Today was weigh-in-at-Weight-Watcher's Day, and I am proud to report that I have lost another pound! Woo hoo!!
So my total is 17.2 pounds lost for the first 2 months of the year. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.
At first when I saw that I'd lost a pound, I must say, I was a little disappointed. I wanted to make the 20 lb. mark today, but then I had to do a little attitude adjustment. If I had gained a pound, I no doubt would have said, "Well, at least I ONLY gained a pound" as if I had made some great accomplishment. But, when I lose just one pound, my natural inclination is to say, "What? I ONLY lost a pound?!" with great indignation. I've got to get rid of that hyper-critical, double-standard way of negative, no-good stinkin' thinkin'. So I decided to give myself a well-deserved pat on the back, get over myself, and get started on thinking about how I'm going to stick to the plan this week.
So yea for 17 pounds gone. Seventeen pounds that I plan to never wear again.
I am, and continue to be, A ROCK STAR, one pound at time if necessary.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
An M&M Minefield
One of the funnest math lessons that we do every year in 2nd grade is learning about graphing using M&M's. The kids really love it. They get very excited about eating the M&M's, but they also get excited about the math. Here's what today's lesson entailed for my kiddos:
-Estimate the number of M&M's in your dixie cup.
-Count the number of M&M's in your dixie cup.
-Determine the difference between your estimate and the actual number of M&M's.
-Spill some of your M&M's on the floor and then proceed to ground them into the carpet before you bother to pick them up.
-Determine the number of each M&M's of each color set.
-Use <, >, and = to compare the color sets of M&M's.
-Sneak a few of the M&M's though you're not supposed to eat them yet, and try to fool the teacher....oops, that didn't work.
-Cry when the teacher takes your cup of M&M's away.
-Find the sum of 2 color groups of M&M's (that's the answer to an addition problem for those of you who have forgotten your 2nd grade math vocabulary...I know you're out there.)
-Put the M&M's into different skip-counting groups of 2's, 4's, 5's, etc. and see how many groups they make.
-Profess your undying love for the teacher and that you will never again fail to follow directions regarding eating M&M's before you're instructed to, even though they smell so good that you feel you can't help but sneak a few.
-Cry again when the teacher doesn't fall for your fake sincerity.
-Create a graph of the different M&M colors.
-Watch your friends get to Eat the M&M's.
-Give your teacher a big hug when she gives you back your cup of M&Ms to finish the worksheet, and to eat.
There really was some math in there, I promise.
So for the kids, it was a fun lesson.
For me, it was torture.
As soon as I started pouring the M&M's into the cups, I knew I was going to be a gonner. The sweet, heavenly aroma of chocolate surrounded by a thin candy shell wafted gently in the air as I passed from desk to desk helping kiddos remember what greater than, and less than means.
Thankfully, I had prepared.
I was a Girl Scout long ago, afterall.
When I stopped at the grocery store this morning to buy the M&M's, I also bought a bag of Weight Watchers chocolates just for me. I knew that if I didn't have any chocolate I would totally cave and eat the M&M's by the cupful. So I bought some chocolate that I could have, and I also bought a big ol' pack of sugar free gum. As soon as the chocolately delicious odor began slinking its way through the room and to my poor, overactive olfactory senses, I ate a WW chocolate and popped in a stick of gum.
The kids are starting to get used to seeing me chew gum at school. At first I felt bad about it, because they're not allowed to have gum at school, and they called me on it. But, they're also not allowed to bring a soda, and I proudly drink that everyday. I once had a kid ask me why I got to drink soda when they couldn't. I told him that as soon as he got his bachelor's degree and became a teacher, he could bring all the soda he wanted to school. Until then, it would be a coveted privilege that I wasn't going to share. He gave me a funny look and went back to reading his book. So now I take this same approach with chewing gum in front of the kids. I don't do it all that often, but if I need a piece of gum to keep me from making choices that could hurt me (and I mean I NEEDED a piece of gum today), then I am not going to feel bad about doing it.
So my gum saved me.
The Weight Watchers chocolate also saved me too. I didn't feel deprived. In fact, I didn't deprive myself at all. I allowed myself to eat as many WW candies as I wanted, as long as I stayed within my points. And now, I'm actually paying for it, or at least my intestines are.
WW candy, like all sugar free candy, is made from sugar alcohols. If you read the back of the package there is a warning, "Consuming too many may cause laxative effect." Ooops. I really felt bad for those poor people at the gym who were next to me on the elliptical machines because I had my headphones on and was watching my show and didn't care one bit about letting it all out as it came. It's no wonder then that by the time I was done I was the only one left on the row of machines I was using. I think it was just a coincidence, but it sure was a funny one.
So I got through the M&M day. They melted neither in my mouth, nor in my hand. And I have the bloated, gassy belly to prove it.
-Estimate the number of M&M's in your dixie cup.
-Count the number of M&M's in your dixie cup.
-Determine the difference between your estimate and the actual number of M&M's.
-Determine the number of each M&M's of each color set.
-Use <, >, and = to compare the color sets of M&M's.
-Find the sum of 2 color groups of M&M's (that's the answer to an addition problem for those of you who have forgotten your 2nd grade math vocabulary...I know you're out there.)
-Put the M&M's into different skip-counting groups of 2's, 4's, 5's, etc. and see how many groups they make.
-Create a graph of the different M&M colors.
-
There really was some math in there, I promise.
So for the kids, it was a fun lesson.
For me, it was torture.
As soon as I started pouring the M&M's into the cups, I knew I was going to be a gonner. The sweet, heavenly aroma of chocolate surrounded by a thin candy shell wafted gently in the air as I passed from desk to desk helping kiddos remember what greater than, and less than means.
Thankfully, I had prepared.
I was a Girl Scout long ago, afterall.
When I stopped at the grocery store this morning to buy the M&M's, I also bought a bag of Weight Watchers chocolates just for me. I knew that if I didn't have any chocolate I would totally cave and eat the M&M's by the cupful. So I bought some chocolate that I could have, and I also bought a big ol' pack of sugar free gum. As soon as the chocolately delicious odor began slinking its way through the room and to my poor, overactive olfactory senses, I ate a WW chocolate and popped in a stick of gum.
The kids are starting to get used to seeing me chew gum at school. At first I felt bad about it, because they're not allowed to have gum at school, and they called me on it. But, they're also not allowed to bring a soda, and I proudly drink that everyday. I once had a kid ask me why I got to drink soda when they couldn't. I told him that as soon as he got his bachelor's degree and became a teacher, he could bring all the soda he wanted to school. Until then, it would be a coveted privilege that I wasn't going to share. He gave me a funny look and went back to reading his book. So now I take this same approach with chewing gum in front of the kids. I don't do it all that often, but if I need a piece of gum to keep me from making choices that could hurt me (and I mean I NEEDED a piece of gum today), then I am not going to feel bad about doing it.
So my gum saved me.
The Weight Watchers chocolate also saved me too. I didn't feel deprived. In fact, I didn't deprive myself at all. I allowed myself to eat as many WW candies as I wanted, as long as I stayed within my points. And now, I'm actually paying for it, or at least my intestines are.
WW candy, like all sugar free candy, is made from sugar alcohols. If you read the back of the package there is a warning, "Consuming too many may cause laxative effect." Ooops. I really felt bad for those poor people at the gym who were next to me on the elliptical machines because I had my headphones on and was watching my show and didn't care one bit about letting it all out as it came. It's no wonder then that by the time I was done I was the only one left on the row of machines I was using. I think it was just a coincidence, but it sure was a funny one.
So I got through the M&M day. They melted neither in my mouth, nor in my hand. And I have the bloated, gassy belly to prove it.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Want To
No amount of quippy sayings was able to get me to lose weight.
"It'll never taste as good as thin feels."
"What you do in secret, everyone sees in public."
"Don't stuff your face, face your stuff."
All of these are well and good, but in themselves they were not motivating enough for me to get off my duff and really try to lose weight.
I needed the WANT TO.
I first learned about the WANT TO when I was in college. One of my professors was trying to quit smoking. He knew that smoking was bad for him. It was probably going to kill him. It was already interfering in his daily quality of life. But even though he knew all of these things, experienced first-hand the terrible consequences of smoking a pack a day, he still wasn't able to quit. He said to my class, "I want to WANT TO quit." He realized that he didn't really have the WANT TO, and until he had the WANT TO, he wasn't going to be able to do anything substantial.
I don't exactly know where the WANT TO comes from. I don't know why I seem to have the WANT TO now when I didn't have it for the past 20 years (almost) of attempted dieting. It's like a switch has been flipped, and instead of making excuses about why I can't do it, the WANT TO is helping me to make the choices I need to make to be successful.
Boy I really hope that I don't end up eating my words later...I hope I cling to the WANT TO like a life preserver, because that's what it is really. It's helping to save my life.
I can't pinpoint an exact day or precise moment when I found the WANT TO. But, I think I can see how it's been working. This year began with a desire. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. Every year for the past 5 years I've wanted to lose a large amount of weight. In 2005 it was "50 in '05", then "60 in '06" and "70 in '07" and you get the picture. It never happened. But I wanted it too.
So, I had the desire.
I knew that wouldn't last though. Desire fades. Quickly.
I needed something else to help motivate me.
So, I decided to blog.
I decided early on to be completely honest with myself and anyone who read this. I wasn't going to worry about offending someone by mincing words or poo-poohing over my challenges and issues with fiber. :O) I did something I've never done before, I told the world how much I weighed. And lo-and-behold, I survived. I have yet to have a friend come up to me and say "I can't believe you let yourself get to 272 pounds of chunky monkey fattiness! Really, Dorian, you ought to be ashamed!" I might have thought those thoughts to myself, but I have yet to have anyone else come up and say something like that to me.
So desire + complete and utter honesty = Motivation
At least in my case it equals motivation.
I want to have good things to say here on my blog. I want to be able to brag about another week of making awesome food and exercise choices and share with the world how much (more) weight loss I've experienced this week.
I have some other things working in my favor though. So if you're trying to lose weight or just get healthy, this is what is helping me:
-SUPPORT- I haven't yet joined Overeater's Annonymous, (though I am considering it), but I do have a very substantial and highly positive support group. All my Facebook buddies who cheer me on and encouage me through the tough weekly struggles have been worth their weight in gold. And that's a lot of friends that I'm talking about, so that's a lotta gold.
-ACCOUNTABILITY- I have a few people who regularly check up on me if I haven't blogged in awhile, and they help me stay honest. I could try to fake my way with them, but they'd totally catch it and would keep me accountable for my actions, so I don't even bother trying to fool them. I may be able to rationalize negative behavior to myself, but I can't rationalize it to them, cause they're not going to fall for it. "I needed the 5th slice of chocolate cake because it was a stressful day" doesn't fool this crowd.
-HONESTY- So yeah, I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can on the blog. But, I'm also just trying to be honest with myself. I can be the queen of rationalization when I want to, but I know deep down that doesn't get me anywhere. So if I know that I can't resist a box of a dozen donuts sitting on the counter, then I don't allow them to be in my house.
My rationalization starts to say, "Well, that's not fair to your husband. He doesn't have a problem with weight, and you shouldn't deprive him." But really, that's a bunch of bullshit and I know it. What I'm really saying is "I want to eat the donuts and I'm going to pin all the guilt of giving in to my desire on my husband bringing them in the house when he knows that I can't handle them."
I love my husband. He doesn't have a sugar addiction like I do. He can handle small portions of chocolate and baked goods. That's great for him. But that doesn't mean I have to sit by and suffer while he parades the refined-flour version of crack around the kitchen and in front of me.
It makes me absolutely crazy when I hear people say that they don't want to deprive their loved ones of sweets, deserts, candy, cookies, etc. If they were honest with themselves, they'd see that it's not about their loved ones, it's about their desire to have the "forbidden foods" and then lay the guilt at someone else's feet.
Here's what I think....If I were an alcoholic and my husband brought a case of beer and a couple bottles in the house, it wouldn't matter if he could handle it. I'M THE ADDICT, AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT SO KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME, is what I'd be yelling. Why, oh, why, do we treat our food addictions like they're anything less serious than alcoholism? I just don't think it's honest. In fact, I think it's a cop out; I don't have to feel the pain of blaming myself if I can blame my failure on you instead.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I just get so frustrated when I hear these excuses. Maybe because they're so close to home. They're the same ones I used. And look how much good they did for me: I got up to past 300 pounds. Thank you excuses for my size 26 stretchy elastic pants! You did so much for me. I mean honestly, cummon. Take some responsibility and be honest with yourself.
(I do hope you realize that I'm talking to myself here. If this pertains to you too, well then we should start a club.)
Okayyyyyyy....so I went on a little rant there. It wasn't intended. Back to the topic. What was the topic? Oh yeah, things that are working for me. Here's the last one:
-DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES, AND FORGETTING THE COST- Eating healthy is expensive. It is so much easier to eat cheap crap. Bag of apples = $3.50. Box of mac & cheese = $.69. Box of frozen Vitamuffins for breakfasts = $4.99. Box of Lil' Debbies = $2.49.
Exercise is expensive too. I spend $30 a month for the privilege (yes, I'm say that through gritted teeth) of going to the gym. DVDs aren't cheap either for those that exercise at home. My own DVD collection and it's exercise-related accoutrement is probably worth about $200.
Weight Watchers isn't cheap either. Another $40 per month, or $12 per week, just to walk in the door, have someone weight me, and listen to a half-hour lecture.
It's pricey. It's annoying. I can think of so many other things I'd like to buy with my monthly $70 payments to 24 Hour Fitness and WW's. But, they're helping me. They're giving me opportunity for success and guidance on how to reach success. And really, I can either pay for weight loss now, or I can pay for the lack of weight loss later.
Diabetes meds cost a lot. Bypass heart surgery tends to be very pricey as well. And catheters, stints, and pacemakers are also not cheap. Not to mention knee replacements, hospital fees, doctor bills, blood pressure meds, diuretics, and cholesterol pills.
So, I think maybe if I can prevent some, or all, of that stuff from happening to me by using my $70 per month fees wisely, then I'll come out ahead in the long run. "I can't afford it" is not an excuse I can use. I have to either figure out how to afford it now, or I'll have to figure out how to afford all that other stuff later.
So that's the WANT TO. And where the WANT TO has brought me. I hope I didn't bore you too badly with my ranting and raving. If I could help flip your switch from cold to hot, I would. But I can't do it for you. You have to WANT TO do it for yourself.
"It'll never taste as good as thin feels."
"What you do in secret, everyone sees in public."
"Don't stuff your face, face your stuff."
All of these are well and good, but in themselves they were not motivating enough for me to get off my duff and really try to lose weight.
I needed the WANT TO.
I first learned about the WANT TO when I was in college. One of my professors was trying to quit smoking. He knew that smoking was bad for him. It was probably going to kill him. It was already interfering in his daily quality of life. But even though he knew all of these things, experienced first-hand the terrible consequences of smoking a pack a day, he still wasn't able to quit. He said to my class, "I want to WANT TO quit." He realized that he didn't really have the WANT TO, and until he had the WANT TO, he wasn't going to be able to do anything substantial.
I don't exactly know where the WANT TO comes from. I don't know why I seem to have the WANT TO now when I didn't have it for the past 20 years (almost) of attempted dieting. It's like a switch has been flipped, and instead of making excuses about why I can't do it, the WANT TO is helping me to make the choices I need to make to be successful.
Boy I really hope that I don't end up eating my words later...I hope I cling to the WANT TO like a life preserver, because that's what it is really. It's helping to save my life.
I can't pinpoint an exact day or precise moment when I found the WANT TO. But, I think I can see how it's been working. This year began with a desire. I wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. Every year for the past 5 years I've wanted to lose a large amount of weight. In 2005 it was "50 in '05", then "60 in '06" and "70 in '07" and you get the picture. It never happened. But I wanted it too.
So, I had the desire.
I knew that wouldn't last though. Desire fades. Quickly.
I needed something else to help motivate me.
So, I decided to blog.
I decided early on to be completely honest with myself and anyone who read this. I wasn't going to worry about offending someone by mincing words or poo-poohing over my challenges and issues with fiber. :O) I did something I've never done before, I told the world how much I weighed. And lo-and-behold, I survived. I have yet to have a friend come up to me and say "I can't believe you let yourself get to 272 pounds of chunky monkey fattiness! Really, Dorian, you ought to be ashamed!" I might have thought those thoughts to myself, but I have yet to have anyone else come up and say something like that to me.
So desire + complete and utter honesty = Motivation
At least in my case it equals motivation.
I want to have good things to say here on my blog. I want to be able to brag about another week of making awesome food and exercise choices and share with the world how much (more) weight loss I've experienced this week.
I have some other things working in my favor though. So if you're trying to lose weight or just get healthy, this is what is helping me:
-SUPPORT- I haven't yet joined Overeater's Annonymous, (though I am considering it), but I do have a very substantial and highly positive support group. All my Facebook buddies who cheer me on and encouage me through the tough weekly struggles have been worth their weight in gold. And that's a lot of friends that I'm talking about, so that's a lotta gold.
-ACCOUNTABILITY- I have a few people who regularly check up on me if I haven't blogged in awhile, and they help me stay honest. I could try to fake my way with them, but they'd totally catch it and would keep me accountable for my actions, so I don't even bother trying to fool them. I may be able to rationalize negative behavior to myself, but I can't rationalize it to them, cause they're not going to fall for it. "I needed the 5th slice of chocolate cake because it was a stressful day" doesn't fool this crowd.
-HONESTY- So yeah, I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can on the blog. But, I'm also just trying to be honest with myself. I can be the queen of rationalization when I want to, but I know deep down that doesn't get me anywhere. So if I know that I can't resist a box of a dozen donuts sitting on the counter, then I don't allow them to be in my house.
My rationalization starts to say, "Well, that's not fair to your husband. He doesn't have a problem with weight, and you shouldn't deprive him." But really, that's a bunch of bullshit and I know it. What I'm really saying is "I want to eat the donuts and I'm going to pin all the guilt of giving in to my desire on my husband bringing them in the house when he knows that I can't handle them."
I love my husband. He doesn't have a sugar addiction like I do. He can handle small portions of chocolate and baked goods. That's great for him. But that doesn't mean I have to sit by and suffer while he parades the refined-flour version of crack around the kitchen and in front of me.
It makes me absolutely crazy when I hear people say that they don't want to deprive their loved ones of sweets, deserts, candy, cookies, etc. If they were honest with themselves, they'd see that it's not about their loved ones, it's about their desire to have the "forbidden foods" and then lay the guilt at someone else's feet.
Here's what I think....If I were an alcoholic and my husband brought a case of beer and a couple bottles in the house, it wouldn't matter if he could handle it. I'M THE ADDICT, AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT SO KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME, is what I'd be yelling. Why, oh, why, do we treat our food addictions like they're anything less serious than alcoholism? I just don't think it's honest. In fact, I think it's a cop out; I don't have to feel the pain of blaming myself if I can blame my failure on you instead.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I just get so frustrated when I hear these excuses. Maybe because they're so close to home. They're the same ones I used. And look how much good they did for me: I got up to past 300 pounds. Thank you excuses for my size 26 stretchy elastic pants! You did so much for me. I mean honestly, cummon. Take some responsibility and be honest with yourself.
(I do hope you realize that I'm talking to myself here. If this pertains to you too, well then we should start a club.)
Okayyyyyyy....so I went on a little rant there. It wasn't intended. Back to the topic. What was the topic? Oh yeah, things that are working for me. Here's the last one:
-DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES, AND FORGETTING THE COST- Eating healthy is expensive. It is so much easier to eat cheap crap. Bag of apples = $3.50. Box of mac & cheese = $.69. Box of frozen Vitamuffins for breakfasts = $4.99. Box of Lil' Debbies = $2.49.
Exercise is expensive too. I spend $30 a month for the privilege (yes, I'm say that through gritted teeth) of going to the gym. DVDs aren't cheap either for those that exercise at home. My own DVD collection and it's exercise-related accoutrement is probably worth about $200.
Weight Watchers isn't cheap either. Another $40 per month, or $12 per week, just to walk in the door, have someone weight me, and listen to a half-hour lecture.
It's pricey. It's annoying. I can think of so many other things I'd like to buy with my monthly $70 payments to 24 Hour Fitness and WW's. But, they're helping me. They're giving me opportunity for success and guidance on how to reach success. And really, I can either pay for weight loss now, or I can pay for the lack of weight loss later.
Diabetes meds cost a lot. Bypass heart surgery tends to be very pricey as well. And catheters, stints, and pacemakers are also not cheap. Not to mention knee replacements, hospital fees, doctor bills, blood pressure meds, diuretics, and cholesterol pills.
So, I think maybe if I can prevent some, or all, of that stuff from happening to me by using my $70 per month fees wisely, then I'll come out ahead in the long run. "I can't afford it" is not an excuse I can use. I have to either figure out how to afford it now, or I'll have to figure out how to afford all that other stuff later.
So that's the WANT TO. And where the WANT TO has brought me. I hope I didn't bore you too badly with my ranting and raving. If I could help flip your switch from cold to hot, I would. But I can't do it for you. You have to WANT TO do it for yourself.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
i LOVE exercise
I just can't get enough of it!
I love how it makes me feel! (tired & sweaty)
I love how little time it takes out of my day! (ONLY an hour to an hour and a half)
I love how it's free! (or $30 a month with a gym membership)
Most of all I love the tingly feeling I take home with me after a good workout! (kinda nauseous and shaky from low blood sugar)
Have Ifooled convinced you of my sincerity yet?
Yeah, well, me neither.
I keep trying to tell myself that if I tell myself that I like it, that I actually will.
It's not working.
I still hate it just as much as ever. And on nights like tonight when I become even more hungry and shaky after only 30 minutes on the elliptical, I can't even begin to fake out my utter disdain for the gym. I swear it was all I could do just to make it through a half hour. If it weren't for my trusty iPod and a bunch of "Heroes" episodes, I wouldn't have made it this far. Thank you Apple. Thank you very much.
I don't hate all exercise though. There are a very few exercises that I do enjoy. I like to swim, for example. However,stuffing my fat ass in a parading around in a swimsuit is not going to happen at the gym anytime soon. I also like to dance. I want to shake my groove thang. I like to boogie.
My husband and I went to see Riverdance this past Sunday evening. I enjoy a good Irish steppin'. In fact, I really would like to learn how to do it. I want to become the Dorian of the Dance! Move over Michael Flatley, your 254 lb counterpart is in town and looking to toe, heel, toe, heel, step, tap, and arm thrust with the best of 'em!
My birthday's coming up, and I asked for dance lessons. I don't particularly care what kind of dance I take, I am super hot when I dance, period. :O) My favorites are ballroom, West Coast Swing, Cha-Cha, and Salsa. Maybe I'll get to shake it, shake it to one of these in a bit. Last year Koichi and I took dance lessons through our local school district's adult education classes and we really loved it. We'd be doing it again, but they stopped offering classes on Koichi's night off. Bummer.
So, until I am able to do some exercise that I actually enjoy, I'll continue to rely on "Heroes" to get me through my 45 minute sweat-a-thons at the gym.
I love how it makes me feel! (tired & sweaty)
I love how little time it takes out of my day! (ONLY an hour to an hour and a half)
I love how it's free! (or $30 a month with a gym membership)
Most of all I love the tingly feeling I take home with me after a good workout! (kinda nauseous and shaky from low blood sugar)
Have I
Yeah, well, me neither.
I keep trying to tell myself that if I tell myself that I like it, that I actually will.
It's not working.
I still hate it just as much as ever. And on nights like tonight when I become even more hungry and shaky after only 30 minutes on the elliptical, I can't even begin to fake out my utter disdain for the gym. I swear it was all I could do just to make it through a half hour. If it weren't for my trusty iPod and a bunch of "Heroes" episodes, I wouldn't have made it this far. Thank you Apple. Thank you very much.
I don't hate all exercise though. There are a very few exercises that I do enjoy. I like to swim, for example. However,
My husband and I went to see Riverdance this past Sunday evening. I enjoy a good Irish steppin'. In fact, I really would like to learn how to do it. I want to become the Dorian of the Dance! Move over Michael Flatley, your 254 lb counterpart is in town and looking to toe, heel, toe, heel, step, tap, and arm thrust with the best of 'em!
My birthday's coming up, and I asked for dance lessons. I don't particularly care what kind of dance I take, I am super hot when I dance, period. :O) My favorites are ballroom, West Coast Swing, Cha-Cha, and Salsa. Maybe I'll get to shake it, shake it to one of these in a bit. Last year Koichi and I took dance lessons through our local school district's adult education classes and we really loved it. We'd be doing it again, but they stopped offering classes on Koichi's night off. Bummer.
So, until I am able to do some exercise that I actually enjoy, I'll continue to rely on "Heroes" to get me through my 45 minute sweat-a-thons at the gym.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A Christmas Miracle in February
After all I did wrong this last week, I have been granted a miracle. I call all miracles "Christmas Miracles." I don't know why. I just do. And I have to say it in an Elmo voice, just like on my daughter's favorite Elmo DVD.
So when I got to Weight Watchers on Saturday and found that I not only didn't gain weight, but had lost it, I felt like shouting out, "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" in my best high-pitched Elmo impression.
I didn't actually say it though.
People tend to stare when I do.
I was very, very grateful to see that on my weight tracker when the kindly, old WW worker handed it back to me. I did do a little booty shaking though. There's always room for booty shaking.
I did a whole lotta things wrong this last week. I made many poor choices and few good ones. So I am very, very thankful to have a loss this week that I didn't truly earn.
I got my nails done to celebrate.
And I didn't bump them at all before they got dry. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!
So when I got to Weight Watchers on Saturday and found that I not only didn't gain weight, but had lost it, I felt like shouting out, "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" in my best high-pitched Elmo impression.
I didn't actually say it though.
People tend to stare when I do.
I was very, very grateful to see that on my weight tracker when the kindly, old WW worker handed it back to me. I did do a little booty shaking though. There's always room for booty shaking.
I did a whole lotta things wrong this last week. I made many poor choices and few good ones. So I am very, very thankful to have a loss this week that I didn't truly earn.
I got my nails done to celebrate.
And I didn't bump them at all before they got dry. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Whoa, Nellie!
I've only ridden a horse one time in my life. I was 18. I was outgrowing my size 18 pants. I remember distinctly because I was at my friend, Audra's house, and we were going to a party at her parents' friends' house, and they had horses. I was wearing shorts and Audra's mom said that I needed to wear jeans to ride the horse. I don't know why, that was just what she suggested.
Well, I was bigger than Audra, but I was about her mom's size, so her mom lent some jeans to me. I remember them being size 18. I also remember that I could barely get them buttoned. I had a severe case of muffin top. Pretty much the entire muffin was squeezing out over the rim of the jeans.
I tried to get on the horse, but either I was not coordinated enough, or the jeans were too tight for me to raise my leg higher than 18 inches, but either way I could not get on top of that danged horse.
I tried 4 or 5 times and then gave up.
Someone had to bring a chair out for me to stand on so I could finally straddle the horse.
I still had to have someone give my butt a shove to get my ass up there.
It was pretty humiliating.
Getting back on the horse had a new meaning for me from that moment. I realized truly how hard it is to get on a horse.
This week has been that experience all over again, although I'm struggling with eating instead of a steed. I got bucked off, and I fell hard. I'm doing what I can just to dust myself off right now and take a good look at where I stand.
Do I want to just quit?
No.
Do I want to do this half-assed?
Yes. I mean, no.
Do I really want to gorge myself on chocolate?
Sometimes. No! No! Bad!!
Do I want to go back to being 292 pounds?
Absolutely not.
Can I white knuckle it through the chocolate tempations and the sugar shakes?
Yes, with lots and lots of prayer and support.
Can I get back on track with counting points?
Yes, if I make it a priority.
Can I forgive myself and move on?
Heck yeah.
Self...can you eat healthy foods and reasonable portions, even though you don't want to?
Sigh....I suppose so.
Wow, that's the spirit! Or maybe that's a somewhat deflated spirit slowly dealing with disappointment and coming back to life.
Cummon now, get back on that horse. Hyaaah!!
Neigh...
Well, I was bigger than Audra, but I was about her mom's size, so her mom lent some jeans to me. I remember them being size 18. I also remember that I could barely get them buttoned. I had a severe case of muffin top. Pretty much the entire muffin was squeezing out over the rim of the jeans.
I tried to get on the horse, but either I was not coordinated enough, or the jeans were too tight for me to raise my leg higher than 18 inches, but either way I could not get on top of that danged horse.
I tried 4 or 5 times and then gave up.
Someone had to bring a chair out for me to stand on so I could finally straddle the horse.
I still had to have someone give my butt a shove to get my ass up there.
It was pretty humiliating.
Getting back on the horse had a new meaning for me from that moment. I realized truly how hard it is to get on a horse.
This week has been that experience all over again, although I'm struggling with eating instead of a steed. I got bucked off, and I fell hard. I'm doing what I can just to dust myself off right now and take a good look at where I stand.
Do I want to just quit?
No.
Do I want to do this half-assed?
Yes. I mean, no.
Do I really want to gorge myself on chocolate?
Sometimes. No! No! Bad!!
Do I want to go back to being 292 pounds?
Absolutely not.
Can I white knuckle it through the chocolate tempations and the sugar shakes?
Yes, with lots and lots of prayer and support.
Can I get back on track with counting points?
Yes, if I make it a priority.
Can I forgive myself and move on?
Heck yeah.
Self...can you eat healthy foods and reasonable portions, even though you don't want to?
Sigh....I suppose so.
Wow, that's the spirit! Or maybe that's a somewhat deflated spirit slowly dealing with disappointment and coming back to life.
Cummon now, get back on that horse. Hyaaah!!
Neigh...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Quicksand
How can something that began so right turn into something so wrong?
I haven't been posting on my blog for two reasons:
1. I'm exhausted. I really need to get to bed before 11. That doesn't happen very often.
2. I'm ashamed. I totally have caved this week, and I didn't want to post it for all the world to see. But I know that facing my mistakes and disappointments will help me to get over them faster. So here I am...dealing.
The weekend had a good start to it. I weighed in on Saturday and lost. I felt good. I even faced the challenge of the first Chinese buffet of the year. I went in with a game plan: eat a big plate of salad, a cup of soup, and then a plate of my favorite buffet food and count every point. It worked great.
Then on Sunday I brought WW food to my sister-in-law's house for a Valentine's Day family get-together and it all went horribly, horribly awry. Oh the shame, the shame...
I brought chicken pot pie, and WW cake (angel food cake mixed with pie filling...I call them "cakies" and they're yummy). Most of the food was WW friendly, so I was doing okay until I went back for 2nds and then 3rds, and yes, even 4ths of my cakies, and some rice krispy treats my mother had brought.
By the time I got home that night I was in a sugar tizzy. Thankfully, we didn't have any candy in the house, because I would have been all over it like white on rice. But I did make a huge dent in the cakies. I was a cakie addict.
One thing lead to another, and I found myself wrapped tightly in a snowball of food addiction doing a free fall down the side of Fat Girl Mountain. That's not an Olympic sport unfortunately.
I'm still in the midst of my free fall. Just tonight I stopped at Sonic for some onion rings, and later went by Panda Express for more of their Chinese Sweet-Fire-heroin-like-chicken that I'm so addicted to. I was ready to sign-up for a slow drip IV of sweet & sour sauce right into my veins. It's bad. It's real bad. I wonder if I could take a leave of absence from life to check into a fat farm for a few months. I think I need professional help.
Why can't I just stop?? What's wrong with me?! WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD!?!
I just wish this was like a switch I could flip. FLIP! Now I can eat like a normal person. FLIP! Now I'm only going to eat food that is good for me. FLIP! Now I won't gorge myself on crab rangoons and lo-mein noodles.
I saw this clip that I'm posting below from You Tube. If I could just follow Bob Newheart's advice, life would be so much simpler.
I haven't been posting on my blog for two reasons:
1. I'm exhausted. I really need to get to bed before 11. That doesn't happen very often.
2. I'm ashamed. I totally have caved this week, and I didn't want to post it for all the world to see. But I know that facing my mistakes and disappointments will help me to get over them faster. So here I am...dealing.
The weekend had a good start to it. I weighed in on Saturday and lost. I felt good. I even faced the challenge of the first Chinese buffet of the year. I went in with a game plan: eat a big plate of salad, a cup of soup, and then a plate of my favorite buffet food and count every point. It worked great.
Then on Sunday I brought WW food to my sister-in-law's house for a Valentine's Day family get-together and it all went horribly, horribly awry. Oh the shame, the shame...
I brought chicken pot pie, and WW cake (angel food cake mixed with pie filling...I call them "cakies" and they're yummy). Most of the food was WW friendly, so I was doing okay until I went back for 2nds and then 3rds, and yes, even 4ths of my cakies, and some rice krispy treats my mother had brought.
By the time I got home that night I was in a sugar tizzy. Thankfully, we didn't have any candy in the house, because I would have been all over it like white on rice. But I did make a huge dent in the cakies. I was a cakie addict.
One thing lead to another, and I found myself wrapped tightly in a snowball of food addiction doing a free fall down the side of Fat Girl Mountain. That's not an Olympic sport unfortunately.
I'm still in the midst of my free fall. Just tonight I stopped at Sonic for some onion rings, and later went by Panda Express for more of their Chinese Sweet-Fire-heroin-like-chicken that I'm so addicted to. I was ready to sign-up for a slow drip IV of sweet & sour sauce right into my veins. It's bad. It's real bad. I wonder if I could take a leave of absence from life to check into a fat farm for a few months. I think I need professional help.
Why can't I just stop?? What's wrong with me?! WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD!?!
I just wish this was like a switch I could flip. FLIP! Now I can eat like a normal person. FLIP! Now I'm only going to eat food that is good for me. FLIP! Now I won't gorge myself on crab rangoons and lo-mein noodles.
I saw this clip that I'm posting below from You Tube. If I could just follow Bob Newheart's advice, life would be so much simpler.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
What's that sweet, hot, delicious-looking thing? It's me!!
Wahoooza! Today was weigh-in day at Weight Watchers. I am down another 2.8 pounds, making my total weight loss since January....14.2 pounds! Zowie!!
I am feeling pretty pumped about that.
I am congratulating myself on a job well done during a week from hell.
Yea me! You stuck with it. You hung in there. You ran far, far away from all things chocolate, screaming like a wee little schoolgirl. You rock!
So now that I have this good times feeling bursting into warm fuzzy feelings inside me, I want to celebrate. Who wants pie??
Oh dear. There it is. My go-to celebration for losing weight, or pretty much doing anything right always revolves around treating myself with food.
How masochistic must I be to do this to myself all the time? Good job on losing a bunch of weight, now let's gain half of it back in one big blowout of food! Maybe you don't have a problem using food as a reward for yourself, but I certainly do.
Everytime I do anything well, there's always food. An ice cream cone. Sundaes. Cookies. Cake. Pie. Mmmm....pieeeeeee.....ACK!
I can't count the number of times that I did well on the scale at Weight Watchers, and then later that day "celebrated my success" with a trip to Sonic for a Recees Peanut Butter Cup Blast. It's like I never learn!
Well, maybe not never....
I'm starting to do some things right.
I used to just say that Saturday was my "free day" to eat whatever I wanted. Then, that would always turn into a "free weekend" because of all the good food that I would have at church and at family get-togethers. Then that turned into a big ol' fight to even get back on plan by Wednesday, because I was so used to eating whatever I felt like that I struggled to get back on program. It's a wonder that I lost any weight at all this past 2 years on Weight Watchers. Twenty pounds is all I lost though, which is not too great of a track record for having paid $40 a month for the past two years.
So no more free weekends.
No more rewards for weight loss (or anything else for that matter) with food.
If I want ice cream or cake, I have to count it and have the points for it. I know this is possible. I did it just this last week while I ate a big ol' dish of vanilla soft serve at school. I had the points. I fit it in. And that was the best-tasting, guilt-free ice cream I think I've ever had.
Today I'm going to reward myself for my hard work and my newly-forming body. I'm getting a little somethin' somethin' for me from the lingerie department that will make me feel sexy and proud of my accomplishments. That's something a hot fudge sundae will never be able to do.
I am feeling pretty pumped about that.
I am congratulating myself on a job well done during a week from hell.
Yea me! You stuck with it. You hung in there. You ran far, far away from all things chocolate, screaming like a wee little schoolgirl. You rock!
So now that I have this good times feeling bursting into warm fuzzy feelings inside me, I want to celebrate. Who wants pie??
Oh dear. There it is. My go-to celebration for losing weight, or pretty much doing anything right always revolves around treating myself with food.
How masochistic must I be to do this to myself all the time? Good job on losing a bunch of weight, now let's gain half of it back in one big blowout of food! Maybe you don't have a problem using food as a reward for yourself, but I certainly do.
Everytime I do anything well, there's always food. An ice cream cone. Sundaes. Cookies. Cake. Pie. Mmmm....pieeeeeee.....ACK!
I can't count the number of times that I did well on the scale at Weight Watchers, and then later that day "celebrated my success" with a trip to Sonic for a Recees Peanut Butter Cup Blast. It's like I never learn!
Well, maybe not never....
I'm starting to do some things right.
I used to just say that Saturday was my "free day" to eat whatever I wanted. Then, that would always turn into a "free weekend" because of all the good food that I would have at church and at family get-togethers. Then that turned into a big ol' fight to even get back on plan by Wednesday, because I was so used to eating whatever I felt like that I struggled to get back on program. It's a wonder that I lost any weight at all this past 2 years on Weight Watchers. Twenty pounds is all I lost though, which is not too great of a track record for having paid $40 a month for the past two years.
So no more free weekends.
No more rewards for weight loss (or anything else for that matter) with food.
If I want ice cream or cake, I have to count it and have the points for it. I know this is possible. I did it just this last week while I ate a big ol' dish of vanilla soft serve at school. I had the points. I fit it in. And that was the best-tasting, guilt-free ice cream I think I've ever had.
Today I'm going to reward myself for my hard work and my newly-forming body. I'm getting a little somethin' somethin' for me from the lingerie department that will make me feel sexy and proud of my accomplishments. That's something a hot fudge sundae will never be able to do.
Friday, February 12, 2010
WON'T Power
Someone posted something in reply to one of my blog postings the other day that has had me thinking ever since.
Someone wrote: I wish I had your willpower.
When I read that, I laughed. I cried. I peed my pants.
I couldn't believe it.
Perhaps this person hasn't read all of my blog musings.
Or perhaps this person doesn't know me so well.
I'm sure they meant it in the kindest possible way, so I'm not trying to make this friend feel badly, because it was nice of them to say.
But of all the people in the world that I know, I have the least WILL power of anyone.
It's true.
I'm a wimp.
A wuss.
A big ol' gluttonous lump of doughy flesh that can not resist even a teeny-tiny Hershey's kiss just for the time it takes to even spell the word "temptation."
But I'm okay with this.
I'm learning to accept that I have limits.
I can not WILL myself to make good choices if there are certain types of food around.
I know that I will cave every time if there is chocolate, cake, cookies, baked goods, nuts, or Hollandaise sauce in my immediate proximity.
I can live with that.
Because I can run away.
Far, far away.
I'm not ashamed to say that I'm afraid to even be in the same room with certain foods. I'm learning to make the choice that I WON'T allow myself to be around those foods that cause me so much temptation that all I can think about is eating them.
I received so many nice presents from my students. Most of them were chocolate. So I gave them away tocrazy people who I hate because they can keep from gorging themselves I love.
I don't buy food that I can't handle.
I don't even allow my husband to step in the house with food that I can't handle.
And I'm learning tohide in fear step away with dignity and pride when I encounter places that are filled with treats that I don't handle well.
So, I may not have a lot of willpower, but I have plenty of WONT power.
I WON'T allow myself to become derailed.
I WON'T put myself in places that offer too much temptation.
I WON'T allow food that I can't handle in my home or where I work.
I think I should add some other WON'Ts to this list, too:
I WON'T quit.
I WON'T give up.
I WON'T back down.
I WON'T stop believing that I'm good enough, strong enough, brave enough to make this happen.
Can I get an AMEN?!
Someone wrote: I wish I had your willpower.
When I read that, I laughed. I cried. I peed my pants.
I couldn't believe it.
Perhaps this person hasn't read all of my blog musings.
Or perhaps this person doesn't know me so well.
I'm sure they meant it in the kindest possible way, so I'm not trying to make this friend feel badly, because it was nice of them to say.
But of all the people in the world that I know, I have the least WILL power of anyone.
It's true.
I'm a wimp.
A wuss.
A big ol' gluttonous lump of doughy flesh that can not resist even a teeny-tiny Hershey's kiss just for the time it takes to even spell the word "temptation."
But I'm okay with this.
I'm learning to accept that I have limits.
I can not WILL myself to make good choices if there are certain types of food around.
I know that I will cave every time if there is chocolate, cake, cookies, baked goods, nuts, or Hollandaise sauce in my immediate proximity.
I can live with that.
Because I can run away.
Far, far away.
I'm not ashamed to say that I'm afraid to even be in the same room with certain foods. I'm learning to make the choice that I WON'T allow myself to be around those foods that cause me so much temptation that all I can think about is eating them.
I received so many nice presents from my students. Most of them were chocolate. So I gave them away to
I don't buy food that I can't handle.
I don't even allow my husband to step in the house with food that I can't handle.
And I'm learning to
So, I may not have a lot of willpower, but I have plenty of WONT power.
I WON'T allow myself to become derailed.
I WON'T put myself in places that offer too much temptation.
I WON'T allow food that I can't handle in my home or where I work.
I think I should add some other WON'Ts to this list, too:
I WON'T quit.
I WON'T give up.
I WON'T back down.
I WON'T stop believing that I'm good enough, strong enough, brave enough to make this happen.
Can I get an AMEN?!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Talk to the Hand
My brother Dwain once said that I belong to a strange, yet powerful subculture of Americans: Americans who write on their hands to remember things. I am proud, card-carrying member of this subculture. It has sure helped me remember many an important to-do.
I may have the shortest memory in existance.
Wait, what was I writing about again?
See? Told you.
So, I have to write things down in order to remember them. Sometimes I write these very important things down on a notepad. Buy yogurt. Call dentist. Don't forget your daughter at the babysitter's again.
But sometimes, even though I write it down on paper, I still forget. (Sorry Lily.)
So, if something is really important, and I just can't seem to remember to do it, get it, or show up for it on time, I write it down on my hand.
It's not very pretty, I'll admit. But it is effective. I realize I look like an idiot, but I'm an idiot who remembers stuff more readily if it's written down on the back of my hand where it's sitting as a constant, nagging reminder that I need to pay attention to something other than myself for a change.
So this morning, I really wanted to write something down on my hand.
(Yes, there is a point to this. I'm getting there. Be patient.)
This morning I really wanted to write the numbers
2
5
2
because when I stepped on the scale this morning, that's what I saw.
I squealed.
I did a little happy dance.
And then I think I peed my pants a little, I was so excited.
252
Could it really be?
Is it just a glitch?
Is the scale lying?
Do I own a dishonest, masochistic scale that deals in falsehoods and untruths?
My poor scale.
It had to endure me weighing 5 times, just to be sure.
I'm sure it did not appreciate that I was questioning its integrity, but I couldn't help it.
252
That's a big difference from 259 at the beginning of the week.
Now, I realize that my scale and the Weight Watchers scale do not weigh me the same. The Weight Watchers scale truly is masochistic, because it's always 2-3 pounds heavier than my scale at home. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the fact that I weigh in the glorious buff at home, and that seems to be frowned upon at WW, so I have to get all dressed up in clothing when I weight there. Some people and their high standards for hygiene. Sheesh!
So I was pretty excited to see that number this morning. I wanted to write it down on my hand so that I would be mindful of it all day long. I knew today would be another day of difficult choices with the Valentine's Day party and then Parent-Teacher conferences. But, because of Parent-Teacher conferences, and the need tofool people into thinking I look professional, I decided not to write the number on the back of my hand.
I still thought about it all day, though.
I thought about it when I received 6 heart-shaped boxes of chocolates.
I thought about it when I chose to eat mybland and boring delectable Lean Cuisine fish instead of the school's hot dog lunch (with cookie).
I thought about it when one of my students from last year delivered a canister of his grandma's homemade brownies.
I even thought of it when I had a big ol' salad and a piece of Hawaiian pizza for dinner. (Subs and pizza! I knew it!!) It's what kept me eating only one piece of pizza instead of 5. That's progress, my friends!
So tonight I'm very happy to say that I stayed within my points.
I counted everything I ate.
(In fact, a fellow teacher caught me counting points in my head before I went into the lounge to get dinner. I was trying to figure out how many points that I had left for the day. I must have looked like some dazed opium addict or something, because she asked if I was doing okay.)
I didn't let the food control my choices.
I let my choices control my food.
That's a good feeling.
I think I'm going to write, "Go me!" on the back of my hand now.
I may have the shortest memory in existance.
Wait, what was I writing about again?
See? Told you.
So, I have to write things down in order to remember them. Sometimes I write these very important things down on a notepad. Buy yogurt. Call dentist. Don't forget your daughter at the babysitter's again.
But sometimes, even though I write it down on paper, I still forget. (Sorry Lily.)
So, if something is really important, and I just can't seem to remember to do it, get it, or show up for it on time, I write it down on my hand.
It's not very pretty, I'll admit. But it is effective. I realize I look like an idiot, but I'm an idiot who remembers stuff more readily if it's written down on the back of my hand where it's sitting as a constant, nagging reminder that I need to pay attention to something other than myself for a change.
So this morning, I really wanted to write something down on my hand.
(Yes, there is a point to this. I'm getting there. Be patient.)
This morning I really wanted to write the numbers
2
5
2
because when I stepped on the scale this morning, that's what I saw.
I squealed.
I did a little happy dance.
And then I think I peed my pants a little, I was so excited.
252
Could it really be?
Is it just a glitch?
Is the scale lying?
Do I own a dishonest, masochistic scale that deals in falsehoods and untruths?
My poor scale.
It had to endure me weighing 5 times, just to be sure.
I'm sure it did not appreciate that I was questioning its integrity, but I couldn't help it.
252
That's a big difference from 259 at the beginning of the week.
Now, I realize that my scale and the Weight Watchers scale do not weigh me the same. The Weight Watchers scale truly is masochistic, because it's always 2-3 pounds heavier than my scale at home. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the fact that I weigh in the glorious buff at home, and that seems to be frowned upon at WW, so I have to get all dressed up in clothing when I weight there. Some people and their high standards for hygiene. Sheesh!
So I was pretty excited to see that number this morning. I wanted to write it down on my hand so that I would be mindful of it all day long. I knew today would be another day of difficult choices with the Valentine's Day party and then Parent-Teacher conferences. But, because of Parent-Teacher conferences, and the need to
I still thought about it all day, though.
I thought about it when I received 6 heart-shaped boxes of chocolates.
I thought about it when I chose to eat my
I thought about it when one of my students from last year delivered a canister of his grandma's homemade brownies.
I even thought of it when I had a big ol' salad and a piece of Hawaiian pizza for dinner. (Subs and pizza! I knew it!!) It's what kept me eating only one piece of pizza instead of 5. That's progress, my friends!
So tonight I'm very happy to say that I stayed within my points.
I counted everything I ate.
(In fact, a fellow teacher caught me counting points in my head before I went into the lounge to get dinner. I was trying to figure out how many points that I had left for the day. I must have looked like some dazed opium addict or something, because she asked if I was doing okay.)
I didn't let the food control my choices.
I let my choices control my food.
That's a good feeling.
I think I'm going to write, "Go me!" on the back of my hand now.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Doggie Paddling
Okay, one day down!
I am treading water, but at least I'm not drowning. Not completely.
I've had so much encouragement today that I've been able to make good choices and even had a (somewhat) positive attitude throughout the day.
This morning a good friend prayed for me.
Another friend reminded me of how great it is to brag on our students' accomplishments.
Another friend gave me encouragement to stay far away from the cupcakes in the teachers' lounge.
One friend encouraged me to write my instructor for an extension on my project.
Several friends and family members gave great advice on how to work in a little exercise even when time is short and I can't make it to the gym.
And everyone who wrote reminded me that I CAN DO IT.
And I did do it.
I got through the day.
With a smile for the most part.
I laughedat with my kids.
Ireluctantly drank some water.
Ichoked down enjoyed a tasteless cardboard delicious and nutritious Healthy Choice pizza for dinner instead of the yummy calorie-infested sub sandwiches.
Ibarely skillfully ate within my points.
And I am proud of my success for today.
You know, just as a side, I love the strike-through tool. You may have not noticed that. I wish that I could just put a little editing mark through my attitude sometimes. Instead of waking up and thinking "What the %$#*! is with today?!" I could just strike it all out and say to myself, "What a glorious day to be alive! Okay self, let's not waste a moment of it!!" That would certainly be morenauseatingly chipper.
I am treading water, but at least I'm not drowning. Not completely.
I've had so much encouragement today that I've been able to make good choices and even had a (somewhat) positive attitude throughout the day.
This morning a good friend prayed for me.
Another friend reminded me of how great it is to brag on our students' accomplishments.
Another friend gave me encouragement to stay far away from the cupcakes in the teachers' lounge.
One friend encouraged me to write my instructor for an extension on my project.
Several friends and family members gave great advice on how to work in a little exercise even when time is short and I can't make it to the gym.
And everyone who wrote reminded me that I CAN DO IT.
And I did do it.
I got through the day.
With a smile for the most part.
I laughed
I
I
I
And I am proud of my success for today.
You know, just as a side, I love the strike-through tool. You may have not noticed that. I wish that I could just put a little editing mark through my attitude sometimes. Instead of waking up and thinking "What the %$#*! is with today?!" I could just strike it all out and say to myself, "What a glorious day to be alive! Okay self, let's not waste a moment of it!!" That would certainly be more
Monday, February 8, 2010
Oh, crap....
I just don't know what to do with this week.
I'm on the verge of tears. Stressed out. Sleep deprived. Frustrated. And angry.
I blame everything but myself. I can do that, right?
So here's the what:
Parent-Teacher conferences this week. Two nights and one morning of smiling, nodding, and saying, "Really? He's able to do that at home, but not demonstrate that here at school? Hmmm, interesting..."
I actually don't mind Parent-Teacher conferences (most of the time), but I do mind that they go until 7:30 at night which is right in the middle of my workout time. (And before some smart-aleck says "Why don't you get up a little early and exercise?" and makes me want to smack them, I'd have to say that I'm already getting up as early as I can get my lazy butt out of bed, and I'm not getting up any earlier. You can't make me.) So there's that little issue, not to mention that for both nights dinner will be provided by the PTA, which is nice and all, but I predict that one night will be greasy pizza, and the other night will be sub sandwiches. Neither of those are exactly low in points.
So with no exercise and sad dinner choices, I'm feeling pretty bummed. But that's not all.
I have my first big project due for my current graduate-level class in digital photography, specifically using Photoshop to doctor a photo. I've never used Photoshop before in my life, and I'm way intimidated. I've been checking out tutorials online, but when I try to do it, something just seems to keep going wrong. I'm a Photoshop flunky. It's stressing me out big time because I have to have my project ready for peer review by midnight on Wednesday, and I don't have time to work on it because of, you guessed it!, Parent-Teacher conferences. Uggh.
But...THAT'S NOT ALL!!
Before I go on, let's do a little recap:
Parent-Teacher conferences = big stress
No time to exercise = big butt
No pizza = good choice, but sad little me
Homework Assignment = more big stress
No time = hives, jitters and spasms in my left eye
Finally (Geeze, it's like this week of whining will NEVER end!), we have our class Valentine's Day party on Wednesday. What's the big deal, you ask? The deal is that every year I get a bunch of candy, chocolates and cookies from my students. Have you been listening about me and chocolate?? I just don't know if I'm going to survive this Wednesday. There's only so much White Knuckling Moment that I can take. If it were just the presents, maybe I could handle that, but then there's the party food...ON MY DESK. I wish there was another desk to set food on, way across the other side of the room, but there just isn't. Hmm....maybe I can finagle something though. Hey little Jimmy, you don't need your desk for the last hour of school today, do you? You don't mind standing, right? I can work with that.
So now that it's midnight, I'm going to take a shower, obsess over any indications of shrinking on my naked body for a few minutes, and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. I can make it.
Cummon you! Think positive thoughts!!
I can make good choices.
I can just say no to chocolate and cookies and cake and ice cream. Maybe.
I can bring dinner to school and stay far, far away fromyummy, delicious disgustingly greasy pizza.
I can do my best to figure out at least something on Photoshop and procure an A for myself and my 4.0 GPA.
I can find something positive to say about every child. Well....almost every child.
I can make it. I am strong. I am an Amazon.
Roar?
I'm on the verge of tears. Stressed out. Sleep deprived. Frustrated. And angry.
I blame everything but myself. I can do that, right?
So here's the what:
Parent-Teacher conferences this week. Two nights and one morning of smiling, nodding, and saying, "Really? He's able to do that at home, but not demonstrate that here at school? Hmmm, interesting..."
I actually don't mind Parent-Teacher conferences (most of the time), but I do mind that they go until 7:30 at night which is right in the middle of my workout time. (And before some smart-aleck says "Why don't you get up a little early and exercise?" and makes me want to smack them, I'd have to say that I'm already getting up as early as I can get my lazy butt out of bed, and I'm not getting up any earlier. You can't make me.) So there's that little issue, not to mention that for both nights dinner will be provided by the PTA, which is nice and all, but I predict that one night will be greasy pizza, and the other night will be sub sandwiches. Neither of those are exactly low in points.
So with no exercise and sad dinner choices, I'm feeling pretty bummed. But that's not all.
I have my first big project due for my current graduate-level class in digital photography, specifically using Photoshop to doctor a photo. I've never used Photoshop before in my life, and I'm way intimidated. I've been checking out tutorials online, but when I try to do it, something just seems to keep going wrong. I'm a Photoshop flunky. It's stressing me out big time because I have to have my project ready for peer review by midnight on Wednesday, and I don't have time to work on it because of, you guessed it!, Parent-Teacher conferences. Uggh.
But...THAT'S NOT ALL!!
Before I go on, let's do a little recap:
Parent-Teacher conferences = big stress
No time to exercise = big butt
No pizza = good choice, but sad little me
Homework Assignment = more big stress
No time = hives, jitters and spasms in my left eye
Finally (Geeze, it's like this week of whining will NEVER end!), we have our class Valentine's Day party on Wednesday. What's the big deal, you ask? The deal is that every year I get a bunch of candy, chocolates and cookies from my students. Have you been listening about me and chocolate?? I just don't know if I'm going to survive this Wednesday. There's only so much White Knuckling Moment that I can take. If it were just the presents, maybe I could handle that, but then there's the party food...ON MY DESK. I wish there was another desk to set food on, way across the other side of the room, but there just isn't. Hmm....maybe I can finagle something though. Hey little Jimmy, you don't need your desk for the last hour of school today, do you? You don't mind standing, right? I can work with that.
So now that it's midnight, I'm going to take a shower, obsess over any indications of shrinking on my naked body for a few minutes, and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. I can make it.
Cummon you! Think positive thoughts!!
I can make good choices.
I can just say no to chocolate and cookies and cake and ice cream. Maybe.
I can bring dinner to school and stay far, far away from
I can do my best to figure out at least something on Photoshop and procure an A for myself and my 4.0 GPA.
I can find something positive to say about every child. Well....almost every child.
I can make it. I am strong. I am an Amazon.
Roar?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Chugga chugga, chugga chugga! Choo! Choooooo!
Yep, you guessed it. I AM the little engine that could.
I chugga chugged my way through a really terrible week at work.
I chugga chugged my way through sleep deprivation.
I chugga chugged my way through 6 days of working out.
I chugga chugged my way into earning more points than I ate this week.
And so, I chugga chugged my way into losing 2.4 pounds this week! Woo hoo! I mean, Choo, choo!!
So as of today, my weight is 259 'point' 2. Yea! I'm back in the 50's! Rock on!! I haven't been in the 250s since I was pregnant with Lily and my weight was creeping up the scale. Actually, when I was pregnant, my weight wasn't so much creeping as it was doing a quick sprint up the scale. I was careful with what I ate when I was pregnant, but not how much I ate.
When I found out I was pregnant I had already gained back about 20 pounds from a 40 pound weight-loss that I had accomplished doing the "Core" program in Weight Watchers. I was at 250 the day that I found out I was pregnant. The last time I looked at the scale during my pregnancy though, was when I had ballooned up to 292. I asked the OB doctor to just keep my weight a secret from me, so I don't actually know how heavy I got, but I know it was definitely above 300 pounds. Yikes! I've never told anyone that before, so consider yourselves members of a very secret society. I'll be developing a secret handshake very soon. It may involve a chest bump. Just FYI.
So this is a very exciting time for me because I am definitely losing baby weight. Only 10 more pounds to go before I am in the pre-pregnancy zone. That's pretty exciting. So now my next mini goal is get down to 249. When I'm there, I will do a big happy dance, because I will finally be closer to 200 pounds than 300. That's worth celebrating right there.
After Weight Watchers I decided to visit my brother's grave. I don't know why I felt the urge to go there today, but I did, so I went. There was snow on the hill where he's buried. And there was a bulldozer digging a new grave in the area where my brother was laid, so I couldn't get too close. I still am not sure what I was doing there today, I just felt the need to go. I miss him a lot.
Today at WW, the topic was about motivation, and for me, Dwain's death was a big motivation to lose weight. (If you haven't read the post I made about my brother, you can read it here.) Even after he died, it took awhile for me to really take getting healthy to become a serious priority for me. I'm glad that it is now. I think he's probably pretty glad that I'm taking it seriously now as well.
Ten more pounds. I think I can! I think I can!
It's a lot easier to chug it along with all the encouragement I have surrounding me. I have encouragers here on earth, and I am fairly certain I have some up in Heaven saying, "You can do this!"
So here I go.....chugga chugga, chugga chugga, chugga chugga....Choo! Choo!!
I chugga chugged my way through a really terrible week at work.
I chugga chugged my way through sleep deprivation.
I chugga chugged my way through 6 days of working out.
I chugga chugged my way into earning more points than I ate this week.
And so, I chugga chugged my way into losing 2.4 pounds this week! Woo hoo! I mean, Choo, choo!!
So as of today, my weight is 259 'point' 2. Yea! I'm back in the 50's! Rock on!! I haven't been in the 250s since I was pregnant with Lily and my weight was creeping up the scale. Actually, when I was pregnant, my weight wasn't so much creeping as it was doing a quick sprint up the scale. I was careful with what I ate when I was pregnant, but not how much I ate.
When I found out I was pregnant I had already gained back about 20 pounds from a 40 pound weight-loss that I had accomplished doing the "Core" program in Weight Watchers. I was at 250 the day that I found out I was pregnant. The last time I looked at the scale during my pregnancy though, was when I had ballooned up to 292. I asked the OB doctor to just keep my weight a secret from me, so I don't actually know how heavy I got, but I know it was definitely above 300 pounds. Yikes! I've never told anyone that before, so consider yourselves members of a very secret society. I'll be developing a secret handshake very soon. It may involve a chest bump. Just FYI.
So this is a very exciting time for me because I am definitely losing baby weight. Only 10 more pounds to go before I am in the pre-pregnancy zone. That's pretty exciting. So now my next mini goal is get down to 249. When I'm there, I will do a big happy dance, because I will finally be closer to 200 pounds than 300. That's worth celebrating right there.
After Weight Watchers I decided to visit my brother's grave. I don't know why I felt the urge to go there today, but I did, so I went. There was snow on the hill where he's buried. And there was a bulldozer digging a new grave in the area where my brother was laid, so I couldn't get too close. I still am not sure what I was doing there today, I just felt the need to go. I miss him a lot.
Today at WW, the topic was about motivation, and for me, Dwain's death was a big motivation to lose weight. (If you haven't read the post I made about my brother, you can read it here.) Even after he died, it took awhile for me to really take getting healthy to become a serious priority for me. I'm glad that it is now. I think he's probably pretty glad that I'm taking it seriously now as well.
Ten more pounds. I think I can! I think I can!
It's a lot easier to chug it along with all the encouragement I have surrounding me. I have encouragers here on earth, and I am fairly certain I have some up in Heaven saying, "You can do this!"
So here I go.....chugga chugga, chugga chugga, chugga chugga....Choo! Choo!!
Friday, February 5, 2010
I'm a Pod Person from Outer Space
I must be a pod person.
I swear my body has been taken over by aliens.
Aliens who like to sweat.
Aliens who enjoy exercise.
Aliens who got me to stay on the elliptical for 60 minutes today!!
That's how I know my body has been taken over by aliens, because there is absolutely NO WAY that I would work out through 60 continuous minutes of elliptical hell.
It must be aliens.
Or it could be that I'm addicted to watching HEROES on my IPod, and I just wanted to see what was going to happen on the next episode and I lost track of time, and I exercised for 60 minutes somewhat by mistake. That could be it, too.
But IPods May be Dangerous to Your Couch Potato Ways doesn't sound nearly as headline-making as Fat Girl Forced to an Hour of Grueling Exercise by Gym-Loving Extraterrestrials! If I were writing a column, I'd definitely go for the second headliner.
Seriously though, I almost don't recognize myself sometimes. Who is this person making good choices and being all healthy and stuff???
Today I went to Panera's for lunch. Mmmmm......Panera.........bready goodness....*gurgle*, *gurgle*, *drool*, *slurp*.....
Sorry, I'm back!
One of the things I really love about Panera besides the awesomely tasty yummies they make is the fact that they offer free Wi-Fi, and it's a good enough signal that I can get it even out in the parking lot. So, I sat outside the restaurant for 15 minutes looking through the Panera Bread website, searching for nutritional information on the different foods I was interested in getting for lunch. I was SO GLAD that I spent that time in the parking lot looking like some sort of weird techno stalker person, because I was able to make a really well-informed decision about my lunch.
I looked through some of my favorite sandwiches to find out how many Weight Watchers points they would cost me for the day. So I looked up my absolute favorite sandwich: Frontega Chicken.
Guess how many points the Frontega Chicken sandwich costs.
Ten, my friends. Ten, all by its little lonesome self!
Now, I only get to have 32 points everyday, so that might give you an idea of how much fat and how many calories this sandwich has in it (430 calories and 20 grams of fat, actually). I usually spend about 10-11 points on my entire lunch, including desert if I'm going to have any, so I wanted to find something comparable here.
Oh yeah, by the way, that's the amount of points for HALF of a sandwich! I always get the "You Pick Two" with a bowl of French Onion Soup (5 points) and half of a sandwich.
So, I decided to check out my next favorite sandwich: Tomato Mozzarella. How many points would you estimate for it?
Eight points.
Better, but still pretty high in the point range just for a lunch.
I decided to keep looking.
What's this? The Mediterranean Veggie sandwich with cilantro hummus and feta? That sounds like it could be tasty.
Oooh, and only 6 points (with only 300 calories and 7 grams of fat!)! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!!
Okay, so when it got to the choice of an apple, chips, or bread to go with my lunch, I caved and got the baguette. I LOVE Panera bread, and since I'd done my homework, I knew I could splurge 3 points on a crispy hunk of Frenchly-divine bread. It was delish!
So normally, my "healthy" lunch at Panera would cost me 28 points for a cup of soup, half of a Frontega Chicken sandwich, hunk of bread, and of course, a chocolate chip cookie.
Today's lunch from Panera was exactly half of that! 14 points baby, boo-yah!!
I was so proud of myself for making good choices at lunch today.
But again, this is not me making these choices. This must be some weird pod person from the planet Mars who has taken over my body.
And finally, tonight's dinner was tough.
Papa Murphy's pizza at my sister-in-law's house. Yummmmmmmmmy!
Normally, I don't eat pizza on a Friday before a Saturday morning weigh-in, but I wasn't the one buying tonight, so there you go. I can't believe I really did this, but I stopped at only 2 pieces! If you're a thin person and all you ever have is one or two pieces, then, well, I hate you. Sorry to be brutal, but I do. Everyone else who isn't like that can understand how INCREDIBLY hard it is to eat only a couple slices of pizza.
My saving grace was that I was sweaty and stinky from working out, and I had brought a change of clothes with me. I asked Jen if I could use her shower and I booked it in there after my 2 pieces were gone. I was still hungry for more when I went to take my shower, but by the time I got out, I was ok with having just 2 slices. I still had to stay far, far away from the leftovers, but I could control myself if I didn't wander into the kitchen.
I'm nervous about tomorrow's weigh in, but I really did my best this week. I tried hard. I exercised hard. (I earned 67 activity points from exercising so hard this week!) I made good choices.
Hopefully all these hard decisions will show up tomorrow on the scale.
Keep your fingers crossed.
I swear my body has been taken over by aliens.
Aliens who like to sweat.
Aliens who enjoy exercise.
Aliens who got me to stay on the elliptical for 60 minutes today!!
That's how I know my body has been taken over by aliens, because there is absolutely NO WAY that I would work out through 60 continuous minutes of elliptical hell.
It must be aliens.
Or it could be that I'm addicted to watching HEROES on my IPod, and I just wanted to see what was going to happen on the next episode and I lost track of time, and I exercised for 60 minutes somewhat by mistake. That could be it, too.
But IPods May be Dangerous to Your Couch Potato Ways doesn't sound nearly as headline-making as Fat Girl Forced to an Hour of Grueling Exercise by Gym-Loving Extraterrestrials! If I were writing a column, I'd definitely go for the second headliner.
Seriously though, I almost don't recognize myself sometimes. Who is this person making good choices and being all healthy and stuff???
Today I went to Panera's for lunch. Mmmmm......Panera.........bready goodness....*gurgle*, *gurgle*, *drool*, *slurp*.....
Sorry, I'm back!
One of the things I really love about Panera besides the awesomely tasty yummies they make is the fact that they offer free Wi-Fi, and it's a good enough signal that I can get it even out in the parking lot. So, I sat outside the restaurant for 15 minutes looking through the Panera Bread website, searching for nutritional information on the different foods I was interested in getting for lunch. I was SO GLAD that I spent that time in the parking lot looking like some sort of weird techno stalker person, because I was able to make a really well-informed decision about my lunch.
I looked through some of my favorite sandwiches to find out how many Weight Watchers points they would cost me for the day. So I looked up my absolute favorite sandwich: Frontega Chicken.
Guess how many points the Frontega Chicken sandwich costs.
Ten, my friends. Ten, all by its little lonesome self!
Now, I only get to have 32 points everyday, so that might give you an idea of how much fat and how many calories this sandwich has in it (430 calories and 20 grams of fat, actually). I usually spend about 10-11 points on my entire lunch, including desert if I'm going to have any, so I wanted to find something comparable here.
Oh yeah, by the way, that's the amount of points for HALF of a sandwich! I always get the "You Pick Two" with a bowl of French Onion Soup (5 points) and half of a sandwich.
So, I decided to check out my next favorite sandwich: Tomato Mozzarella. How many points would you estimate for it?
Eight points.
Better, but still pretty high in the point range just for a lunch.
I decided to keep looking.
What's this? The Mediterranean Veggie sandwich with cilantro hummus and feta? That sounds like it could be tasty.
Oooh, and only 6 points (with only 300 calories and 7 grams of fat!)! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!!
Okay, so when it got to the choice of an apple, chips, or bread to go with my lunch, I caved and got the baguette. I LOVE Panera bread, and since I'd done my homework, I knew I could splurge 3 points on a crispy hunk of Frenchly-divine bread. It was delish!
So normally, my "healthy" lunch at Panera would cost me 28 points for a cup of soup, half of a Frontega Chicken sandwich, hunk of bread, and of course, a chocolate chip cookie.
Today's lunch from Panera was exactly half of that! 14 points baby, boo-yah!!
I was so proud of myself for making good choices at lunch today.
But again, this is not me making these choices. This must be some weird pod person from the planet Mars who has taken over my body.
And finally, tonight's dinner was tough.
Papa Murphy's pizza at my sister-in-law's house. Yummmmmmmmmy!
Normally, I don't eat pizza on a Friday before a Saturday morning weigh-in, but I wasn't the one buying tonight, so there you go. I can't believe I really did this, but I stopped at only 2 pieces! If you're a thin person and all you ever have is one or two pieces, then, well, I hate you. Sorry to be brutal, but I do. Everyone else who isn't like that can understand how INCREDIBLY hard it is to eat only a couple slices of pizza.
My saving grace was that I was sweaty and stinky from working out, and I had brought a change of clothes with me. I asked Jen if I could use her shower and I booked it in there after my 2 pieces were gone. I was still hungry for more when I went to take my shower, but by the time I got out, I was ok with having just 2 slices. I still had to stay far, far away from the leftovers, but I could control myself if I didn't wander into the kitchen.
I'm nervous about tomorrow's weigh in, but I really did my best this week. I tried hard. I exercised hard. (I earned 67 activity points from exercising so hard this week!) I made good choices.
Hopefully all these hard decisions will show up tomorrow on the scale.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Record Breaker
I have officially broken my record.
I have never, in all my years as a Weight Watchers member, stayed on program this faithfully, for this long. Never.
I've been on program now for 1 month exactly, with only a few hitches and glitches along the way. I'd say that I've been faithfully on program at least 95% of the time this month.
That's record breaking for me.
So I'm going to give myself a little pat on the back.
Well done, you! Well done!!
It's funny, when I share my accomplishments with my husband, he usually says, "Good job. Keep going." I don't know why but for some reason the "Keep going" part really irks me. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling pressured to perform well, or if I think he has a lack of faith in me...I dunno....I just know that my ire bristles every time he says it. I make him say something else now. Isn't that weird? Thank you for your congratulations, but you can just keep that to yourself. It doesn't sound very grateful, does it? I ask him to tell me to 'keep persevering' in Japanese (Gambatte!) and for some reason that doesn't bother me as much. How singularly odd I sometimes am.
So tonight I thought I would reflect on what is helping me to keep on track as well as I have been....
Food: I pretty much have the same plan for eating every day, or at least every week. Breakfasts have to be transportable and easily eaten while driving because that's when I always eat breakfast (except for Wednesdays when I get to leave a little later and I have some oatmeal instead of frozen english muffin sandwich). Lunch also has to be very quick, so I usually eat a frozen Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine along with a Just For One veggie (or 2), a Jello Pudding (yea for snack packs!!), and maybe a banana. Dinner is the only meal that isn't very well planned, and I usually suffer sometime during the week due to my poor planning skills. Aha! Another area to work on!!
Water: I'm not a big water drinker. I love, love, love, my Diet Pibb Zeros way too much. And my Sonic drinks (diet vanilla coke with easy ice, thank you very much, and no, I don't need any tots or mozzarella sticks with that, but thanks for asking cupcake). I usually drink at least 2 water bottles everyday though, and the Crystal Lite singles have SOOOOOOOO helped me to do that, because otherwise I would probably never drink water.
Gum: Yes, gum gets its own category because it has been a life saver several times over. It has really helped to have a piece when I get home and am making dinner, or right after the gym if I feel really hungry. Plus, it takes care of my dragon breath and leaves me tasting minty fresh.
Exercise: I've recently discovered the power of the I-Pod that helps to make the nasty gym demons go away, or at least fade into the background. TV shows. That's the power. I downloaded a series of shows that I like (okay I confess...I downloaded Heroes, I'm such a nerd, I totally admit it) and for 42 minutes and 17 seconds my attention is diverted to something other than the excrutiating annoyance of sweating on the elliptical. I have to watch myself though, because I get so into the episode that I sometimes laugh out loud. I've gotten a few looks.
Tracking: In one of my earlier posts I wrote about how hard this is for me. I don't know why it is, but I feel somewhat resentful for having to write down my food. But, I have found that tracking my points online has really helped. Weight Watchers has a great resource called e-tools, and I can use it to track my food points and my accumulated activity points from exercise. It's pretty nifty.
Inspiration: You! I can't help it, I'm addicted to your uplifting comments both here on my blog and on Facebook. Whenever I write, I can't help thinking about what someone will say. I look forward to your encouragement so much. It's really helped to keep me motivated and inspired. So keep those comments coming, because I need all the motivation that I can get!!
I have never, in all my years as a Weight Watchers member, stayed on program this faithfully, for this long. Never.
I've been on program now for 1 month exactly, with only a few hitches and glitches along the way. I'd say that I've been faithfully on program at least 95% of the time this month.
That's record breaking for me.
So I'm going to give myself a little pat on the back.
Well done, you! Well done!!
It's funny, when I share my accomplishments with my husband, he usually says, "Good job. Keep going." I don't know why but for some reason the "Keep going" part really irks me. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling pressured to perform well, or if I think he has a lack of faith in me...I dunno....I just know that my ire bristles every time he says it. I make him say something else now. Isn't that weird? Thank you for your congratulations, but you can just keep that to yourself. It doesn't sound very grateful, does it? I ask him to tell me to 'keep persevering' in Japanese (Gambatte!) and for some reason that doesn't bother me as much. How singularly odd I sometimes am.
So tonight I thought I would reflect on what is helping me to keep on track as well as I have been....
Food: I pretty much have the same plan for eating every day, or at least every week. Breakfasts have to be transportable and easily eaten while driving because that's when I always eat breakfast (except for Wednesdays when I get to leave a little later and I have some oatmeal instead of frozen english muffin sandwich). Lunch also has to be very quick, so I usually eat a frozen Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine along with a Just For One veggie (or 2), a Jello Pudding (yea for snack packs!!), and maybe a banana. Dinner is the only meal that isn't very well planned, and I usually suffer sometime during the week due to my poor planning skills. Aha! Another area to work on!!
Water: I'm not a big water drinker. I love, love, love, my Diet Pibb Zeros way too much. And my Sonic drinks (diet vanilla coke with easy ice, thank you very much, and no, I don't need any tots or mozzarella sticks with that, but thanks for asking cupcake). I usually drink at least 2 water bottles everyday though, and the Crystal Lite singles have SOOOOOOOO helped me to do that, because otherwise I would probably never drink water.
Gum: Yes, gum gets its own category because it has been a life saver several times over. It has really helped to have a piece when I get home and am making dinner, or right after the gym if I feel really hungry. Plus, it takes care of my dragon breath and leaves me tasting minty fresh.
Exercise: I've recently discovered the power of the I-Pod that helps to make the nasty gym demons go away, or at least fade into the background. TV shows. That's the power. I downloaded a series of shows that I like (okay I confess...I downloaded Heroes, I'm such a nerd, I totally admit it) and for 42 minutes and 17 seconds my attention is diverted to something other than the excrutiating annoyance of sweating on the elliptical. I have to watch myself though, because I get so into the episode that I sometimes laugh out loud. I've gotten a few looks.
Tracking: In one of my earlier posts I wrote about how hard this is for me. I don't know why it is, but I feel somewhat resentful for having to write down my food. But, I have found that tracking my points online has really helped. Weight Watchers has a great resource called e-tools, and I can use it to track my food points and my accumulated activity points from exercise. It's pretty nifty.
Inspiration: You! I can't help it, I'm addicted to your uplifting comments both here on my blog and on Facebook. Whenever I write, I can't help thinking about what someone will say. I look forward to your encouragement so much. It's really helped to keep me motivated and inspired. So keep those comments coming, because I need all the motivation that I can get!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I'm melting! I'm melting!!
At least I have the feeling that I am. Melting away, that is.
In case you haven't noticed this yet: I HATE EXERCISE!
But, I think it's finally doing something for me besides cause me a daily hour of pain, annoyance and great buckets of sweatyness.
I think it may finally be helping me to actually melt away.
So, every morning after the daily naked weigh-in ritual (you know you do it, too!) comes the daily check-out-my-naked-bod-in-the-bathroom-mirror ritual. My morning is completely timed so that I can shed my pajamas on the way out of the bedroom, toss the didies in the hamper on the way to the kitchen, walk through the dark living room (I never can remember if I left the blinds up on the windows, so better safe than embarrassed), and strategically turn on a handful of lights when I get to the kitchen where our scale is stationed.
I don't trust my scale though. I usually weight a minimum of 3 times, and average out my weight. I tried holding my breath to see if that will make a difference. I try blowing out all my breath, as if that will change things. Hands in front. Holding up belly. Hands in back. Supporting my butt. It all comes out pretty much the same, but for some reason I seem to think that if I breathe out all my air, stand with my back straight and tall, put my hands in front of me and squished against my belly roll, that will somehow make a difference. It doesn't.
After I scamper back to to the bedroom, somewhat chilly at this time, I have to stop in front of the mirror for a quick once-over of my naked body. Is my tummy any smaller? Is that back roll diminished somewhat? Are my thighs EVER not going to constantly stuck together?
It's hard to see changes happening. They're slow and tedious, and everytime I think I do see a change I have to stare at it for several minutes before I decide if my body is really changing or if I'm just fooling myself.
Right now there are a couple of body parts that seem to be melting away a little faster than others:
Butt shelf.
Shoulder pads.
And boobs.
If you've never been seriously overweight, you may not be aware of what a butt shelf is. You've seen it though. Think of the booty of a very large girl. Notice that her ass just doesn't seem to stop. There are some women who's butt shelves are so pronounced I swear I could set down a tray on top and it wouldn't fall off. That's a butt shelf. My butt shelf makes me look like I have no lower back. Just my regular back, and then all butt. Thankfully, it seems to be getting a little less conspicuous. I think.
Then, there's the shoulder pads. I never actually had to use shoulder pads in my clothes when they were popular back in the early 90's because I am built like a linebacker. A chubby linebacker. But, the pads seem to be receding somewhat, and (DRUMROLL, PLEASE) I can even see my collar bones (on occasion)! All fat girls look forward to the day when they see collar bones. It's what all the skinny girls are wearing these days.
And last but not least, there is a definite decrease in boobage. *Sigh* Unlike most heavyset girls, I do not carry much of my weight in my chest. I am an anomaly to Lane Bryant catalog I'm sure, because I'm probably one of very few girls to buy a 42" bra with only a B-cup. I'm a freak. A boob freak. I'm going to be even freakier if I have to get an A cup. Hopefully it won't go that far. I've heard of these chest exercises...."I must! I must! I must increase my bust!!"....I remember sitting on my bed in 7th grade doing those, trying to get the ladies to grow. Ahhh....memories!
Maybe it's all in my head, but I think I may be shrinking. I hope I am.
I feel like a snake, slowly shedding its skin...its fat, chunkified skin.
Hello, skinny snake!
In case you haven't noticed this yet: I HATE EXERCISE!
But, I think it's finally doing something for me besides cause me a daily hour of pain, annoyance and great buckets of sweatyness.
I think it may finally be helping me to actually melt away.
So, every morning after the daily naked weigh-in ritual (you know you do it, too!) comes the daily check-out-my-naked-bod-in-the-bathroom-mirror ritual. My morning is completely timed so that I can shed my pajamas on the way out of the bedroom, toss the didies in the hamper on the way to the kitchen, walk through the dark living room (I never can remember if I left the blinds up on the windows, so better safe than embarrassed), and strategically turn on a handful of lights when I get to the kitchen where our scale is stationed.
I don't trust my scale though. I usually weight a minimum of 3 times, and average out my weight. I tried holding my breath to see if that will make a difference. I try blowing out all my breath, as if that will change things. Hands in front. Holding up belly. Hands in back. Supporting my butt. It all comes out pretty much the same, but for some reason I seem to think that if I breathe out all my air, stand with my back straight and tall, put my hands in front of me and squished against my belly roll, that will somehow make a difference. It doesn't.
After I scamper back to to the bedroom, somewhat chilly at this time, I have to stop in front of the mirror for a quick once-over of my naked body. Is my tummy any smaller? Is that back roll diminished somewhat? Are my thighs EVER not going to constantly stuck together?
It's hard to see changes happening. They're slow and tedious, and everytime I think I do see a change I have to stare at it for several minutes before I decide if my body is really changing or if I'm just fooling myself.
Right now there are a couple of body parts that seem to be melting away a little faster than others:
Butt shelf.
Shoulder pads.
And boobs.
If you've never been seriously overweight, you may not be aware of what a butt shelf is. You've seen it though. Think of the booty of a very large girl. Notice that her ass just doesn't seem to stop. There are some women who's butt shelves are so pronounced I swear I could set down a tray on top and it wouldn't fall off. That's a butt shelf. My butt shelf makes me look like I have no lower back. Just my regular back, and then all butt. Thankfully, it seems to be getting a little less conspicuous. I think.
Then, there's the shoulder pads. I never actually had to use shoulder pads in my clothes when they were popular back in the early 90's because I am built like a linebacker. A chubby linebacker. But, the pads seem to be receding somewhat, and (DRUMROLL, PLEASE) I can even see my collar bones (on occasion)! All fat girls look forward to the day when they see collar bones. It's what all the skinny girls are wearing these days.
And last but not least, there is a definite decrease in boobage. *Sigh* Unlike most heavyset girls, I do not carry much of my weight in my chest. I am an anomaly to Lane Bryant catalog I'm sure, because I'm probably one of very few girls to buy a 42" bra with only a B-cup. I'm a freak. A boob freak. I'm going to be even freakier if I have to get an A cup. Hopefully it won't go that far. I've heard of these chest exercises...."I must! I must! I must increase my bust!!"....I remember sitting on my bed in 7th grade doing those, trying to get the ladies to grow. Ahhh....memories!
Maybe it's all in my head, but I think I may be shrinking. I hope I am.
I feel like a snake, slowly shedding its skin...its fat, chunkified skin.
Hello, skinny snake!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Gimme Some Sugah', Baby!!
So, I think I had a mini epiphany this past weekend.
I'm going to call it a "miphany" for short. Or perhaps an "eipipini." I'm not clear yet on what little name I want to give this mini epiphany, so I'll just tell you about it.
I was at my sister-in-law's house on Saturday night and had just had a couple slices of Minsky's seafood pizza....mmmmm........pizzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaa.........*drool*
Sorry, I'm back. I got a little...distracted.
Anyway, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for only having 2 slices of pizza and stopping though I kinda wanted to eat the last slice of pizza and save it from congealing on the counter, but I didn't. I showed some self-control, finally.
That's when I noticed I had been ambushed and was surrounded in a hostile territory.
Now, usually my sister-in-law's kitchen is considered friendly territory. After all, it is usually the setting for some really great meals. But this night I was deep in enemy territory. I had been surrounded on all sides by sugar-laden sweets of all kinds: cookies, M&M's and cupcakes.
Now, granted, the cupcakes were off limits because they were for church the next day. Holy cupcakes, Batman! Though, if I'd begged I could have probably gotten my sister-in-law to let me snag one. She's a softy at heart, and I can look pretty pathetic when I want to.
I made a confession to Jen, my sister-in-law, that I don't think I have ever articulated before: I have an addiction to sugar.
Now, don't get the idea that I get the shakes and wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night only to get caught red-handed with a tablespoon and a bag of C&H with a fine film of sugar crystals encrusting my mouth. It's not quite like that.
My addiction is a little more selective. I realized that anything baked and/or containing chocolatey goodness sets my internal addiction alarms blaring.
Here's how I know that I'm addicted:
I was talking to Jen, having a good conversation with her, and I couldn't for the life of me, tell you at that moment what we were talking about because I was so focused on a box of chocolate chip cookies that I had no room in my attention span for anything else. I was acting like a meth junkie jumping for my next fix! I finally had to take a dish towel and physically cover up the box of cookies because I couldn't think about anything else. That's when the M&M's started calling out to me with their candy-coated siren song.
All I could think about was the candy, the cookies, and the cupcakes that Jen was baking. My hands were literally shaking.
It was weird.
It was unsettling.
It was an indication that I have a problem with certain types of food.
When I'm around baked goods or chocolate all I can think about is eating them. And if I'm trying to watch what I eat, I start justifying to myself how I should eat them just to get them out of the house. I say things to myself like, "If I eat this entire 5 lb. bag of peanut M&M's tonight, then it won't be there to tempt me tomorrow when I go back on Weight Watchers." That's fat girl logic right there.
And if someone else has something baked or chocolatey, and they don't eat it right away, it drives me crazy. I can't stand it when there's a cookie on someone's plate and they haven't eaten it. I keep thinking, "Are they going to eat that? Why aren't they eating that? Don't they want the cookie? Why would anyone take a cookie they don't want? What kind of crazy person wouldn't want to eat a cookie? That looks like the tastiest cookie I've ever seen. I wonder if they'll notice if I eat their cookie. Maybe I can cause a distraction and swipe the cookie while they're not looking. Are they EVER going to eat that &*#$!ing cookie?!"
Seriously, these are the types of thoughts that go through my head. It's a wonder that people actually think I'm paying any attention to them when I have this all-consuming internal dialogue going on. I just smile and nod a lot. It seems to be working.
So now I'm left with the question, What do I do about this?
It's not like I can avoid these things forever. For goodness sake, that stupid bag of M&M's has been in my sister-in-law's kitchen for weeks now, so I guess I can't count on her to down the thing and end my misery. I quite literally have to walk out of the kitchen when I get to the point that I know that I can't take any more temptation. And at my house, I don't have the temptation around in the first place. Just a few weeks ago I scoured the house for anything chocolate and walked awaysorely disappointed gratefully empty-handed. I know there's nothing here.
But, what about when I go out into the 'real world' and have to face baked items and all things cocoa and delicious? What do I do then? Oh, thank you for inviting me to your lovely home! Oh, you baked...just for me? Well, I guess I'd better be going. That's not going to help me win friends and influence people.
I don't know what to do about this. I really feel like this is an addiction for me, and there's not a lot of support out there for baked items addicts. There isn't a patch. I don't think there is really a chocoholics support group. There aren't any pills to get rid of the cravings. Uggh, am I strong enough to face a donut and win?
I'm getting a little shaky just writing about this. My knees nearly buckled this morning as I passed by a Krispy Kreme case at Quik Trip. This fight is getting hard.
I know if I give in that eating one will be too many, and a thousand will never be enough.
Better to just not start.
Stay away.
Hide.
So, if I come over anytime soon. Please lock up your cakes, muffins, cookies, cupcakes, donuts, baklava, M&M's and any other drug-of-choice-related paraphernalia. I just don't think I can handle it right now.
I've got the munchies.
I'm going to call it a "miphany" for short. Or perhaps an "eipipini." I'm not clear yet on what little name I want to give this mini epiphany, so I'll just tell you about it.
I was at my sister-in-law's house on Saturday night and had just had a couple slices of Minsky's seafood pizza....mmmmm........pizzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaa.........*drool*
Sorry, I'm back. I got a little...distracted.
Anyway, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for only having 2 slices of pizza and stopping though I kinda wanted to eat the last slice of pizza and save it from congealing on the counter, but I didn't. I showed some self-control, finally.
That's when I noticed I had been ambushed and was surrounded in a hostile territory.
Now, usually my sister-in-law's kitchen is considered friendly territory. After all, it is usually the setting for some really great meals. But this night I was deep in enemy territory. I had been surrounded on all sides by sugar-laden sweets of all kinds: cookies, M&M's and cupcakes.
Now, granted, the cupcakes were off limits because they were for church the next day. Holy cupcakes, Batman! Though, if I'd begged I could have probably gotten my sister-in-law to let me snag one. She's a softy at heart, and I can look pretty pathetic when I want to.
I made a confession to Jen, my sister-in-law, that I don't think I have ever articulated before: I have an addiction to sugar.
Now, don't get the idea that I get the shakes and wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night only to get caught red-handed with a tablespoon and a bag of C&H with a fine film of sugar crystals encrusting my mouth. It's not quite like that.
My addiction is a little more selective. I realized that anything baked and/or containing chocolatey goodness sets my internal addiction alarms blaring.
Here's how I know that I'm addicted:
I was talking to Jen, having a good conversation with her, and I couldn't for the life of me, tell you at that moment what we were talking about because I was so focused on a box of chocolate chip cookies that I had no room in my attention span for anything else. I was acting like a meth junkie jumping for my next fix! I finally had to take a dish towel and physically cover up the box of cookies because I couldn't think about anything else. That's when the M&M's started calling out to me with their candy-coated siren song.
All I could think about was the candy, the cookies, and the cupcakes that Jen was baking. My hands were literally shaking.
It was weird.
It was unsettling.
It was an indication that I have a problem with certain types of food.
When I'm around baked goods or chocolate all I can think about is eating them. And if I'm trying to watch what I eat, I start justifying to myself how I should eat them just to get them out of the house. I say things to myself like, "If I eat this entire 5 lb. bag of peanut M&M's tonight, then it won't be there to tempt me tomorrow when I go back on Weight Watchers." That's fat girl logic right there.
And if someone else has something baked or chocolatey, and they don't eat it right away, it drives me crazy. I can't stand it when there's a cookie on someone's plate and they haven't eaten it. I keep thinking, "Are they going to eat that? Why aren't they eating that? Don't they want the cookie? Why would anyone take a cookie they don't want? What kind of crazy person wouldn't want to eat a cookie? That looks like the tastiest cookie I've ever seen. I wonder if they'll notice if I eat their cookie. Maybe I can cause a distraction and swipe the cookie while they're not looking. Are they EVER going to eat that &*#$!ing cookie?!"
Seriously, these are the types of thoughts that go through my head. It's a wonder that people actually think I'm paying any attention to them when I have this all-consuming internal dialogue going on. I just smile and nod a lot. It seems to be working.
So now I'm left with the question, What do I do about this?
It's not like I can avoid these things forever. For goodness sake, that stupid bag of M&M's has been in my sister-in-law's kitchen for weeks now, so I guess I can't count on her to down the thing and end my misery. I quite literally have to walk out of the kitchen when I get to the point that I know that I can't take any more temptation. And at my house, I don't have the temptation around in the first place. Just a few weeks ago I scoured the house for anything chocolate and walked away
But, what about when I go out into the 'real world' and have to face baked items and all things cocoa and delicious? What do I do then? Oh, thank you for inviting me to your lovely home! Oh, you baked...just for me? Well, I guess I'd better be going. That's not going to help me win friends and influence people.
I don't know what to do about this. I really feel like this is an addiction for me, and there's not a lot of support out there for baked items addicts. There isn't a patch. I don't think there is really a chocoholics support group. There aren't any pills to get rid of the cravings. Uggh, am I strong enough to face a donut and win?
I'm getting a little shaky just writing about this. My knees nearly buckled this morning as I passed by a Krispy Kreme case at Quik Trip. This fight is getting hard.
I know if I give in that eating one will be too many, and a thousand will never be enough.
Better to just not start.
Stay away.
Hide.
So, if I come over anytime soon. Please lock up your cakes, muffins, cookies, cupcakes, donuts, baklava, M&M's and any other drug-of-choice-related paraphernalia. I just don't think I can handle it right now.
I've got the munchies.
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