I don't know why this struggle is so hard for me.
For the most part, whenever I've wanted to do something, I've been able to do it.
But this...
The weight...
The struggle against what I put in my mouth...
I haven't yet conquered this.
Sometimes, I think there must be something broken in my brain. Some synapses are not connecting -- neurons are not making dendrites, or is the other way around? Anyway, something must not be right in there, or else I wouldn't keep doing this to myself.
No sane person would continue to eat crap, eat excessively, and refuse exercise.
No sane person would allow their body to break down like I have -- or more precisely, encourage my body to break down.
So, I must be broken.
But, I've started using this ideas that I'm broken to justify my bad habits.
I'm broken -- why even bother?
I'm broken -- nothing will work for me.
I'm broken -- I'll just screw it up later.
I'm tired of being broken.
I'm tired of a lot of things.
I'm tired of not being able to get off the couch because my knees hurt so much when I try to stand, and I have to push myself off the armrests.
I'm tired of not being able to get on the floor with my kids because I'm afraid of them watching me struggle to get up.
I'm tired of being in pain every moment of the day because of my aching knees and tendonitis.
I'm tired of relying on the hand rail to pull myself up the stairs as I go up at a snail's pace.
I'm tired of always being the biggest person in the room.
I'm tired of not having clothes to wear because I'm at the end of my wardrobe's biggest sizes and if I need more clothes, I'll have to go out and buy them.
I'm tired of being a failure.
I hope this tiredness is enough to get me over my brokenness
and
just
try.
