The Game

There's a game that I play every Friday night.
It's called:  How Little Can She Eat?

I hate being wrapped up in this game.  The game takes place because of my Saturday morning weigh in at Weight Watchers.  See, if I don't eat very much on Friday night, then I have a better chance of losing a couple pounds (more like ounces though) on Saturday morning.

I'm trying hard to get my mind out of this game though, because I know it is really a sign that I'm still treating this whole thing as a diet, and not a change towards a healthy lifestyle.

So, I tried harder today to not play the game so much.  I ate all of my points for the day, just most of them before dinner time, so I'd have to have a small dinner: popcorn and an apple with peanut butter.  There is no other day of the week where I would call that dinner.  So, okay, I'm not fixed yet.  I'm still broken.

I wonder how long it's going to take to get through my thick skull that I need to do more than the minimum, because the minimum is not working worth crap.  I've just been barely inching down the scale, only losing about 20 pounds in a year.  That's pretty pathetic.

So, I've got to get my head out of this game.  Because it's not a game, it's my health, and ultimately my life, and I only have one life, no Super Star Power, no Magic Mushrooms, and no way to earn Extra Lives.  I am not Princess Peach, and this is not Mario Brothers, so I need to stop living like it is.  Even if I am cute and blonde.

Money Maker

I'm just going to say it.

I like to boogie.

There.  It's out.  No more hiding this deep inside me like it's some kind of dirty secret.

Oh, I see your little smile.  You must not understand.
I don't like to just dance.  Not that dancing isn't fun.
I'm not talking tap, ballet, or interpretive dancing.

Oh no.
I'm talking boogie.

Butt shakin',
Hip thrustin',
Naughty grindin',
Pole dancin',
I'm-surprised-no-one's-trying-to-shove-money-down-my-pants-boogie-style-dancing.

I'd like to take this moment to say how thankful I am that I was raised in a Southern Baptist home where this kind of dancing was deemed as a one-way road to hell strongly frowned upon.  It helped keep me decent.  If I had been born into a non-Christian, non-religious family, I likely would have ended up as a go-go table dancer or a stripper.  The thought of that frightens me now.

Anyway, all this has recently come to mind because, after weeks and weeks of being away, I have finally returned to Zumba.  If you've never seen Zumba, it's a Latin-based, dance aerobic workout.  It's a lot of fun.  It's very sweat-inducing.  And when it's lead by a booty-shaking leader, who I think secretly wants to be a go-go dancer, it can get a little risque.  BUT IT'S SO MUCH FUN!!

I'd forgotten how much fun it is to shake my groove thang.
It was nice to be reminded that even though I'm sweating and exercising, I can still have fun.

I like to boogie.
I like the night life.

Crap on a stick.

That's how I feel.  Like crap on a stick.

I'm so disgusted with myself.  This is not where I wanted to see myself a quarter of the way through the year.  I have lost virtually no weight, and I can't seem to get my butt in gear for the long haul.  I'll be okay for a few days, and then something will happen, and my whole motivation will get derailed.

I know what I need to do.
It's not a matter of knowing better, because I do know better.
It's a matter of commitment.
It's a matter of wanting to be thin more than I want to stuff my face.

I think part of the problem is that I don't truly believe I can do it.  I've never done it in the past, so I must not be capable of losing a significant amount of weight. I know that's a crappy thing to say to myself, but it's kinda how I feel right now, and I'm just having a hard time believing in me.

So, what am I going to do with myself, hmmm?
Am I going to spend another day stuffing my face with whatever I feel like, or am I actually going to take control of my eating and my bad habits and do something healthy with my body?

I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I hope it brings a better attitude than this though, because this is just shitty.