Pros and Cons

Today was weigh-in day at Weight Watchers.

It wasn't pretty.

I worked my butt off this week, but all of the eating out that I did on vacation could not be easily undone. I gained 3.5 pounds.

Yuck.

I was not too happy, but I wasn't too surprised, either. I ate crap all week long. That's what vacation is, - don't you know - a chance to eat every unhealthy, deep fried, covered in butter, with a side of au jus, food item that you can possibly eat. Because, I'll probably never be at this restaurant again. I should really try their yummiest (calorie-rich) thing on the menu, or I'll forever regret it. That's how my whole week was like on vacation. And now, I get to deal with the consequences of that. Three point five pounds of consequences.

Looking back on this last week, the week of post-vacation redemption, I didn't do too bad. Other than the weekend, I tracked what I ate everyday, and I stayed within my points. Here's to trying to do it again this week, as well.

I've added up my Weight Watcher points for the day, and tracked them online. I feel like a rock star! An overweight rockstar with a food addiction, but a rock star nonetheless.

Today I've been pondering heavily on whether or not I want to go forward with gastric bypass. I think I do. There's a lot of fear there, though, so I thought I'd do a comparison of going through with gastric bypass vs. continuing trying to lose with with Weight Watchers, or some other type of non-surigical lifestyle change.

If I Continue with Weight Watchers (and don't have the surgery)

• I can eat whatever I want, I just have to count the points.
• I'm familiar with the program; I don't have to learn anything new
• I don't have to suffer the difficulties of preparing for surgery, or the unpleasant side effects that can accompany gastric bypass (i.e. dumping)
• I know I can lose weight on the program, because I've done it before; I know it works
• I can quit at any time
• No scary surgery
• BUT, it's all up to my level of motivation and sticktoitness to be successful
• It's easy to cheat
• It costs $40/month, and I feel like it's such a waste when I'm not losing weight
• In the 10+ years of me being on WW, then off, then on again, I've never lost enough weight to make it to goal, nor have I ever kept the weight off. 
• I'm still morbidly obese, even though I'm a WW member. 

If I Go Through with Gastric Bypass Surgery

• I run the risk of complications, and all the scary stuff that could happen during any type of surgery (i.e. death!)
• It could end up being expensive - if something goes wrong
• It's not something I can just stop if I don't want to do it anymore. 
• I may not be able to eat some kinds of foods, perhaps ever, if my body doesn't adjust to them after the sugery
• I'd have to learn a completely different way of eating, and eat very particular kinds of food to ensure I get enough protein every day
• I'd have to take vitamins every day for the rest of my life
• I'd have to be super careful about what types of medications I take
• BUT...there's a 65% success rate for gastric bypass patients keeping their weight off for good. I don't think Weight Watchers can boast that. And most patients lose about 70% of their extra fat from the surgery alone
• It would force me to change my lifestyle for a long time - resulting in drastic weight loss
• It's not something that I can cheat on as easily (though I'm sure it can be done eventually), again, the dumping *shudder*

There's pros and cons to both, of course.
But, I think if I'm left to my own devices, my own motivation, then in 10 years I'll probably be the same situation. Only 5% of obese people are able to lose enough weight to be at a healthy range, and then keep it off, through diet and exercise alone. I'd love to think that I'm part of that 5%, but experience shows that I'm more likely on the other side of that statistic.

The bottom line is, what will make me more healthy?
What will keep me around for my kids the longest?
What is the best choice for my future and my family?

Lots to think about.

It's Not Easy Being Fat

It's easy to get fat, but it sure isn't easy living a fat person's life.

I was reminded of this again today when I took my two kiddos out to a beautiful children's farm and playground.

There were slides and tractors and fun playground equipment for the kids to play on, and inevitably, get stuck on. Then it was up to me to climb up, if I could, and save them from the impending peril of actually going down the slide, or climbing off the tractor.

I was terrified I was going to break something. I'm not afraid to get dirty, or be silly with my kids. I am, however, afraid of breaking a wooden playground set into tiny, splintery pieces and making children cry by accidentally landing on them. None of that happened; it's just a fear of mine, and it hampers what I allow myself to do with my kids.

Thank goodness I don't have to tie these. I
don't think I'd survive. I'd probably pass
out first. Can you imagine the 911 call?
"This lady isn't breathing. She was
trying to tie a pair of hightops, and
it was too much for her."

The other day my oldest daughter bought a beautiful butterfly decoration for her bedroom. She used her own money to purchase it after we visited a butterfly house in St. Louis. It took 3 days for me to get my courage up enough to climb on top of her three-foot tall dresser to put it up, because I was sure I was going to break it. Thankfully, the dresser held. The butterflies are beautifully hung, and all is right with the world.

Bending over isn't easy for a fat person, either.
When my youngest daughter's sandal comes unbuckled I invariably hear, "Mama! Shoe!" and I know I'm going to need to find a place to sit her up, or sit me down. Today I could find neither, and I had to suck in a huge breath, and try to get her shoe buckled before I needed to breathe again. Fat cuts off the respiratory system when you bend over. It took me three tries to get her little sandal velcroed back so she could go play.

And right now as I type this, my ankles are so swollen that I can barely flex my feet. It's painful, and frustrating, and I'm ready to be done with this.

It's Gettin' All Serious Up in Here

I pledge to tell the truth - the whole, ugly, embarrassing truth, so help me, God.

...

Maybe.

...

Mostly.

...

Let's just see how this honesty thing goes.

At the end of June, I had my yearly physical and blood test. I have to check in with my doctor every month, for six months, for my insurance to pay for bariatric surgery. One of the fun hoops I get to jump through as a possible bariatric surgery candidate. I'm not 100% sure about having the surgery, but I figure I can at least get the doctor visits out of the way, in case I do go with the surgery.

So, after my blood results came back, I learned that my bad cholesterol was too high, the good cholesterol was too low, and my blood sugar was a little elevated. And for the second visit in a row, my blood pressure was high, a problem I've never had before. Doc was concerned. He's giving me three months to make changes and see if I can get my blood pressure back to normal without medication.

I think my body is telling me something.

I think it's telling me, "Hey, lady. We've been holding on now for a long time, but we just can't fight the forces of nature, chemistry, and gravity. The knees are about to give up, permanently. Ankles and hips are also about to rebel into all out war. You gotta do something here. Heart and liver are thinking of joining rebel forces. It's just a matter of time before someone fires the first shot. Call a truce already!"

I think my wardrobe is telling me something.

I have no pants or shorts that fit. I had to make a run to the fat girl section of Wal-Mart to find a pair of capris that I could wear on vacation. Size 26. I've only been a size 26 while pregnant. I've had to revert to wearing my granny panties that have been stuffed into the back of my drawer since the last time I had a baby - 2 years ago. When I tried on the capris in the dressing room, I tried to cry quietly so the Wal-Mart associates wouldn't hear. I think they figured it out anyway.

I think my scale is telling me something.

It's hit an all-time, non-pregnancy high. Yesterday, I stepped on it to see what the damage was now that we're back from vacation. I've gained at least ten pounds. The scale read 294. Only six pounds away from 300. Three hundred pounds. I nearly weigh three hundred pounds. How can I weigh almost three hundred pounds? When did that become okay with me?

I'm at that point where I need to make a choice.

If I keep it up, I'll be well on my way towards looking
like this guy. Daniel Lambert weighed over 700
pounds when he died at 39 years old. If I keep it up,
I'll be lucky to live as long as he did. Time to
make some changes around here.

Either I say "screw it" to trying to lose weight, and just give in. I get fatter and fatter, buy a new wardrobe, and start my morning out with a glass of water and a variety of multi-colored pills to keep my blood pressure and blood sugar down. I live the rest of my life with bloated, swollen feet and knees that constantly ache. I stop getting down on the floor to play with my kids because it hurts too much to try to climb back up. I stop buying shoes with laces because I can't tie them. I start balancing my plate on my belly, because it's too far away if I leave it on the table. I eat, and eat, and eat whatever I want until it kills me.

Or...

I do what I know I need to do.

I follow the WW plan. I track my food. All of it. Every bite. I exercise daily. I don't settle for what tastes good now, but think of how I will FEEL good later. I take pounds of pressure off my knees and joints. I get back into the clothes hanging in my closet. I play with my kids. Really play with them, until I'm breathless, and then play some more. I buy a new wardrobe because all my other clothes are too big. I enjoy my life. I enjoy being thin. I enjoy my health. And I live.

I like that second option so much better.
I think I'm going to go with that.

So, for today, I have chosen option #2.
I walked 2 miles in the pre-dawn hours.
I tracked everything that went into my mouth today, even when I wasn't proud of it.
I stayed within my WW points.
I played with my kids.
I got down on the floor, and back up again, even though it hurt a little bit.
I did what I needed to do to be successful today.

Now just to rinse and repeat until it's a habit.