulty and hardship, but is a good choice and will lead to lasting happiness.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a line being drawn in the sand of my life.  I've been ignoring it.  I don't want to face what it means.  I don't want to have to deal with the choice of staying or crossing the line.  But, the irony is, not dealing - the act of not choosing - is making a choice, whether I like it or not.

I have to choose whether or not I'm going to continue down the path that I've been on for so long - unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, little discipline, lots of excuses....

Or am I going to dare myself to cross the line - take responsibility for my choices, take action, become active, stop making up excuses.

I hate this choice.  I really, really, really hate it.

Let's be honest.  I don't do well with discipline.  I struggle with it in every area of my life.  I don't think there is any single area of my life where I feel like I'm disciplined.  I am constantly struggling with this.

I don't want to be responsible for my choices.  Or, perhaps more accurately, I don't want to face the effects of my choices, and take responsibility for the reality that I've created.

I don't want to take action.  I want to take as little action as possible, and still see amazing results.  I've been waiting for that to happen a long time now.  I'm still waiting.

I don't want to be active.  I have no earthly idea how I can fit activity into my day.  Okay, that's a lie.  Let's get that out in the open.  I do have an idea of how I can fit more activity in my day, I just don't want to do it.  It means getting to bed later, and exercising late at night, or waking up early and exercising way before dawn.  Neither of those choices are ideal, so I don't want to do them.  So, I've been making the choice to do neither, and not get any exercise at all.

That's the truth.

I don't like being fat, but I like being lazy.

What an ugly thing to say about myself, but it's true.

So there's this line.  Being drawn right over there in the sand.  Can you see it?  I can.

I have to make a choice.  Am I going to stay over here on this side, where life is easy in terms of not having to try hard, but living with the awful consequences of being obese...or am I going to cross the line, and go to a place I don't want to be, where I have to try hard, but I get to live with the rewards of my work?

It's a tough decision.  I have the feeling it's similar to the one an alcoholic has to make.  Do you wallow in your own self-pity and think "I'm not worth it, so why bother trying," or or do you tell yourself, "I may not feel worth it, but I'm going to try anyway."

I've been watching myself getting fatter and fatter these last six months, and I'm disgusted with myself.  My clothes aren't fitting right.  I feel frustrated that I don't have anything to wear.  I can't stand to see myself in photographs.  I even feel embarrassed in the shower.

A few days ago, my six-year-old even noticed.
"Mommy, when is your tummy going to be smaller?  I thought it was going to be smaller by now; why is it taking so long?"  Even she seemed frustrated with me.

In the heat of the moment, when I'm faced with temptation, or it has been so long since I've eaten that I'm starting to feel really hungry, it's very difficult for me to remember the cost of popping yet another stray Halloween candy in my mouth.  The pleasure of the moment constantly wins in the battle for my attention, and my resolve flitters away like leaves in the wind when those moments happen.

I need something solid to help me hold onto my determination.  Something big, but not so daunting that I'll feel like I can't accomplish it.

Here's what I'm thinking:
I'm willing to cross the line, and give it a real fighting chance.  I'll do what needs to be done: go to my WW meetings, track points, get in extra exercise - just do the Program.
For a month.  30 days.
That's what I'll commit to giving it.
And while I'm doing it, I'm going to try to commit...no, wait, I can't just TRY here.  It's either make the commitment or don't.  There's no straddling the line in the sand here.  I have to make a choice, so I will commit to journaling every day about my month-long journey to find myself.  Find my courage.  Find my will to be a better me.

I can't make any guarantees here.
My track record isn't so good.  According to history, I'm more likely to fail, than to succeed.
But, I'm willing to cross that line, and do it whole heartedly for one month.
Let's see what happens.

Can I hold your hand, while I cross this line?