Times, They Are a-Changin'!!

I imagine that there are few people who are as technology-rich, and yet media-poor as I am.  I have lots of fun, technologically amazing toys at my disposal here at home, and even at work...and yet, I remain in a media black hole.

I don't watch TV.
It's true.  I don't
Hey, don't laugh.
Or gasp in horror and disbelief.
Not everyone needs TV, you know.

And it's not like I don't watch anything at all.  About two or three times a month I get to watch a DVD or go out to a movie.  And it's not like I'm ANTI-TV and PRO-book...although I do spend a lot of time reading.  It's just that I'm too cheap to pay for cable, and for 6 years we had really crappy reception and didn't really get anything except public television, and even that was sporadic the last 3 years.  So, we just got used to no TV in our house.

Sometimes no TV is a really good thing.  I don't have to sit through commercials.  Or be inundated with visions of extra-large helpings of unhealthy foods.  But, I also don't get the news.  Or even more important, previews for rock-awesome movies that are coming out.  (Hee-hee, Green Lantern you so amuse me!)  I usually listen to news radio while in the car to get my news, but it's Christmastime, y'all, and I've had my dial permanently set on the local 24-hour-a-day Christmas marathon since Nov. 1st.  I know, it's a sickness.

And though I don't usually mind not knowing what's going on...(hey, keep that snarky comment to yourself!  I can hear you thinking!)...I just recently found out about something in the past few weeks that completely shocked me.

Uh oh, I've built it up now.
I've given it this big ol' build-up, and now I've got performance anxiety...(oooh, wait, does that refer to what I think it refers to?).
I'm afraid I've put this news on a pedestal and once you find out what it is, you're not really going to care.
It may be a great big deal to me, and not mean squat to you.
And if it does, well...
it's my blog, so deal with it.


:O)

So, here's the big news....
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!

Weight Watchers has a new program!
Ta da!!!!

Are those crickets chirping?


Come on, people, this is big!!
Weight Watchers has being doing the same ol' Points for over a decade!
And yeah, it's worked, but now they're re-vamping it, and I've heard some rumors about some things that I'm really excited about.

If you are a fellow Weight Watcher-er, then you probably already heard that this change is coming along.  The big reveal starts tomorrow, and since I have access to the WW site as an online member, I should be able to find the skinny on what's going on tomorrow instead of waiting for my weekly meeting on Saturday.

I know some fellow Weight Watcher-ers are feeling a little bit of trepidation about the changes, but I say BRING IT ON!  A fresh start is just what I need to get my butt in gear.

So, I'm lurking, lurking, lurking, on the internet now, trying to find out clues to the new plan.  I was hoping that the WW website would be updated on New York time, so I could check it out before I went to bed, and last time I checked, the site was down and under construction.  Hopefully the changes will be posted quickly.

Oooh, I'm giddy.

Back to Basics : BRIBERY 101

I've been having a hard time tracking my food for awhile now.
Say....the past 3 years of Weight Watchers.
And so I'm going back to what I know works for me...bribery.
Yes friends, it's true, I can be bribed.  And how!!

I've told myself that if I can track my points honestly until Thanksgiving, then on Black Friday I will treat myself to something fun that I want.  So far, it's working marvelously.  I've been tracking like a fiend.  I may not necessarily be staying within my points, but that wasn't one of the stipulations.  I only have to track, and be honest, that's it.  But I'm finding that tracking my points is leading me to eating within my points range.  Nobody likes to have a negative balance.

I've gone through half of my weekly points so far, but I have some activity points racked up as well, and I'm really hoping that this week I'll see a loss, even with Thanksgiving.

I don't know why putting things down on paper is so hard for me to do.
It's hard with points and food, but it's also hard with money.
I'll be honest, I'm not the best at budgeting and keeping track of our finances.
I let Koichi be in charge of that, but recently we decided to put Lily in preschool and that's an extra $300 a month.  We weren't sure that we'd be able to afford that, but after crunching the numbers we realized that we *SHOULD* be able to afford that.  However, our money is disappearing somewhere...mostly to places like Sonic, McDonalds, and in Koichi's case, to George Lucas because of his Star Wars addiction.

So, I bought Quicken, a money management software, downloaded it, set up all our checking/saving/credit accounts, and had a great big wake up call about where all our money is going.  Let's just say that Mr. Lucas is probably putting his grandkids through college thanks to us.  Somebody in this house is about to get his credit card snipped if we don't get things set straight.

Even though it was a big ol' slap in the face to see how much money has been wasted, it's a great wake up call to our potential savings if we get our act together.

Similarly, when I track my food, and am eating mindfully instead of mindlessly, I can really stretch those points, stay full, and still lose weight.  It's all about being deliberate, thoughtful and mindful.

Thank you bribery, for teaching me a valuable lesson.

Watch for Falling Rocks!

Okay...so I am having a complete and utter cave-in at the moment.
I've been pretty good all week.
Even though it's been hard.
And tiring.
And I've been dealt a week with constant, daily headaches and backaches.
And yet, I persevered.

Until tonight.
I'm making a bad choice.
But at least I'm owning it.

I just ordered pizza.
Of the meat-loving persuasion.
And I'm going to eat it.
With a breadstick.
Or two.
And drown my sorrows in marinara sauce.
And I'm going to be okay with it.
Because I'm feeling pretty down right now, and I want some comfort food.
So, damn it, I'm gonna have it.

I used to think I was depressed, when I was growing up.
I'd have these awful mood swings, and such severe depression where I sometimes thought life was just too hard to bother with struggling through.
I realize now,
that all those strong, overwhelming feelings and emotions --
the utter waterfall of despair, anger, feelings of worthlessness, pain, and even desire,
are none other than the awful byproduct of
PMS.

I don't know if other women go through this.
I can't imagine that I'm feeling this alone.
I mean, that's why men fear those three little letters more than any others, right?
Because women get so crazy.
So, I can't be all alone.
Surely other people out there lose their ability to control their emotions for two weeks out of every month, and ride the roller coaster of feeling absolutely elated one moment, and in total and absolute despair the next.

Hmmm...if it's not PMS, then I'm probably bipolar...and they have medication for that.  So that wouldn't be all that bad.
Maybe.

But they don't put anti-emotion medication in Pamprin, unfortunately.
So while I suffer through this,
at least I'm going to have a slice of cheesy goodness in my hand.

Shifting from Second to Third

I'm at a crossroad.  I'm not seeing the results I want to see at this point.
It could be that I'm doing everything half-assed.
I do realize that's likely the problem.
I track my eating half-assed.
I exercise half-assed.
I make half-assed choices.

Okay...now I'm having a very strange visual of what it would actually look like to indeed have half of an ass.  Not a pretty picture.  What a strange little euphemism we English-speakers have for ourselves.  I wonder where it came from.  But, I digress.

I've been stuck here in second gear, and I'm trying to talk myself into really revving things up and getting serious with myself and my weight loss and move it into third gear.  Unfortunately, I've never really driven a manual transmission car before, and I blame the grinding of my gears on that fact alone.  Okaaaaaay....I guess that doesn't really make any sense.  But it sounded good in my head.

Alright, so here's the bad...
I gained 4# during my 2 week hiatus from Weight Watchers, while I was traveling to Colorado Springs.  I came back last Saturday, knowing that I'd have a gain, but I didn't think it would be THAT bad.  It was THAT bad though, my friends.

But, here's the good...
I think the gain helped shock me into some action.  Right after WW's I was planning on going home because my daughter had her first dance class that morning.  (And it was SO CUTE to see a bunch of 3-year olds prancing around in leotards.  You couldn't help but smile like a big geek the whole time.)  I had enough time after WW to exercise, but not enough time to shower off the sweaty, exercise goo before her class.

A great excuse to not even bother exercising, right?!
Well...I got over myself.  Slowly.  And decided to go for a walk instead of hitting the elliptical at the gym.  I went to one of my favorite walking parks, in 31 degree weather, and walked 2 miles.  Briskly.  It was only 31 degrees, after all.

So, that was a plus.
Yea me!

I just wish all these little, good things that I did for myself added up to more.
Like right now I have a half-empty bottle of water next to me.  That's progress!  I haven't drunk water in months, friends.  Cans of Pibb Zero have been my constant companion, and though I still do drink more diet soda than should be physically possible, I'm trying (slowly) to increase my water consumption, and (hopefully!) decrease the amount of pop ("soda" for you weirdoes) I ingest in a day.

So, I have to get myself motivated enough to make these little changes into bigger changes.
I do have the motivation of wanting to have another child, now that Lily has calmed down considerably.  For three years, she was the best form of birth control I could have possibly asked for.  But, she's better now.  And I keep thinking that if God is good, then there is no way He could do that to me twice.

So, there's the baby aspect to help with motivation.  And if Koichi ever gets a daytime job, then I want my body ready for some baby-making.  [Dear God, Five years of working nights is killing me.  Please give my husband a daytime job.  I would like to see him for more than 4 hours per week.  Amen.]

And, in addition, we have a trip coming up this summer.
It was going to be a trip to Hawaii....but we decided to cancel the trip to Hawaii because of costs.
And we're just going to spend three weeks or so in Japan instead.
Oh, boo-hoo, right?  Yeah, I'm not too upset about that, either.
It would have been nice to experience Hawaii for the first time, but this way we'll be able to spend more time with Koichi's family, and I think it will be less stressful overall.

So, I would love, love, LOVE to be at or really near my goal weight by next summer.
But to do that, I have to get my tuckus in gear.  Like, really, really, in gear.  No more sliding into second.

Here's to really, really getting with the program...
and tracking my eating,
exercising daily (I really can do it, even if I don't want to!)
eating within my points,
and drinking more water.

I know what I need to do to make it.
I have the keys to success in my hand.
Now, I just have to get my motor revving, and shift it into a higher gear.

Psych!

I'm trying to get myself psyched up.
I'm giving myself pep talks.
You can do it!
Don't worry about it!
You'll do just fine!
No one's going to notice your ineptitude.


Yeah, those are the words floating around in my head tonight.
I have two major worries bothering me that are keeping me up at 12:40 in the morning - and thus provide fodder for another blog post.  Lucky you.

They are both fears that I'm going to have to face in the next few days.

I'm worried.
I'm apprehensive.
I'm a little moist with perspiration.  (Is that a great visual, or what?)

So here's the what, friends.
Tomorrow morning...make that later on this morning...Koichi, Lily, my parents (God bless 'em) and I are heading out to Colorado Springs for my friend's funeral.  I'm very sad about that, and I know it's going to be a heartbreaking time, but on top of that, I have 2 things that I keep thinking about.

One, the most fitting for a weight-loss blog, is the eating out thing.
Eating at restaurants for every meal requires a measure of discipline and willpower.
And I have neither!!

So that makes me a little worried.

Every time I eat out, it's like I think it's some sort of special occasion, as if I've never had chicken fried steak or covered and smothered mashed potatoes before.  Like I don't get those every time I go to some "Homestyle Restaurant" which is really just code for "over half of our menu is artery-clogging-deep-fat-fried-in-lard-and-served-with-a-side-of-something-batter-dipped-in-sugar-and-also-deep-fat-fried-in-lard-and-smothered-in-two-quarts-of-gravy."

Let's just say that I have a hard time going to a restaurant and being satisfied with a salad (unless it's in a lard-dipped-and-fried tortilla shell of course).

*sigh*

Ok, time to psych myself up...
You can do it!
You CAN make healthy choices even when surrounded by golden-fried deliciousness evil, yucky temptation.
This is NOT a food celebration, it's JUST a meal replacement.
Don't give up what you want long term, for what tastes good short term.


Okay, I think I've fooled convinced myself somewhat.

Let's move onto worry number dos.

This one is less about food, and more about my ineptitude as a human being.
*double sigh*

So here's the deal....I may seem somewhat verbose when it comes to the written word, but that's just because you're easily fooled I have time to think about what I'm writing.

The truth is, in real time, face-to-face, I am not so loquacious.  Nor do I have a handy little dictionary in my hand to tell me what that means when I'm having a real, live conversation.  (It means "talkative" in case you were not an English-major nerd like myself.)

I'm a little afraid of people.
No, wait, that's not quite accurate.
I'm not so much afraid of people as I'm afraid of
*GASP!*
small talk!!!


I'm just not any good at it.
In fact, I'm really, really horrible at keeping a conversation going.
I can give you a 97% guarantee that if you and I have had a real, live conversation in the past, that I have thought to myself at one time or another, "Dear Lord, what do I say next?!" and have had some very real anxiety about trying to think of questions or quippy remarks that will help move the conversation along.

Granted, some people are harder to talk to than others...
Some friends I have are very good at keeping the conversation flowing whether I say anything or not.  My continual eye contact, head nodding, and "mm hmmm" is enough encouragement.

Other people and situations are not quite so easy.
Especially if they're members of the opposite sex.

I nearly dread the moment that cute tech guy comes waltzing in my classroom to do something, because I get all tongue tied.  Why??  Because...
A) He's a guy - and that alone makes me all twitterpated.
B) He's got the job I want to have someday in the future - so I'm constantly walking that line between casual, friendly banter and pump him for as much information as I can possibly get out of him without being offensive, and
C) He's kinda cute.  (Now don't give me that look.  You know what I'm talking about.  That "oh my gosh she's married and talking about another guy being cute -- doesn't she know that's practically adultery -- I never, ever found another human being to be remotely attractive after I got married" holier-than-thou look that you're giving me right now.  Mmm hmmm, that's the look I'm talking about.  Cause you may be in denial, but I know that my hormones didn't disintegrate when I got married and put on my wedding ring, and if they did, well, I lost my wedding ring awhile ago, so I'm powerless to stop it anyway.  So back your judgey little self off, sucka'.  Hey, I feel a little better now.)


Oh, and smart people make me nervous too!
Even one of my best friends makes me nervous to talk to.  No, not that one...the other one.  No, the other, other one.
I'm smart, but I'm not 147 IQ, playing chess blindfolded, know how to conjugate verb tenses in Russian/Latin/Romanian/and Peruvian kind of smart.
In fact, I'll freely admit that I've always been the dumbest of the smart kids.
I just barely kept my standing in upper-academic classes, and I am fully aware of the limitations of my mental acuity.

So, all of that beating around the bush to say that I'm a little nervous about having to make small talk with friends and acquaintances that I haven't seen for the past three and a half years over the next few days.

But as long as there are no cute guys (yeah, yeah, other than my husband *eye roll*) or frighteningly-smart people around, I should be okay.

Perspective

I've been battling with a demon for awhile now that I haven't been able to share with more than a couple of really close friends.

I'm going to give you the really short version:
My faith in God has been faltering.
For some time now.
Several months.
It's not been fun.

I'm trying to ride it out.  I know everyone has doubts now and then.
I've doubted before, and have bounced back, so I'm sure I will eventually.
Until then, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo.

Part of what caused this doubt is this weird...thing....I'm not sure what to call it.
I'm not sure if it's a condition,
or a personality trait that I've developed,
a blessing,
or a curse.

I used to call it a "gift of tears."
But it doesn't feel much like a gift.
It feels pretty awful actually.

Here's what it is....
It started when I was a junior in college.  I can remember the exact moment because it was such a profound experience.  Prior to this point, I would have considered myself empathetic to other's painful situations, but beyond that, I wasn't really affected by other people's pain.

One night that all changed.
I was watching TV by myself in the house I was renting.  My 3 roommates were gone for the evening.  The show I was watching was 20/20 or Dateline or something like that.  It was about girls in Africa being sold into slavery, and how the slave trade is still quite alive and well in Africa.

About halfway through the program I was so overcome with sadness and pain for these girls that I started weeping uncontrollably.  I couldn't stand, or walk, or do anything but lay on the floor convulsing in spasms of deep pain, the likes I'd never felt before.

You may not know me all that well, so you'll just have to take it from me that this was not typical behavior from me.

Since that night, I find myself often overwhelmed by the sadness of other people's pain.  People I don't know, have never met, will never meet, who are going through extraordinary pain, I find myself weeping uncontrollably for them.  I've gotten stomach cramps, coughing fits, vomiting, nausea, and have had to pull off the road several times because of this...gift?  Curse?  I don't know.

I guess it's a matter of perspective.

The thing is, it's become hard to believe in a good and loving God with all of this pain in the world.  I don't blame God for people hurting other people.  People can be idiots.  Some people are truly evil.  But, people are responsible, in the end, for their own choices.  I don't blame God for the choices of people.

It's hard not to blame God though, for the pain that is caused that no one had a choice in.
The pain of parents who long to communicate with their autistic children...
The pain of people left without homes, food, loved ones because of natural disaster...
The pain of children left without a parent because of disease.

Tonight I found out that one of my very good friends in Colorado Springs passed away last night.
She was the same age as my husband,
had two beautiful children,
and was my good friend who taught me a lot about being a teacher, a wife, a mother, and a kind-hearted woman.

I can't help but think about her son and daughter who will grow up without her, and how unfair that is.  How do you not be mad at God when something like this happens?  How do you keep believing that if He is really there, that He is truly good?

But the alternative would really suck.
If there is no God, or if there is God and He doesn't care....then there's no hope.
It would all be meaningless
and empty.

So, I'm trying really hard to just hold on to the minuscule grain of hope I have right now -
trying to remind myself that my perspective is skewed by my very human point of view -
remember that it's like I'm looking at the back side of a tapestry where all the threads are poking out and ugly and nothing really seems to make sense, but when it's turned over and looked at properly, it's beautiful and ordered and meant to be that way.

Oh please, God, let there be meaning in even this.

Extreme Abs!

For the past 2 weeks I've been doing this highly intensive exercise regimen.
I've been very disciplined.

In fact, I've been working out, doing these very vigorous exercises every 30 seconds or so for every moment that I've been awake.

I know, impressive, isn't it?

And, in return, I'm receiving the benefit of extremely chiseled abs.
I've got a 6-pack of yumminess on my belly (nestled safely under 3 inches of marshmallowy fat, mind you) that I will hopefully be able to see someday.

But although I've become accustomed to this workout,
used to doing it throughout the day,
grateful for the sculpted muscles it is no doubt producing...


I just want it to stop!!!


Because for the past 2 weeks I've been coughing my head off.
And I'm so frickin' tired of it!

I know you've been here, too.
That point at where you're so sick of being sick.
I know you feel my pain.
And since you're so empathetic, such a kind, caring individual, and since you care so deeply about me,
would you please write my sub plans so I can take sick day tomorrow?

Oh, the bane of every teachers' existence - sub plans.
How we detest them!!

Here's why...
Occasionally, I'll be blessed with an awesome sub, who not only does a fabulous job of taking care of my class for that day, but probably is a much better teacher than I am and should probably take over my job permanently.

But most likely, the sub I'll get either
A)Doesn't bother to read my 10 page sub plans thoroughly,
B)Doesn't feel like doing the activity I've left that follows the district curriculum and state standards, and instead chooses to do his/her own thing, or
C)Just hates kids - or at least seems to - and I get to come back to a list of students who caused problems that includes 22 out of my 23 kiddos.

Okaaaayyy.....maybe it's not always quite that bad.  I may be exaggerating.
A little.

The thing is, even though you might get a great sub, chances are you'll get one who needs a LOT of guidance and that leads to a minimum of 10 pages of hand holding sub plans.  PLUS, I'll still wake up early, drive 30 minutes to work, set everything out for the sub, and probably still be there getting things ready before school when they show up all of 5 minutes before school starts.

*sigh*

I apologize to any of you who might do subbing.  If you're friends of mine, you're probably the exception to the rule.  Would you like to come teach my class tomorrow?

Am I a Bad Person?

Okay, I have to make a confession...
There is this part of my personality that not many people know about because I'm so shy.
Here it is:  I'm secretly super-duper competitive.
I mean, really, really competitive.
There's one thing that has irked me for a very long time, and for some reason I feel the need to share it.

I'm secretly borderline obsessed about comparing my body to other people.
I check out other people, women especially, and wonder, Am I smaller than she is?
Or, if that person is obviously fit and trim, I can't help but look for other flaws to compare myself to.
At least my nose is smaller...
I dress better...
I have nicer hair...
I've got better lips...
My eyes are prettier...
The list could go on and on.

I really don't like this about myself.  I have to be very conscious about it to keep it from happening, because it is so automatic.

My most recent competition is with one of my BFF's and she doesn't even know about it.  Not to my knowledge anyway.  She probably will after reading this though.  She's a good person; I think she'll forgive me.  She will probably even chuckle.  I'm hoping so.

So, one of my BFF's that I have known since I was a freshman in college, has always, always been smaller than me.  Even at her largest weight, she was still about 20 pounds lighter than I was.  This has been a continual challenge for me - to become smaller than she is.  I never, ever have mentioned this to her.  In fact, I've only told one other person about this competitive side to my nature, and that within the last month.  I've been carrying this around inside of me for a very long time.

Well, said BFF is now very likely gaining weight.  For good reasons, not bad...she's preggers.  Yea for her!  And yea for me too, because this has given me the unique opportunity to lose weight and hopefully reach one of my life's goals: to weigh less than her.

There, I admitted it.
I'm awful.
I'm such a sneaky, competitive person.
Does that make me a bad person?
Or does that mean I'm just human?

Baby Stepping to the Door

Have you ever seen the movie What About Bob? with Bill Murry?  It's hilarious.
If you haven't seen it, I weep a little for you.
It's good times.

In the movie, Bob (played by one of the funniest men on the planet, Bill Murry),who is an extremely insecure and neurotic recluse goes to a new shrink (Richard Dreyfuss) and is told that he won't be able to have his weekly psychotherapy sessions because the doc is going on vacation for a month.  Instead, the doc gives him his own brand-new, best-seller book, "Baby Steps," to help Bob deal with his separation anxiety over the next month.  Bob, however, uses the idea of Baby Steps to baby step his way to the doctor's vacation home and into his life.  It's way funnier than my sad little summary makes it out to be.  You really ought to see it.

I've been thinking about Baby Steps the past few days.
I'd really like to sprint, run a marathon, take off like a bat outta - heck, you know what I mean.
I'd even settle for a scamper or a scurry...
But it seems that right now, I need to be taking Baby Steps.

Baby Steps to tracking my food.
Baby Steps to exercising.
Baby Steps to stopping eating when I'm satisfied.
Baby Steps to buying foods that are good for me.

And, though I'm moving at a slug's pace, things are going pretty much ok.
I tracked my food twice this week, which is two times more than the previous week.
And although I didn't get to the gym, I shook my booty at home to my Just Dance game.
(As a side note, I just have to say, I LOVE THIS GAME!  I'm even considering stopping my gym membership and Just Dancing full time because I am so intoxicatingly in love with this game.)
I'm being somewhat more mindful of stopping when I'm full, instead of stuffing my face until my plate is clean.
And I'm even trying to make smart choices about keeping the house stocked with foods that are better for me.  Why, tonight, I wanted to make cookies.  And make them I did...over at my sister-in-law's house.  And yes, I ate a couple, but then I gave ALL the leftovers to her because I know I can't handle them in my house at all.  That's progress my friends!

So this week I've been putting one foot in front of the other.
Baby stepping here.
Baby stepping there.
And when I went to Weight Watchers this morning, my Baby Steps had led to taking off 3.4 pounds this week!  Yea for Baby Steps!!

So I am (once again) officially smaller than the day I graduated from college, and that's a good feeling.
Just gotta keep going,
one Baby Step at a time.

101

Woo hoo!  This is my 101st post.
I can't believe I actually had that much to write about.
I wonder what percentage of my posts are mostly about poop.
Probably close to 50%, I'd say.
Lucky you.

And even better, my 100th post was completely inappropriate and sexualized.
Awesome.
I can't help but wonder who read the disclaimer at the beginning and skipped over reading it.
But even more, I can't help but wonder who read it and was too chicken to leave any feedback.
You know who you are, chicken man.

So, during this journey, I've realized two important things about myself.
One:  I am the QUEEN OF EXCUSES.
I can justify just about anything to myself.
Eating crappy,
not exercising,
not tracking,
not caring.

Here are a few of my favorites that I've pulled out of my butt the last few weeks:
I don't have enough time...
I'm too tired...
I'm a single mom and I can't make time for myself...(FYI, I'm not really a single mom, but I take care of Lily single-handedly 95% of the time, so it feels an awful lot like I'm single - but like I said, it's an excuse)
My workout buddy can't go, so I don't want to go...
I have too much work to do...
I have to grade papers/create lesson plans/make seating charts/do inane teacherly duties...
Tech boy is working on my computer and he smells too good, I'm powerless against it (if you read my blog 2 posts ago, this might make sense to you)...
I'm angry...
I'm hungry...
I'm depressed...
I'm PMSing...
I'm post-PMSing...
I'm pre-PMSing...
I'm thinking about PMSing...
I'm bloated...
I'm sick...
I'm cranky...
I want chocolate...
I want ice cream...
I want chocolate in my ice cream...


I could go on and on.
The fact is, I have an excuse for every day of not doing what it takes to succeed with losing weight.  They might seem justified at the time, but when I look back at them, I can see how trivial they are.


The second thing I'm starting to realize about myself, is how incredibly shallow I am.
I used to consider myself pretty deep, but I'm not so sure about that.  Maybe I was just fooling myself.
Because I have come to the conclusion that in regard to my reasons for wanting to lose weight such as:
be healthy
have a strong, healthy heart,
be a good example to my daughter,
be the woman God intends for me to be,
reach my fullest potential,
when all of it is said and done, the truth is,
I just want to look hot.


I can't believe I'm admitting this to you,
but I trust you'll be gentle with me and won't get all judgey-judgey.

It's true.
I want to look smokin' hot in a tight pair of jeans.
I want killer curves and a butt that won't quit.
I want men to want me, and women to want to be me (thank you Austin Powers for that quote).

It's shallow.
But it's true.
But hey, if it eventually works, then what the hey.

(NC-17) This post contains material that may be inappropriate for young readers

Okay, I'm going to warn you upfront that this post will probably be a little racy.
I'm intending it to be anyway.
So Mom, and anyone else who is already squirming, you may want to just skip this blog post.  I'm not kidding.  If you want to continue thinking of me as a sweet, innocent, good little girl, then this blog post is not for you!


Consider yourself warned.


Okay, if you're going to keep reading this, and you get all...twitterpated and stuff....then, you've nobody to blame but yourself.


I'm just going to start by saying that when you're married to someone who works nights, and you see your spouse all of 9 minutes a day most days of the week, there isn't a lot of opportunity for...nookie.

So sometimes, when the nookie is few and far between, you have to look to other avenues of pleasure.


Of course, you all know what I'm thinking about, don't you....
yes, that one thing that makes makes my skin tingle
my pulse race
my breathing accelerate
and sends shivers down my spine...
chocolate.

Whoa!  What are YOU thinking about??  That is so NOT where I was going.  You have such a dirty mind.


I have some chocolate in classroom (a dangerous thing, I know) that I used with my students the other day to teach them about geometry, in particular squares, rectangles, and quadrilaterals.  What, you don't see how chocolate relates to geometry?  It's simple...  Squares are a special kind of rectangle (did you know that squares are technically rectangles?  Learn something new every day!), and rectangles are special types of quadrilaterals.  Just like chocolate is a special kind of candy, and candy is a special kind of food.  It made sense to me, and made sense to my 2nd graders, so there.

So anyway, I have some chocolate left over, and today I saved enough points to eat some of it.

And while I was eating it, I was also reminded of a challenge my good friend, Heather, gave me awhile ago.

Heather and I started our own writing guild.  It's very exclusive.  So far we're the only 2 members.  Very hoidy-toidy you can no doubt imagine.

We were kidding around about a writing assignment to give ourselves.  We jokingly decided to write a sex scene for a romance novel, using as many euphemisms as we possibly could for male and female genitalia.  Personally, I just wanted to use the phrase "quivering member" in a sentence, and try to read it with a straight face.

Well, suffice it say, neither Heather nor I actually committed to writing the naughty nookie scene.

Until today.

However, I've decided to change the mission from steamy sex scene to titillating chocolate consumption. Because, sometimes, just sometimes, when it's difficult to be intimate with your spouse, being intimate with chocolate is almost as good.  Almost.

So, without further adieu...
Heather, game on!

The girl ever so delicately slipped her fingers inside the silver decorated wrapper.
The arousing aroma of cocoa wafted gently through the air, caressing her skin, causing her mouth to moisten and her lips to tremble.
Desire burned deep within her, bubbling up and over her flimsy inhibitions.
She wanted it.
Craved it.
Needed it inside her.
With reckless abandon she stripped the chocolate bare, tearing the bar free from the constriction of the paper surrounding it.  
It lay helplessly in her hands.  Vulnerable.  Bare.  Naked.
Slowly, carefully, she brought it up to her mouth.  With quivering lips she placed it on her wet tongue and closed her eyes in an explosion of ecstasy.  Creamy, choco-flavored exquisiteness melted inside her mouth.  The luxurious sweetness dripped down her throat as she savored every moment of her illicit consumption.  As the lingering pleasure of the moment began to tenderly wane, the girl's breath began to return to normal...that is, until she reached her hand into the bag for another.


What do you think?
Not too shabby?
Eat your heart out, Danielle Steel.
Alright, I'm going to go take a cold shower now.

Lists

I've been thinking in lists today.

Sometimes my brain works in odd ways.  (Hey, I hear that snarky comment, you!  Yeah, you know who you are, Snarkypants!)

Occassionally my brain works in different ways.
Sometimes everything reminds me of a Monty Python quote.
Sometimes I think in rhyme, for a very long time.
Often, everything needs to be done in song (and I do mean everything...I'll just let you muse on that for a second).

Today I'm thinking in lists.

Here are some important lists that have been running through my mind today:
I'll start with the best...

Top 5 Embarrassing Moments
5. Dancing to Weird Al's "Eat It" in the school-wide talent show when I was in 4th grade.
4. Burping in the middle of a kiss with my boyfriend.  Eww.
3. An unexpected visit from Aunt Flo when I was 19 at a Cardinal's game in St. Louis.  I didn't know she was coming, and I hadn't prepared anything for her arrival.  It wasn't until the 7th inning stretch that I found out she had arrived all over the back of my pants.  Ewww again.
2. Wearing a white bra underneath a black shirt in the middle of a rainstorm....oh, wait....
1. Being caught skinny-dipping by the police in a neighborhood pool after hours with my friends.  (I hope my mom's not reading this.)


Top 3 Ice Cream Flavors
3. Mint Chocolate Chip
2. Coffee & Dulce de Leche
1. French Vanilla (so classic, so creamy, so very very dreamy...uh-oh, I'm rhyming, watch out!)


Top 10 Items on my Bradbury List
10. Get to a healthy weight
9. Have oodles of children.  I'm thinking a baseball team.  Well, maybe a basketball team.  Perhaps doubles tennis.  Tetherball?
8. Dance all night long.
7. Become a published author.
6. Become a filthy rich and famous published author.
5. Become such a great author that I blow Stephanie Meyers out of the water.
4. Participate in a roller derby match.
3. Live in the Mediterranean.  Well, not right in the middle, because I'd likely drown.  You get what I mean.
2. Finish this list.


Top 3 favorite people in the whole world
3.  You.
2.  You.
1.  Oh, and don't forget about You.


9 Random Facts About Me You Probably Could Live Without Knowing
9. I was named after The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde.  A horror novel.  Go figure.
8. I have a tattoo that I got when I was 18.  No, you may not see it!  Unless we're in the pool.  Skinny-dipping.
7. I am ambidextrous.  I write and eat left-handed, but use scissors, throw and kick right-handed.
6. I am afraid of math.  And science.  Very, very afraid.  Except that I know that fluorine is considered the Tyrannosaurus Rex of the periodic table.  Thank you very much, Dr. Carter, for that one bit of trivia that I will never, ever forget.  That, and the fact that polar bear liver contains so much Vitamin A that you'l die, so don't eat it.  No matter how hungry you are.
5. I spent much of my childhood naked, running through rows of corn in Iowa.  Much of my young adult life was spent naked in swimming pools.  I then spent much of my adult life naked in hot springs in Japan.  I'm sensing a theme.
4. I've studied 5 different, foreign languages.  The only one that I'm fairly fluent in, I didn't learn in school.
3. I'm a vegetarian.  But only twice a week.
2. I have a hobby addiction.  I like to rollerblade, snow ski, crochet, scrapbook, make cards, calligraphy, play guitar, garden, paint, refurbish old furniture, create websites, write, sing, dance, swim, quilt, and bake.  It's a sickness.
1. I have a dog-like sense of smell.  My favorite scent is yummy guy cologne.  I could stand all day next to a guy who is wearing a good cologne and be perfectly happy.  My least favorite odor is diesel exhaust.  Smellwise, the worst time of day is after I've dropped off my daughter at the babysitter's and I'm stuck behind 50 school busses leaving the middle school campus when I'm on my way to work.  Yuckiness.

C'est moi.

I've been sitting here looking at this blank screen for about 5 minutes.

Okay, make that 10 now.

I've been thinking all day of what to write about.
What asinine circumstance can I find to make fun of?  That's been my mission all day long.
Unfortunately, I've not found much.

I think I'm thinking too hard about this.
Suddenly I'm worried about what people who are reading this are thinking.
What a conundrum.
On one hand, I want to be read.  I love getting feedback, and I like knowing that I bring a chuckle to others by how much I write about the fun gastrointestinal dilemmas that I seem to find myself in.

But on the other hand, I'm second-guessing myself.  I'm wondering who is secretly reading this and *gasp!* judging me on it.  I need to just stop thinking so much, and pretend that I'm the only one here.  Just me, all alone, so I can be honest.

Okay self, now that you're all alone, what is on your mind?  What would you like to confess tonight?

I'd like to say that things are not alright with me.
I'm not who I want to be, and that is bothering me an awful lot.
I'm not who I want to be spiritually,
emotionally,
or physically.

I guess it's good in some way to not be satisfied with my status quo,
to want more,
and to be
better
than I am right now.

And I want to be happy.
Deliriously,
unabashedly,
brazenly,
fearlessly,
joyously
happy with me.

So, I'm going to get right on that.
Just as soon as I figure out how.

Slower than a Salty Slug

Okay, I'll admit it.
I'm a schmuck.

You know it, and I know it.
There's no reason to hide around the bush.  You don't have to politely advert your eyes, or say, "no, no, I wasn't thinking that," because we both know you were.  And so am I.

I'm a schmuck.

Admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards fixing it, right?

Okay, so here's the prob...
I don't want to do this anymore.
I want a Do-Over.
I want to wake up and have a whole new, damn-she's-hot-and-oh-so-sexy body.
I don't want it to be so HARD!

I don't want to be accountable.
I don't want to keep track of every little thing that goes in my mouth.
I don't want to exercise.
I don't want to choose salad instead of ice cream for dinner.
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!

Do I sound like I'm 5 or what?

Alright....deep breath.
Innnnnnnnnn...............
Ouuuuuuuut................

Maybe another...........

Okay.
I'm ready to put on my big girl panties and pretend to be a grown up.

No more whining.
Not so much whining.
Only occasional whining.

And I'll try to be honest with you again.
And honest with myself too.

So let's start this honesty by saying I honestly have done crap to lose weight since the beginning of summer.  Our move from old house to new house helped me put on 15 pounds...and I've only taken 5 off.  I've been stuck in this rut of good intentions on Saturday morning being swept out the door by Saturday afternoon at the Chinese buffet.

I haven't exercised consistently -- and you all know how much of a struggle that is.
I haven't been blogging.
Or tracking.
Or caring.

I want to care.
I really do.

So I'm going to take the advice of trying to Fake It Till You Make It, and see if that helps.

And I'm going to ask for a little help.
From you, gentle reader.  If you're out there.
I've been blessed to be told that I've motivated others out there by my little blog.
But now, I need some motivation myself.

So, if you're out there, reading this, and you believe in fairies, clap your hands.
and you think I can do it, even when I don't think I can,
well, let me know.

The Yolk's On You

While searching for ideas for Filling Food recipes on the internet, I found a great idea for a way to make omelets without a lot of mess.

Lucky you, I'm sharing, because this is AWESOME!!

Okay, so no-mess omelets start like this:
Ingredients
eggs
ingredients you want in your omelet (like canadian bacon, cheese, herbs, salt/pepper, cooked veggies, etc.)
plastic, zippie baggie

Yes, that's right, you're going to cook your omelet in a baggie.
And you will be AMAZED!

So, take your eggs, crack them open in the baggie.
Add your other ingredients to the bag.
Close it with some air still in it.
Squish it, shake it, to the macarena with it, and get it all goo-ified.

Then, throw it in a pot of boiling water.
It should look something like this...

Yeah, I know, it's a beautiful thing.

So there's Koichi's and my omelet boiling away.  It takes about 10 - 12 minutes for it be fully cooked through.

When it's done, it just rolls right out of the baggie in a perfect little bullet-shaped omelet.

Here's Koichi's, ready for munching!

This way of cooking requires no oil, either.  It's amazing.  AMAZING I tell you!

Here's mine, ready to be wrapped up in a tortilla...

Can I just say YUM!

I love, love, love these omelets in a bag.  They're so super easy, and I'm all about that.  I'm all about lazy, too, and the fact that there is virtually no clean up (toss the baggie, dump the water, dry pot, and that leaves only a plate...which I could substitute with a napkin if I'm making breakfast burritos) makes me oh-so-deleriously happy.

Plus, THERE'S MORE!  You can prepare your egg-filled baggie the night before, and put the water on the stove for the next morning.  When you get up, turn on the water and go do you thing.  When the water boils, pull the baggie out of the fridge, dump it in the pot, and take a 10 minute shower.  Get out of the shower, turn off the water, get dressed and dried, and plop your omelet out to eat.  Perfecto!!

The Heart of Rock & Roll

Is the beat-uh.
Right?

So today I'm wondering, what is the heart of my struggle with food.
I was nearly in tears this morning as I left my weekly Weight Watchers, not because I had another gain (which I did), but because I realized that I have been floating like driftwood through my life for the past several months.  I haven't been proactive, I've just been ho-humming along with the flow of whatever is going on, not planning, not preparing, just reacting.  And reacting badly, I might add, to unexpected and even expected circumstances.  I left the meeting this morning feeling like I had no driving force giving my weight loss any momentum.

I am probably not making any sense here, so just bear with me for a moment while I rant.

So, I realized that I've just been drifting.  Okay.  Don't drift.  Be more purposeful.  Make a plan.  Be proactive.  Yes, yes, yes.  Those are all good ideas.  I think I'll do that.

But, deep down in the murky, watery recesses of my bad habits, something is lurking.  Something strong is the current that pulls me along helplessly, and this is what I want to figure out.  What is this overwhelming desire to eat so much?

Now, I want you to understand me.  I don't simply desire to eat a lot.  I desire to eat EVERYTHING.  Down in my bottom of my heart, when I see a pan of brownies, I don't want to stop at 1 or 2.  I want to eat the entire pan.  And I don't want to share.  A carton of ice cream, that's meant for me to eat in one sitting.  A large pizza, why that entire thing should be my dinner.  Get your hands off, it's mine.

I don't actually eat like this.
Often.
Usually.
Well, not in front of other people anyway, because that would be embarrassing.  Social norms help to keep my gluttony in check.

Ahhhh.....gluttony.
That word just finally popped into my mind.
There you are, you dirty little word.
I'd forgotten about you.

Do you visualize what gluttony looks like?
In my mind, gluttony looks like a big, sweaty, green, mucous dripping pile of blobbiness.
And it's in my heart.

Wow, I think I really worked myself into a revelation.
When I began this post, I really was wondering this, "Why do I want to eat everything all the time, and nothing ever satisfies me."
And now I've reached my answer:  gluttony.  

I don't know if this means much to you or not.  But, it means a whole lot to me.
See, I'm a Christian, and so I believe very strongly in the reality of sin.  And we have names for certain sins, and the one I'm struggling so much with is gluttony.

The real danger of sin though, is when they go unnoticed - when you can't name them, because you're unaware of them in your life.  That makes sin more powerful.  But naming your sin, and realizing that it is in your life, that begins the process of destroying that sin's hold on you.

The ancient fathers of the Christian faith recognized the deadliness of gluttony.  I have a little booklet about the passions (that's old Christian verbiage for those things we struggle with in life, meaning sin).  I'm going to grab it right now, because I obviously need to be reading more about gluttony and what the early Christians, those closest in lineage to Christ and the Apostles, had to say about this particular sin.

Okay...here it is.  It's not big.  It's just a tiny little booklet called The Teaching of the Holy Fathers on the Passions and is published by Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society.  Here's what it says in the introduction:

"The teaching of the Orthodox Church Fathers may be summarized by this parable:
     In the city there was a courtesan who had many lovers.  The governor came to her and said, "If you will promise to be good, I will marry you."   She promised, and the governor brought her to his home.
    
     But her former lovers said to each other, "That ruler took her to his house.  Let us go to the back of the house and whistle for her.  Then, when she recognizes the whistle, she will come down."

     When she heard the whistle she stopped her ears and withdrew to an inner chamber, shutting the door fast behind her.

     Abba John explains that this courtesan represents our soul.  Her lovers are the passions.  The governor is Christ, and the inner chamber is the eternal dwelling.  Those who whistled are the demons.  Behold, how this soul took refuge in the Lord!"

So there's me...the wanton woman.  But instead of stopping up my ears, I've been carousing around.  So much so, with gluttony anyway, that I ceased to even recognize that it was sin in my life.

But, now I see you, gluttony.  I have you in my sights.  I name you.  I know you.  I will be released from you, by the One who releases us from all sin.  Christ.

I totally wasn't planning on getting preachy when I began this post.  Honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind.  But this has been a really good reminder for me that this journey is not just a physical one about calories in, calories out...it's most importantly a spiritual matter.  I'd forgotten that.  I've been working this out on my own, instead of asking God's help and divine guidance.

So please excuse me....
I have some praying and confessing to do.

False Start

Do you remember Field Day in elementary school?

I had a love/hate relationship with Field Day.  I loved being outside and getting the whole day to play games and be with my friends.  And most of the games were fun.  I was a pro at the egg-in-the-spoon race because I have fairly good balance.  But some of the games I hated beyond belief.

The three legged race wasn't too bad...depending on who I was teamed up with.
The water balloon toss was actually fun.
But the relays and the dashes were totally and completely abhorrent.  I hated them beyond belief.

I always knew that one of two things were absolutely, without a doubt, bound to happen:
I would either A) Come in last place in all the running races.  Or B) I would begin before the coach said, "GO" and everyone would see me, and look at me, and in my mind, laugh at me.

The false start.
The bane of my Field Day fun.

So, for most of my elementary school field days, I would somehow get "lost" about the time the races started.  I wanted no part of the 50 yard dash or the 4 person relay.  I  didn't need that pressure.

So, that reminds me of what happened this last week.
I had a false start.
Not exactly the same type of false start that haunted my adolescent years, but a different false start that showed me I wasn't quite as mentally prepared as I thought I was.

Last week I attempted to start the Weight Watcher's Simply Filling technique.
Well...it didn't go quite as I had hoped.

I had planned well.
Organized my pantry and refrigerator.
I even had listed out all the foods I was prepared to snack on throughout the week to keep me on track.

And then reality hit.
And I realized that I wasn't quite ready for it.

This was really not the best week to start something new like the Simply Filling technique.
After a month and a half of summer freedom, I had four days of workshops and classes, which meant four days of eating out.  The Simply Filling technique, while it is awesome in many ways, is not very conducive to eating out.  It's a little difficult to find lean meats, veggies and fruits, and whole grains that haven't been smothered, covered, batter-dipped, or deep fried in one way or another.

I made a few fledgling attempts to stay on plan, but by Wednesday I had lost my oomph.

So, I had a false start.
Someone threw the penalty flag, and now I have to go back to the beginning.
That's okay though.  Tomorrow begins a week where I can feel more in control.  I don't need to eat out as much, and I don't have excuses to eat foods that aren't on plan this week.

So, I'm lacing up my shoes again.
And getting ready to knuckle down and start again.

Ready to Rumble!!

Okay, so I just now got back from the grocery store and my fridge is chock-full of veggies, fruits, legumes, and lean meats.  I'm ready for you, Simply Filling Weight Watcher Technique.  Bring it on!!

Oh yeah, I also bought some Beano, too.  Will be needing that for sure.
What?  You're not familiar with the wonder product known as "Beano?"
Prepare to be amazed!

This amazing technology is unbeknowest to me, but beknowest to the scientists who created this marvel of modern day medicinal products; Beano somehow counteracts against the bloat-inducing, fart-producing, belch-creating byproducts of eating foods with a high fiber content.  I don't know how it works.  I just know that people around me are much happier when I use it.

Since I'm switching to the Simply Filling technique (a.k.a. "Core Plan"), my fiber intake is about to increase dramatically.  I'm not sure my bowels are going to be ready for this, so I decided to do a pre-emptive strike with the Beano.

Hopefully the bloating, farts, belching, and general feeling of "eww" will be kept to a minimum.

The massive amounts of natural fiber can make life interesting, especially at first.  But, as I recall from my former days on the Core Program, things start to even out after a few weeks.

That's what a whole lot of fiber will do to you.

Oh yeah, and it will certainly induce professional-grade mounds of poop, too.
Ah, something to look forward to.

Clean Living

Today my parents met with a dietician/nutritionist (I'm not really sure of the difference, I'll confess) about my mom's diet.  Both of my parents are diabetic, and today they talked with the dr. about how to clean up their eating to help improve their blood sugar levels.  It's basically a low-carb diet, and after talking with my dad and reading through some of the literature they got from the doc, I realized it looks an awful lot like Weight Watcher's "Filling Foods Program" (which used to be known as the "Core Program").

I'm excited for my parents.  However, this is a major shift for them.  They're not exactly the healthiest of eaters.  I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not saying they eat pizza all the time, but they haven't really watched what kinds of foods they eat very carefully...hence, the diabetes.

I did the Filling Foods Program several years ago when I lived in Colorado Springs.  Before I got pregnant with Lily I had lost almost 50 pounds on the program.  I know first hand that it works.  I also know that it's also all about clean living and clean eating.

The Filling Foods Program is basically this (to the best of my knowledge):
You don't count calories/fat/fiber like you do on the Flex Points System.
You don't have to count anything that is a "Filling Food." (We'll get to what those are in a sec.)
If you want to eat something that is not a "Filling Food" you get 35 weekly points to spend any way you want, and you can count the points for the non-filling food items and be okay.

Here's what Filling Foods are:
Vegetables
Fruits
Fat Free Dairy
Lean Meats
Seafood (not covered in melted butter, of course)
Grains (like whole wheat cereals, brown rice, rolled oats...not bread however)
Legumes

So, as I noticed a friend write the other day, pretty much anything that comes from the ground or once had a momma.  (Thanks for that, Kinzie!)

Oh, and the kicker about Filling Foods is that you don't have to keep track of your daily points.  You don't have to weigh and measure.  You just eat until you are SATISFIED.  Wow, what a concept.  Stopping my eating when I feel satisfied.  Who wouldda thunk?

I haven't done the Filling Foods plan for years.  I loved it when I did do it, but it honestly isn't always easy. Eating out is a big challenge.  Deserts are hard, too.  But, not only is it super-duper healthy, good for me, makes me feel better, and surely makes my insides feel better....it also results in really great poo's from all the fiber.  Just thought you'd want to know that important bit of information.

I've been thinking for awhile about going back onto the new and improved Core Program (aka Filling Foods Program), but I've been too chicken.  Also, I really needed to learn how to recognize a portion size.  My eyes are way too large for my tummy, so portion size has been a good lesson to learn, though I must confess it's still a lesson that I'm working on mastering.

Now that my parents are going to try to embrace the low-carb diet for their health, I think this is a perfect time to try out the Filling Foods plan again.  I really want to encourage them and help if I can in anyway.  Maybe by working together we can help decrease their dependency on diabetes medications, and maybe even keep me from ever having to be on those medications in the first place.

So I need a few days to get some menus planned and my shopping list up and ready to go, but this next week is going to be all about the Filling Foods.

Here's to clean eating!!

Shameless

Today was shameless.
Meaning that, I felt no shame today.
No guilt.
No second guessing my actions, my eating, my food.

It was a good day, and I'm feeling proud of myself.

I had a district-sponsored workshop today that took place way far away from where I live.
So I couldn't come back home for lunch.
And I wasn't prepared enough to make my own lunch.
So, I faced the dilemma of eating...OUT.

Eating out makes me nervous because it's so very hard for me to make a good choice when I'm surrounded by all that cheesy, greasy goodness out there.

When I was driving to the workshop this morning, I had planned on Subway.  I don't really like Subway all that much...but it is pretty WW friendly.

But by the time 11:30 rolled around, I knew that Subway wasn't going to cut it, no matter how much Jerrod spouts off about how good it is.
I wanted meat.
I wanted to feel full.
And I wanted it now.

I almost, almost made a trip out to a fabulous Chinese restaurant that has really great sushi.  But, time was tight, and that was a little far away.  Then, Panara's started to sing its siren song to me "Ou la la!  French onion soup here!" but I have a hard time resisting their cookies.  Luckily for me there was a Chipotle's near by.

If you have never had a burrito from Chipotles, then I weep a little for you.
It's so good.
I mean SO good, y'all.

But the tortilla itself is about 8 points or something hideously high like that, so I opted for the less-compactly wrapped burrito bowl.  It's all the burrito intestines slooped out of the tortilla and into a bowl.  I now have visions of the scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke and Han Solo are stuck out on Hoth, and a tonton gets gutted.  Mmmm....just what I wanted for lunch.  (Yes, I do realize what a geek I am, you don't have to rub it in.)

But, just by forgoing the tortilla, cheese, and sour cream, I was able to eat my gutted, disemboweled burrito bowl (with extra tomato salsa and guacamole) for only 11 points.  That's not too shabby my friends, not for eating out anyway.  It would have been a lot less points without the guac, but I could afford the points, so ole!

As I walked to my car (walked, not waddled, mind you), I had a wonderful feeling of no shame.  No guilt. No I-so-shouldn't-have-eaten-that-because-I'm-totally-going-to-regret-it-at-weigh-in-time feeling.  And that feeling, my friends, is very good.  Even better when drenched in smoked chipotle pepper Tabasco sauce.

The Groove

I'm trying very hard to get back into the groove of having a Weight Watcher's friendly kitchen, and a Weight Watcher's friendly mindset.  The kitchen is the easy part.

The mindset -- not so much.

I'm doing okay...but not super duper great.
The weekends are still the worst.
If my family was made up of crappy cooks, it might be easier, but it's like everyone is a former member of the CIA - the Culinary Institute of America, of course.

Yesterday was a family get-together for my dad and aunt's birthday.  The dinner theme was a little nod to Italy: cheese-filled tortellini in Alfredo sauce with seafood bits, chicken and sausage-stuffed manicotti,  angel-hair pasta with sun-dried tomatoes and pesto sauce, and tons of garlic bread.  It's like the Carbohydrate Creature from Outer Space came and threw up all over the table.  There was a salad, but that had almost as much mozzarella cheese in it as vegetables. 

I tried to be good.
I really did.
I had one plate of food and then stopped.
But I wasn't full yet...so I went back for more and got.....salad!
That's a big step for me.

And at dessert time, instead of sampling all 4 deserts like I wanted to, I stuck to half-slices of the 2 that I really wanted to try.

It seemed like I was doing pretty well.
I won't mention that a few hours later I was eating another big helping of the pesto and garlic bread, and that I ate 2 slices of cake standing up over the sink.  I won't mention that at all.

Self-control is so hard for me.  I know this.  That's why I don't allow foods like that into my home, because I will eat them all, oh you glorious foods, get into my belly!  can't say "no." 

So, I'm making baby steps.  I know changing my lifestyle from one of complete gluttony to a healthy, mindful lifestyle won't happen overnight.  Or over a week.  Or a month.  Or maybe even a year.  But, I trust that someday it WILL happen.

HARDER and LONGER than ever before!

You know what I'm talking about, right?
Right?
I mean....you DO know what I'm talking about here, right?

Why are you looking at me like that?
What's that little smile for?
I mean, all I wrote was harder and longer than ever before.

Well, what do YOU think I'm talking about?

WHAT?!!?

You have such a dirty mind.

I'm talking about my exercise, of course!
D'uh!!

Today I exercised longer and harder than ever before.
I don't know how you could read anything else into that.
Sheesh.

I bumped up both the amount of time I worked out, and the intensity level.
And I hated nearly every moment of it.
But, it's over now, and I'm proud of myself.

There is one thing that I did enjoy while working out, though.
Sweating.
Well, not sweating, per se, but I did get some satisfaction of knowing that I was working so hard that sweat was dripping from my hair.

I'm not usually a big sweater.
I'm more of a gentle glistener.

So, today I wore my sweat-soaked clothes as a badge of honor.
My wet, stinky workout clothes that displayed my hard work in all my sweaty glory.

Anybody want a gloriously sweaty hug?

The World Cup of Weight Loss

I don't get soccer.  I really don't.
I realize I am totally American in that aspect.
I tried to get it.
When my little brother played soccer, I went to some games.
Unwillingly.
Bored out of my skull.
Pouting, sulking, and whining until my parents didn't make me go anymore.
Because I really, really didn't get it at all.

There is one thing about soccer that I like though:
When the commentators yell out with all their heart,
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!


That amuses me.
Greatly.

And I can relate to that.
Goals.
Making them.
Breaking them.
Not reaching them.
Wanting a "do-over" to try again.

I've had plenty of goals in my life.
And many of them I've reached.

I lived in a foreign country by myself for three years.

I taught myself a second language.

I earned a post-baccalaureate teaching certificate.

I will have earned a Master's degree next month.

I know what it is to have a goal in mind, and reach it.

But, when it comes to weight loss, I've failed to reach nearly every goal that I've put in front of myself.
I'm not sure why there's this disparity.
It's frustrating.

But, it doesn't stop me from making new goals.
Especially where there is....motivation.

I have two things that are really motivating me to stay on track and keep my butt in gear.

MOTIVATION NUMBER ONE:
My Japanese in-laws are seriously thinking of getting together next summer.  We saw them last summer, but haven't been back to Japan since then.  My parents-in-law want to see their only grand daughter and so they will provide us with a round-trip-all-expenses-paid-vacation-in.....Hawaii!!  Yeah, I know, pretty awesome, right?!  (Hawaii is kinda like the halfway point from us in the Midwest, and them in Japan.  Plus, there's a lot of Japanese people in Hawaii, so it's not exactly Japan - not exactly America....it's Jameripan!  Or something like that.)  


I've never been to Hawaii, and it would be absolutely fantastic to be able to enjoy it without worrying so much about my fat rolls and thunder thighs.  Plus, my in-laws would be so proud of me for losing weight.  They've mentioned before, how worried they are about my health, and my very unhealthy weight.


MOTIVATION NUMBER TWO:
IF I can get down to a semi-healthy weight (say, around the 200# mark, which is considerably healthier than I am right now), AAAAAAAAAAND....IF Koichi can get transferred to days instead of working nights.....THEN.......we think we're going to start trying for munchkin #2.  (This motivation has a lot of stipulations, though....so I've really got to get on the ball and do my part!)

Although my daughter is very, very high maintenance, and so far has been the absolute best form of birth control, I've come to the conclusion that God is good, and loving and kind, and there is no way He would do that to me two times in a row.  I hope.


So, I've got some goals in mind.
Things to aim for.
They're a little ways away, but I've got something to keep in the back of my mind when I'm eyeing the lasagna and thinking about seconds, or when I'm driving through Sonic for a drink and my mind starts to tell me how good a large order of onion rings would be.

So self, keep your eyes on the goal.
So that next summer when you're lying on the beach, you can think to yourself,
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It's Everywhere! It's Everywhere!

Lock your doors!
Pull down your shades!
Hide under the covers!
And for goodness sake, TURN OFF THE TV!


That's kinda how I felt today.
It just seems like food is EVERYWHERE.
Especially on TV.

And not healthy food either.
It's not like I saw a bunch of commercials for Dole bananas or a talk show panel debating the merits of different types of apples (I vote for Gala, Braeburn, and Jonagold, by the way).

Oh no, it's grease-laden, batter-dipped, deep-fried, artery-clogging, heart-stopping, ooey, gooey, slathered-in-butter, and dipped in caramel sauce.  And then, it's touted as HAPPINESS.

I am not kidding.  I actually saw a commercial today for a restaurant (Golden Corral, actually) and afterwards the tag line was something like, "Help Yourself to Happiness."

Really?
Is that what happiness is?
$10 for a buffet is happiness?
Gorging myself until my pants are so tight that they're digging into my flesh and make ugly red rings around my middle is happiness?
Well, I didn't realize that happiness comes so cheaply.

I don't know why, but that commercial really irked me.
Can you tell?

I can say with certainty that spending 47 minutes at Golden Corral, stuffing my face with three plates of food, and a full plate of deserts, plus ice cream....with sprinkles....is not happiness.

But I can think of some things that are pure happiness:
- My daughter's infectious laughter and her husky just-got-up-voice saying, "Good morning, Mommy!"
- My husband reaching out his arms to pull me into an embrace right before we say goodbye.
- Enjoying time with my relatives, laughing with them, recollecting old memories and telling stories of things and events that we experienced together.
- Spending time with my friends, who have known me for so long that they know me better than I know myself, and yet can still surprise me sometimes.

I know I can think of lot more things, but these go at the top of the list.

You know something that won't be on my list?
Watching TV.
Or the commercials.
Especially for Golden Corral.


************************************************
Just a side note:
We don't actually watch much TV at our house.  We don't have cable, and for three years we didn't get any local channels at all.  So, now that we have moved and actually have local channels, we're so out of the habit of watching TV, that we have watched all of one sit-com in the past month.  Today's incident with the commercials happened at the gym.  I happened to look up at one of the screens and there were three commercials in a row all for food.  I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to look away.  

One Or the Other

Evidently, I don't have the ability yet to do both exercise and eating right.  It's one or the other.  At least, that's how it seems to be right now.

Today I kicked butt and was taking names when it came to exercise.  I had a couple Heroes episodes to finish, so I banged that elliptical machine into submission for a full 60 minutes.  Plus cool down time, baby.  Oh yeah.

But then came the eating part.
This morning and afternoon weren't so bad.
WW english muffin and banana for breakfast.
Lunch was corn on the cob with bacon & tomato sandwiches.  (And I'm actually counting this as healthy eating because the only thing that really had any points was the bacon.  45 calorie bread and light Miracle Whip are together only 1 point, so boo-yah!)  Even dessert was low in points: watermelon and crustless strawberry "pie" (made with sliced strawberries, sugar-free jello, and sugar-free pudding).

So, I was doing well.  Really well.
Until dinner.

I made the mistake of asking Koichi what he wanted.
So I blame him for the copious amounts of lemon chicken, twice-cooked pork, white rice, and lo-mein noodles I ate this evening.  Not to mention the 3 crab rangoons and chicken satay that somehow wandered into my hands and quickly down my gullet.

So, it's a darn good thing that I exercised today.
Maybe someday soon I can get my act together enough to do both healthy eating (all day long, imagine that!) and exercise like I mean it.

My, My Miss American Pie

I made pie today.
It was pretty yummy.
Peaches, blackberries, blueberries, a little cinnamon and nutmeg.  Oh, and some sugar.
Just a little bit, along with a whole lot of Splenda.

So it's day two of back-on-track-me.  And it hasn't been too bad of a day.

I survived two church picnics.
I ate within my points (I'm guessing).
And I didn't get so stuffed that I was physically uncomfortable or felt the need to sit around with my skirt unbuttoned, and my shirt covering it up so no one could see.  Not that I've ever done that before...

I did have a very weird experience today, though.  And I'm not sure what to make of it.
I think maybe it had something to do with fiber.
Or something.
It's kinda gross though, so if you want to stop reading now, I'll understand.

You've been warned.

So, I'm at my friend's house for a church picnic, and I feel the urge to "go."  Really, really go.  In fact, my stomach is starting to cramp up quite painfully.  I grab Lily to take her with me, because I didn't want to let her run around unattended and bothering everyone while I spent, what was looking like it was going to be, a considerable amount of time in the bathroom.

Of course, on my way to said restroom, everyone, including my priest, had something very important to say to me, that had to be said right at that particular moment in time.  No one seemed to notice me clenching my butt cheeks teeth together tightly and holding my stomach.  Finally, I got to the restroom and did my bizness.

Unfortunately, it didn't help my tummy feel any better.
So I just sat there, thinking there were...umm...more kids to drop off at the pool, if you know what I mean.
But there weren't.
So I waited.  Still in pain.  And then I realized something odd was happening.

I was getting very hot and clammy all of the sudden.
And I was having trouble catching my breath.
And I started feeling light-headed.
And then the edges of my vision started to blacken...and I realized what was about to happen.

I was going to faint.
Right there.
On the pot.
With my bare ass hitting the floor.

I wasn't about to let that happen if I could help it.
So, while hyperventilating, I quickly cleaned my rear, then sunk to my knees, and barely got my didies up before I collapsed on the floor.  I didn't even bother pulling up my skirt.  It just lay there hugging my ankles.

I hadn't fainted.  But I knew if I didn't get horizontal pronto, I was going to.
And I would rather voluntarily lay down on a bathroom floor than to come crashing down on one unconscious.

Lily thought we were taking a nap, so she laid down on the floor behind me.

It was weird.

I'm still not sure why that happened.

I've only fainted a few times in my life, but they've scared me so badly, that I have remembered the signs.  And though I've usually fainted while standing up, this is actually the second time that I've started to faint while sitting on the crapper.  That's not something everyone can say about themselves.  The first time I nearly fainted was the day after Lily was born and I was trying to take a pee on my own without the catheter.

I really wanted to pee because that was one of the conditions from the doctor to let me out of the hospital I was in to go see Lily (who was in the NICU of another hospital).  Though I had a huge motivation to let the pee fly, I wasn't able to do it, and I realized then that I was about to faint, and I had to pull on the little I'm-in-trouble-while-sitting-on-the-shitter-emergency-string.

The three nurses who came to save me were pretty put out that I'd tried so hard and waited so long to ask for help.  When they got there, I begged them to let me lie down on the bathroom floor, but they must have thought was a little unsanitary, or they just didn't want to have to haul my hefty ass off the floor because they made me walk all the way back to my bed, with me hyperventilating all the way.  I know, totally rude, right?

But today there was no string to pull, and I didn't exactly want anyone coming in to see my lying on the floor with my polka dotted panties barely up and over my butt with Lily lying down beside me, playing with my hair.  I just waited until my breathing slowed down, and I felt a little clearer-headed before I got up.

So, that's the weird, random happening for today.

I know it has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss.

I just thought I'd share.  Aren't you lucky?

And after I got up and moving around, I felt fine.  I came home and took a nap, and went back out for another church picnic this evening, without suffering through the awkwardness in the bathroom.

Totally weird.
Totally random.
And totally a good reason to put on clean didies every day, just like your momma taught you to.

Two Steps Forward, Twelve Steps Back

Did you think you had seen the last of me?

Well.....YOU DIDN'T!

I'm back.
I may not be "all here" in terms of being all gung ho about losing weight, exercising, and eating right...but for right now, this moment in time, I'm right here.

I haven't blogged in over a month.
Wow.
I suck.

I can admit to suckage.

I've thought about blogging every single day, though.
It's funny.
I know in my heart, and even in my head, that I have better chances of sticking to the program if I will just commit to being honest and blogging.

Almost every day something has struck me and I'd think to myself, "That would be a good post for my blog!" but for some reason I haven't been here to share.

I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Especially to those who were looking to me for motivation.
I know it's inspiring to know someone who is successfully doing (or has successfully done) what you want to do.
I'm sorry if I haven't been that girl for awhile now.

So, let's be honest.
I've fallen down.
Pretty hard.
And I'm just finally starting to shake the dust off my knees and get back on my feet.

Here's the honest-to-goodness truth:
I've gained back 12 pounds.
In three weeks.
Landing me back up at 266.4 pounds.

Most of it was due to the move.
We moved out of our old rental house into a new rental house, and for two weeks we ate out for almost every meal.
And when we finally got all of the food moved back into our new house, I was so used to eating whatever piece of batter-dipped, french fried crap I wanted, that I couldn't get back on track for over a week.

I'm still struggling.

This last week was a little better.
I finally journaled a couple of days.
I even went to the gym once or twice.
And thank goodness, that I lost 2 pounds this week.

So, now I'm at 264.4 pounds.
Closer to 300 than 200 right now.
And that sucks.
But I've nobody to blame but myself.

But, I'm not going to wallow in blame right now, or guilt.
I'm just going to say,
"Well, that does suck.  But I can either keep sliding backwards, or I can start to move forwards.  What's it gonna be?"

I'm making the conscious decision to start moving forwards again.

I realize that losing 100 pounds before the end of the year is now impossible.
And that's a shame.

AW, SCREW IT!
I'm  not going to beat myself up for the mistakes I've made.
So what if I don't reach my big goal in my given time frame?!
All I have to do is just reach it.

Confucius say, "The biggest journeys all start with a single step."

Yoda say, "Try?  Try?  There is no try.  There is only do, or not do."

But the best is what my Lord, Jesus, says, "In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

So, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
Stop trying, and start doing.
And trust God to be with me every step of the way.

A State of Mind

The universe is talking to me.

And by the universe, I mean God.

Because the universe doesn't actually talk.  That I know of.  Parts of it do, like you and me who are part of the universe, but in its entirety, it doesn't seem that the universe is actually very articulate.

Unlike yours truly.

So, what I'm starting to hear loud and clear from God and those who He placed in my life, and the circumstances He's brought me to - is that this whole weight loss thing is less physical and more mental than anything else.

Not that if I just wish hard enough this is going to happen.
And not that I won't have to work very hard physically to achieve my goal.
But my hangups, my struggles, my foibles - are all more about what is going on in my head than anything else.

I've been thinking about this the past couple days after some remarks by some friends who have been here and done this.  They've been very encouraging, and have got me thinking about my thinking.  Oooh, metacognition in action.  (Look, I'm a teacher geek!)

So if losing weight is 99% mental, then I have to ask myself if I'm strong enough mentally to do this.  Do I have the mental fortitude that is needed to overcome my weaknesses?

I found an interesting web site that tackles the whole issue of overcoming food cravings and what to do to lose weight.  It's brash, rude, and very in your face.  I love it.  You're welcome to read it, though be warned  that it is strongly worded.

My favorite part of what this guy wrote is at the very end of the page.  It says this:

"So don't whine to me about how hard it is for you. Do you think I will feel bad for you? I won't. You are not special. It is exactly as hard for you as it is for me and EVERYONE else. What's the difference? I have what it takes mentally. Ya know what else? You have it too. You just need to learn to use it."


Sometimes its good for me to have someone be rude and crude in their honesty.  Though I really, really appreciate all of you who take my whining in stride and never make me feel bad about it.  You are very kind to put up with me. 

Fat Girl Thin

Hmm...that sounds like it out to be a band name.  Or a book title.

Today Lily and I went with my younger brother and his adorable family to a kiddie music festival sort of thingy.  It's hard to explain.  It's called Jiggle Jam, and it has kid-centered musicians, as well as local artists, community groups and programs with different tents full of activities for kids to enjoy.  Lily and her cousin, Abby, had a great time.

The very fist tent we went into had a little area for kids to play instruments, and a table full of dress up clothes.  After the kids dressed up, there was a photo booth to take some pics in.  Lily got dressed to the 9's (where did THAT saying come from, anyway?) and we headed in to take some pictures.

They're cute pictures.  If I had the energy, I'd go get them, scan them in, and then paste them onto this blog entry.  But, I don't have that kind of energy.  I'm exhausted.

But, as with all pictures that I see of myself, I can't help but be astounded by how big I am.

I've heard some people say that after they have lost a lot of weight, they have a hard time seeing themselves as thin.  They still think of themselves as fat.

I'm the opposite.  Other than when I physically can't do something because of my size, I usually feel like I'm a thin person, and I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and I see a fat girl looking back at me.

I'm limber, have great balance, and some killer dance moves (thanks to Napoleon Dynamite).  I don't feel like a fat girl.

Usually.

Sometimes, it creeps in though.

When I go to the gym and see other people running on the treadmill and I think I wish I could do that.  Or when I see an ad on TV for a cute, strappy dress and I think I wish I could wear that and look good.  Or when I go to buy shoes and say to myself I wish I didn't have to buy wide width shoes.

I hope there comes a time soon when my outside matches my perception of me on the inside.
Cause I'm a thin girl ready to be set free.

The Easy Way Out

I think I've got a handle on why I've felt so emotionally crappy the past week or so.

Aunt Flo.

She's not a nice aunt.  Oh no.  She's crabby.  Any whiny.  And takes things way too personally.

And she showed up on my doorstep today, though her presence causes somewhat of a hormonal ruckus in my body for at least a week before her arrival.  She's not someone I enjoy having visit, that's for sure.

I don't think I have that many male readers here, but for those who are, I can't help wondering if they're scratching their heads, going, "What the heck is she talking about?!  Who is this Aunt Flo?"  


Ahhh, boys.  What a joy it must be to not have to deal with this every month.  What's that?  Is that a faint gleam of recognition in his eye?  Is he starting to blush and look around to see if anyone is watching?  I think he may have just closed his internet browser on me.  Wuss.


So anyway, back to me....

I'll admit it.  I get whiny.  I know this.  I accept it.  I sometimes embrace it.

And you'll have to forgive me for getting all nasally while I whine, but...

THIS IS HAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRD!

I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOORE!

WHY CAN'T IT BE EASIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIER?!?


Okay.  I'll stop.

But this week I really was wondering about this.
Why can't it be easier?
Why is it so damn hard?

I  did a little research recently on the Lap-Band procedure.
It's starting to look good.
Really good.
And really out of the realm of financial possibility.
Insurance won't touch it.
We don't have the cash to pay for it.
And I don't really want to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for it either.

But, I think I'm at the point that I'd do it if I had the chance.

I know it would be really hard, in a different way.
People who choose the procedure have to give up a lot.
They have to sacrifice food in a way I never have in my life.
And soda.
And ice cream.

But in some ways it seems like it would be easier.
Your choices are made for you.
You can only physically ingest so much food before you're in pain.
Certain foods can not be physically tolerated.

I think if I had a sudden windfall of money, I'd do it.

But that's not likely anytime soon, so I'll have to deal with my whininess in other ways.

I looked up weight loss hypnosis, even.

But I don't think I'm going to go there, be that person.  Not yet anyway.

There is one thing that I found in my search for making this a little easier on myself:
AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.

I realized that my bad attitude is making this whole process harder for me than it has to be.  I've been trudging through the past few months like I'm being dragged through the mud.  Weight loss stopped being fun, and started being work, but it became that way because that's the way I made it for myself.

I lost my joy.
I lost my excitement.
And I've been looking all around me to see where I dropped it, when...
(ready for some cheese???)
IT'S BEEN INSIDE ME THE WHOLE TIME!!

I have to choose to be positive.
I have to choose the words that I will say to myself and play in my head.
I have to decide that this is what I really want to do
that I am 100% committed
that I want this more than anything else
that I am looking forward to it
that I am excited about it
that it is FUN.

Nobody else can lie to me convince me other than me.  (See, that bad attitude tried to pop up again.)

So I may not be able to afford someone to open me up and but a band around my stomach.
And I may not be ready for hypno-therapy.
But I can talk myself into this.
I can say positive things.
I can choose to have a positive outlook.
And I can positively, absolutely, FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT.