Broken

I don't know why this struggle is so hard for me.
For the most part, whenever I've wanted to do something, I've been able to do it.
But this...
The weight...
The struggle against what I put in my mouth...
I haven't yet conquered this.

Sometimes, I think there must be something broken in my brain. Some synapses are not connecting --  neurons are not making dendrites, or is the other way around? Anyway, something must not be right in there, or else I wouldn't keep doing this to myself.

No sane person would continue to eat crap, eat excessively, and refuse exercise.
No sane person would allow their body to break down like I have -- or more precisely, encourage my body to break down.

So, I must be broken.

But, I've started using this ideas that I'm broken to justify my bad habits.
I'm broken -- why even bother?
I'm broken -- nothing will work for me.
I'm broken -- I'll just screw it up later.

I'm tired of being broken.
I'm tired of a lot of things.
I'm tired of not being able to get off the couch because my knees hurt so much when I try to stand, and I have to push myself off the armrests.
I'm tired of not being able to get on the floor with my kids because I'm afraid of them watching me struggle to get up.
I'm tired of being in pain every moment of the day because of my aching knees and tendonitis.
I'm tired of relying on the hand rail to pull myself up the stairs as I go up at a snail's pace.
I'm tired of always being the biggest person in the room.
I'm tired of not having clothes to wear because I'm at the end of my wardrobe's biggest sizes and if I need more clothes, I'll have to go out and buy them.

I'm tired of being a failure.

I hope this tiredness is enough to get me over my brokenness
and
just
try.

Hello. My name is Dorian, and I'm an addict.

I can just hear you now saying, "Hello, Dorian!" in such a warm, accepting tone that offers absolutely no judgment whatsoever.

Thank you. That's so kind.

Today was the first successful day of staying on track that I've had in nearly three months. It's been that kind of...season? Three months is a long time to screw around.

I'm not sure why today is any different than any other day. I just decided.

I wonder how much of our life successes are based on that. Just deciding.

Today, I just decided to make sure I packed enough food that I wouldn't get so hungry at 4:00 that I felt the need to eat everything in sight.

I also decided to drink as much water as possible, and keep the caffeine consumption to a minimum.

And I decided that no matter what happened, I would stay within my Points today.

It's funny what just deciding about something can do.

It worked. That's what it did.
My 4:00 snack helped me stay on track until dinner time.
The water I drank throughout the day helped to keep me full, hydrated, and I think helped with sugar cravings. I don't know what the limited caffeine did to help me, but I get all of my caffeine through diet soda, so I know that can't be great for me. I'm sure limiting it does something good for me.

So, one thing I decided is to admit that I'm a food addict. In particular, I'm a sugar addict.
I don't know what it is about sugar, but in certain forms I feel powerless against it.
Mostly the form of chocolate.
Especially M&M's and Reeses Pieces. They're my own personal form of Kryptonite.
Over the past few weeks, I've started to notice how much sugar I am consuming through sweets. Donuts. Ice cream. Chocolate. Cookies.
Almost everyday, I craved something full of fat and sugar. And nearly every day, I gave in to my cravings.

I finally realized that I need to get this crazy addiction under control or I'm going to quickly end up as a diabetic. I've watched my mom inject herself with insulin for years and years. I don't particularly want to experience that myself.

Time to give my pancreas a rest, and stop using up all my body's insulin just because I have a sweet tooth.

Here's to another successful day tomorrow of deciding to do what's best, not necessarily what's easy.

Giddy-on-up, horsie!

So, I was riding the weight-loss horse really well.

Something unexpected happened - I can't even remember what it was. The horse got spooked, and I got bucked off.

Not only did my tail end get bruised, but once I was down, I stayed down.

Story of my life.

I'm so mad at myself, because I was doing so well! I was on a roll! I was showing stick-to-it-ive-ness! I was making a healthy lifestyle into a *gasp!* habit!

And then in a moment, it was over.

I know, I could have gotten right back on that horse. But, it was like I was trekking through the Swamp of Sadness in The Neverending Story. You don't just fall in that muck and then get back up. Plus, my horse was in danger of getting sucked into the swamp as well.

So now that I've had a few weeks to wander through this swamp, get good and dirty, and pretty much feel crappy about myself, I'm ready to do what needs to be done to get back on the horse. I'm not sure why today is different than the day before, when I wasn't ready. Maybe it's that today I'm making a choice to be proactive. I will happen today, instead of just letting today happen.

So, I am choosing to get on the horse.
I'm choosing to climb out of the muck
I am choosing to happen.
Today.

How about you?


Image Attribution: By Thomas Reich (Auftragsarbeit) [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons

In It For the Long Haul

Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I was feeling frustrated. I lost weight this week. 1.2 pounds bit the dust, and I'm thankful that they are no longer part of me. I wasn't frustrated that this is the smallest weight loss I've had in the past 10 weeks - though it is. I can be okay with that. After all, I can't keep up the three and four pound weeks forever.

No, my frustration is in how long it takes to get rid of extra weight. I've lost 20 pounds in the past 10 weeks, and I'm happy with that. I've been working hard, and it's coming off nicely. I'm frustrated that I could easily gain 40 pounds or more in 10 weeks. It sucks that it's easier to put on than to take off.

So unfair.

But, even though I'm frustrated with how long it takes to change, my epiphany was this:

Time is going to continue to move on whether I lose weight or not.
Next year is going to come.
October 2015 will be here regardless of my weight loss efforts.
There is nothing I can do to slow down, or speed up time.

The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth, the decisions I make, the commitments I keep.

And then next year, If I stay on track, losing little by little, I'll reap the rewards of my hard work. Twenty pounds will turn into fifty. Fifty will turn into a hundred. Just keep taking one step at a time. Little by little. And stay on track.

That's my pep talk for today.

Saturday Update

I've been a dedicated little Weight Watcher-er this week, lemme tell ya.

Wednesday evening my walking buddy, Audra, and I decided to brave a break in the rain and tried to get in our walking that night.

We took all of three steps and the skies broke open with a deluge of rain. This was no gentle misting of rain - oh no - it was an absolute downpour.

Undaunted, we headed on, thinking it would surely pass in just a few minutes.

Not so.

We had to shelter underneath a pavilion, however, it soon became evident that the storm was not going to let up, and so we continued walking.

By the time we finished one mile, we were completely soaked. Wet, and cold, we decided to forego mile number 2, and went home.

We came back the next night, though, and walked 2 more miles.

Wow, what dedication!!
Excuse me while I pat my own back for a minute.

But, because of our extreme dedication, and spending another week of tracking my eating faithfully, let to....

Wait for it.....

Wait....

2.7 pounds gone this week!!

Woo hoo! I made it to my 5% goal, and have now gotten rid of 19 pounds in the last 9 weeks.

Check out that graph!!

I just want to make the point that I haven't "lost" those pounds.

I've gotten rid of them.

I know exactly where those 19 pounds went. They're hanging around the track at the park where I walk 3 days a week. They're sitting on the shelves of the grocery store as I walk past unhealthy choices, and make my way to the produce section. They're at the back of the parking lot where I park my car, so that I have to walk a half mile just to get to the front door (well, it feels like it anyway). They're sitting next to my iPad, where I log what I've eaten and how much every day. And they're on the floor of the kitchen, hanging out where I've said "no" to myself over and over again, going to bed early instead of giving in.

I know where those pounds have gone. They're not "lost" at all.

I've gotten rid of every single one of them through hard work and determination.

Non-Scale-Victory!

Today was weigh-in day for me, however, due to....issues....I decided not to weigh in. Women issues. Monthly issues. Let's just leave it at that, shall we.

Nobody wants to weigh in when they're bloated and b*tchy.

Not even me.

So, I took a week off the scale. That doesn't mean I took a week off of staying on track. I'll admit, I struggled with tracking every single day. We lost our internet connection at home for several days, and I usually don't have the foresight to track my food at work, so I got home several days in a row and wasn't able to look up the Weight Watchers points on some foods. But, I still tracked mentally, and stayed within my points.

I just needed a meeting without weighing in today, and that's okay.

So, I didn't get the self-congratulatory confirmation of seeing the numbers go down on the scale, but I did get another affirmation that I'm on the right track.

A non-scale victory, my friends, or an NSV, for short.

Yesterday was jeans day at work, and I wore a pair that I bought just this past July, when I was at my highest weight. Yesterday, I was worried that someone would pull on them, and they'd fall off. This morning, I showed my husband how loose they are on me. I still had on my sweat pants from my morning walk, and I could pull them on over my sweats, without unbuttoning them, and could still pull out several inches of extra material. 

I think they are going to be shelved from now on. 

So, that was my first NSV. I have lost so much weight, that my newest pair of jeans are no longer wearable. 

The second NSV happened when I searched for something to wear today. I bought those pair of jeans because all of my other jeans were too small for me, and I needed something for "Friday Jeans Day" at work. I looked through my closet, and pulled out a pair of jeans I bought almost exactly a year ago, and could only fit in for a few weeks. I pulled them on, and a zip and a snap later, they fit!

I love shopping in my closet!

I'm really looking forward to the weeks to come, as I continue to lose weight. This summer, I inherited a big box of clothes from one of my besties who recently lost a lot of weight, and though the clothes were a couple sizes too small for me at the time, I was hoping to get back down to that size so I could wear them.

Now, I'm doing more than hoping. I'm actually doing something about it. I'm going to give myself a few more pounds to lose, and then I'm going to go through the box and see what fits. I'm excited and looking forward to that time. 

It's time for me to plan for the week ahead. What am I going to continue to do to be successful, and what did I do last week that I need to change?

My goal is to be down to the official 15 lb. mark, according to Weight Watchers records, and thus, reach my 5% goal. I was almost there last week, so this week, I'm determined to continue tracking my food, exercising with my walking buddy, and being mindful of what I put in my body. 

I can do this! 

You can too, you know. 

Another Pound Bites the Dust!

Actually, 3.4 pounds bit the dust this week. Woo hoo! Weight Watchers says I've only lost 13.4 pounds since my start weight, but I'm counting from my "get-your-sh*t-together-and-get-this-done" moment after we visited with Lily's nutritionist about her too high BMI.

So, counting from then, when I weighed 295 pounds, I've lost 16.4 pounds. Here, you can see the handy-dandy line plot that Weight Watchers provides on their website for me each week. I love seeing the trend line pointed down at a sharp curve. Makes me feel good about what I've been doing, and encouraged to keep it up.

That bump in the road is from a few weeks ago when I dislocated my shoulder. If you read that post, you'll know why that is also known as when I didn't poop for a week. No wonder I gained a few pounds that week. But, I got right back on track with the weight losing wagon.

Now, I'm down to 278.6. I have less then 2 pounds to go to get to my 15 pound mark (for my official Weight Watchers award...which is a sticker, actually - stickers motivate me for some silly reason) AND to meet my 5% goal. I get a fancy doodad for my keychain when I meet that goal. Woo hoo!

So, here's to another week of planning, being prepared, tracking my food, saying no to trigger foods, being mindful of every bite, tracking my food, exercising with my buddy, drinking my water, tracking my food, believing in myself, and tracking my food. Do you see a pattern here?

Anyone wanna lose a couple pounds with me this week? What are you going to do to be successful this week, too?