A State of Mind

The universe is talking to me.

And by the universe, I mean God.

Because the universe doesn't actually talk.  That I know of.  Parts of it do, like you and me who are part of the universe, but in its entirety, it doesn't seem that the universe is actually very articulate.

Unlike yours truly.

So, what I'm starting to hear loud and clear from God and those who He placed in my life, and the circumstances He's brought me to - is that this whole weight loss thing is less physical and more mental than anything else.

Not that if I just wish hard enough this is going to happen.
And not that I won't have to work very hard physically to achieve my goal.
But my hangups, my struggles, my foibles - are all more about what is going on in my head than anything else.

I've been thinking about this the past couple days after some remarks by some friends who have been here and done this.  They've been very encouraging, and have got me thinking about my thinking.  Oooh, metacognition in action.  (Look, I'm a teacher geek!)

So if losing weight is 99% mental, then I have to ask myself if I'm strong enough mentally to do this.  Do I have the mental fortitude that is needed to overcome my weaknesses?

I found an interesting web site that tackles the whole issue of overcoming food cravings and what to do to lose weight.  It's brash, rude, and very in your face.  I love it.  You're welcome to read it, though be warned  that it is strongly worded.

My favorite part of what this guy wrote is at the very end of the page.  It says this:

"So don't whine to me about how hard it is for you. Do you think I will feel bad for you? I won't. You are not special. It is exactly as hard for you as it is for me and EVERYONE else. What's the difference? I have what it takes mentally. Ya know what else? You have it too. You just need to learn to use it."


Sometimes its good for me to have someone be rude and crude in their honesty.  Though I really, really appreciate all of you who take my whining in stride and never make me feel bad about it.  You are very kind to put up with me. 

Fat Girl Thin

Hmm...that sounds like it out to be a band name.  Or a book title.

Today Lily and I went with my younger brother and his adorable family to a kiddie music festival sort of thingy.  It's hard to explain.  It's called Jiggle Jam, and it has kid-centered musicians, as well as local artists, community groups and programs with different tents full of activities for kids to enjoy.  Lily and her cousin, Abby, had a great time.

The very fist tent we went into had a little area for kids to play instruments, and a table full of dress up clothes.  After the kids dressed up, there was a photo booth to take some pics in.  Lily got dressed to the 9's (where did THAT saying come from, anyway?) and we headed in to take some pictures.

They're cute pictures.  If I had the energy, I'd go get them, scan them in, and then paste them onto this blog entry.  But, I don't have that kind of energy.  I'm exhausted.

But, as with all pictures that I see of myself, I can't help but be astounded by how big I am.

I've heard some people say that after they have lost a lot of weight, they have a hard time seeing themselves as thin.  They still think of themselves as fat.

I'm the opposite.  Other than when I physically can't do something because of my size, I usually feel like I'm a thin person, and I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and I see a fat girl looking back at me.

I'm limber, have great balance, and some killer dance moves (thanks to Napoleon Dynamite).  I don't feel like a fat girl.

Usually.

Sometimes, it creeps in though.

When I go to the gym and see other people running on the treadmill and I think I wish I could do that.  Or when I see an ad on TV for a cute, strappy dress and I think I wish I could wear that and look good.  Or when I go to buy shoes and say to myself I wish I didn't have to buy wide width shoes.

I hope there comes a time soon when my outside matches my perception of me on the inside.
Cause I'm a thin girl ready to be set free.

The Easy Way Out

I think I've got a handle on why I've felt so emotionally crappy the past week or so.

Aunt Flo.

She's not a nice aunt.  Oh no.  She's crabby.  Any whiny.  And takes things way too personally.

And she showed up on my doorstep today, though her presence causes somewhat of a hormonal ruckus in my body for at least a week before her arrival.  She's not someone I enjoy having visit, that's for sure.

I don't think I have that many male readers here, but for those who are, I can't help wondering if they're scratching their heads, going, "What the heck is she talking about?!  Who is this Aunt Flo?"  


Ahhh, boys.  What a joy it must be to not have to deal with this every month.  What's that?  Is that a faint gleam of recognition in his eye?  Is he starting to blush and look around to see if anyone is watching?  I think he may have just closed his internet browser on me.  Wuss.


So anyway, back to me....

I'll admit it.  I get whiny.  I know this.  I accept it.  I sometimes embrace it.

And you'll have to forgive me for getting all nasally while I whine, but...

THIS IS HAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRD!

I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOORE!

WHY CAN'T IT BE EASIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIER?!?


Okay.  I'll stop.

But this week I really was wondering about this.
Why can't it be easier?
Why is it so damn hard?

I  did a little research recently on the Lap-Band procedure.
It's starting to look good.
Really good.
And really out of the realm of financial possibility.
Insurance won't touch it.
We don't have the cash to pay for it.
And I don't really want to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for it either.

But, I think I'm at the point that I'd do it if I had the chance.

I know it would be really hard, in a different way.
People who choose the procedure have to give up a lot.
They have to sacrifice food in a way I never have in my life.
And soda.
And ice cream.

But in some ways it seems like it would be easier.
Your choices are made for you.
You can only physically ingest so much food before you're in pain.
Certain foods can not be physically tolerated.

I think if I had a sudden windfall of money, I'd do it.

But that's not likely anytime soon, so I'll have to deal with my whininess in other ways.

I looked up weight loss hypnosis, even.

But I don't think I'm going to go there, be that person.  Not yet anyway.

There is one thing that I found in my search for making this a little easier on myself:
AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.

I realized that my bad attitude is making this whole process harder for me than it has to be.  I've been trudging through the past few months like I'm being dragged through the mud.  Weight loss stopped being fun, and started being work, but it became that way because that's the way I made it for myself.

I lost my joy.
I lost my excitement.
And I've been looking all around me to see where I dropped it, when...
(ready for some cheese???)
IT'S BEEN INSIDE ME THE WHOLE TIME!!

I have to choose to be positive.
I have to choose the words that I will say to myself and play in my head.
I have to decide that this is what I really want to do
that I am 100% committed
that I want this more than anything else
that I am looking forward to it
that I am excited about it
that it is FUN.

Nobody else can lie to me convince me other than me.  (See, that bad attitude tried to pop up again.)

So I may not be able to afford someone to open me up and but a band around my stomach.
And I may not be ready for hypno-therapy.
But I can talk myself into this.
I can say positive things.
I can choose to have a positive outlook.
And I can positively, absolutely, FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT.

The Towel

I've been ready to throw it in.

Give up.

Just.

Quit.

Trying.



But tonight as I held my daughter on my lap I realized that I can't.  Failure is not something I can settle for. If I don't believe in me, how can anyone else?

I've been having a hard time with that this week...believing in myself.  Someone said something to me recently that really hurt me, and let me know that they don't think I can do this.  I let those ignorant remarks derail me, trick me into believing that I don't have the capability to succeed on my own.

And that person is right.

I can't do this on my own.

I need help.

So, I really prayed tonight.  Crying all over, snot and tears flowing in abundance type of crying.  Really down deep, I have screwed up and have been trying to do this on my own, and I'm such an idiot, please God forgive me, help me, guide me, lead me, inspire me, hold me, be with me, teach me, keep me on the right path, type of prayer.

It's been a long time since I've prayed that prayer.

So tonight this is the prayer that I stuck to, "Lord I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

and the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."


And I'm picking up the towel.
It is dirty.
And stained.
But it's not done yet.
There's no need to throw it away.
It can be washed.
Cleansed.
Made whole again.

And given purpose once more.

An Empty Fridge is an Invitation to Sin

Well, it's definitely an invitation to eat out.

A lot.

And I've been fighting against that temptation.

I haven't been able to get to the grocery store for over a week, and my daily ration of highly-processsed, sodium-laden frozen entrees and breakfast muffins have been thoroughly depleted.  (Sounds delectable, doesn't it?)

I am a creature of habit, and I do not do all that well when the fridge is empty.
Morning breakfast usually consists of a Weight Watchers English muffin (4 points), and 1 cup of frozen fruit (1 point) with 3/4 cup Vanilla Weight Watchers yogurt (1 points).

Morning snack is usually a chocolate Vitatop (1 point) and/or a banana (2 points).

Lunch is some sort of entree, either Weight Watchers (I really should start buying stock in this company), Healthy Choice, or Lean Cuisine (somewhere between 4 - 7 points), then some frozen Just for One veggies (1 point), and something chocolatey such as a pudding snack or a Vitabrownie (1 point).

That's breakfast and lunch, and you can see that I rely very heavily on frozen foods.  Because I rarely cook dinner for myself anymore, I don't usually have leftovers to bring for my lunches.  (Leftover soggy Cheerios and popcorn really aren't that great.)

So today when I no longer had ANY of those frozen goods populating my fridge, I was a little amiss about what to do.

Should I stop by Sonic?
McDonald's?
Burger King?

I decided to go to the store.

I dropped Lily at the babysitters and made a mad dash to Hy-Vee (their organic section is pretty rocking, and that's where I get my Vitabrownies and Vitamuffins).

I commandeered the salad bar and loaded up 2 containers, one salad, one fruit, for lunch and breakfast, and picked up a few other things to keep my tummy happy.

And I felt proud of myself for having made that decision.
Sonic is convenient.
And yummy.
But also fat and calorie-laden.

So yea for me for just saying no to fast food, and saying yes to good healthy food instead.

Enough is Enough!

One of my biggest obstacles in the whole weight loss thing, is knowing, and accepting when enough is enough and I need to back away slowly from the table....or maybe not so slowly....maybe a quick sprint, a hurried job, or an Olympic dash away from the table would be better.

Tonight Koichi grilled some burgers and fresh veggies.
I grew up on burgers.
I think there was a time when we had burgers 3 times a week.
Or hotdogs.
Or steaks.
Or whatever meat could be cooked to nice, crispy charcoal consistency.

So, I love, love, LOVE pretty much anything off the grill.

We have decided that Monday nights, the only night that Koichi and I are actually able to eat dinner together, are either date nights, or grillin' and chillin' nights.

Tonight was grillin' and chillin.
With onion and ranch burgers.
(Mix your ground beef up with some minced onions, egg, and panko, and add some ranch dressing powder to the mix.  Yummy!)

I was so hungry when I got home.
I wanted to eat a horse.
Which I've actually done in the past.
Not an entire horse, mind you, but part of one.
It's a delicacy in Japan.
Raw.
Horse.

(I had to cook mine, just so you know.  As if that makes it better some how.)

(Quick giving me that look.  It's not like I ate Mr. Ed.)

(Stop judging me.)

So, back to me being hungry.

I got home.
Thawed out a couple Sandwich Thins (very yummy; if you've never had them, they're awesome...only 1 point!)
Microwaved up a cup of 1 point soup.
Threw slices of fat free cheese on a couple burgers.
Opened up a new bottle of Bar B Que sauce.

And promptly wolfed down 1 1/2 burgers.

I did force myself to partake of some veggies and finish my soup before I started the second burger, but it was still hard to slow down.  I was really hungry.  And I just really, really love the taste of BBQ burger.

As I was chowing down through the second burger, there was a moment where I had to pause...
for a breath...
And I felt these words form in my head:  "Don't worry about slowing down.  You can have a third burger.  It's okay."

And then a rebuttal:  "You need to slow down.  You're not even that hungry anymore.  If you would breathe between bites, you would see that.  Two hamburgers is plenty.  At least take a little break before you decide."

I listened to the voices in my head.
I carefully weighed what each voice had to say.
I even put half of my burger down to pause deep in thought...
before I made my decision.

I decided to take some more veggies before I polished off burger #2.
And after I ate them, I drank some more Crystal Light.
I looked at my half burger sitting on my plate.
I looked at the 6 extra burgers beckoning to me.

I think I spent about 5 minutes looking back and forth.
"Will this be enough?"
"If I eat another burger am I going to burst?"
"What if a third burger leads to a fourth?"
"But, I still feel hungry....don't I?"

I decided to finish burger #2.
It was yummy.
Drenched in BBQ sauce.

And then I decided to take a shower, and if I still really wanted a burger, I could have one, after I went to all the trouble of dragging the out of the fridge, heating one up, and trying not to look like a glutton in front of my husband.

Needless to say...
(Why does anyone say that?  If it was really needless, then the conversation would stop right there.  Obviously there is a need to say it, or else we wouldn't go on....just a random observation.)

Suffice it to say...
(That sounds better, I think.)
I did not eat a third burger.

Wow, I bet you're thinking.  That's a really long and somewhat incoherent post about whether or not to eat three hamburgers.  And yes, gentle reader, you are right.

But this is my struggle.

To eat or not to eat: thirds.

I've been doing pretty well the past few days.  I'm trying to train my brain to listen to my body and to respond in a healthy way.  I'm trying very hard to be mindful of when I am full, and to (gasp!) STOP EATING!

Skinny people who have forever been skinny don't understand this.
But I don't understand them either, so it's okay.

But for me, eating is obviously much more than adding fuel to my body.  Stopping is difficult, and sometimes nearly impossible.  I don't know exactly why this is.  Why do I need to eat an excess of food, until I am physically in pain before I will stop?  I don't know the answer to that.  If I knew that, then maybe I could get over this part of gluttony and move on.

But, for now I remain ignorant.
An eating ignoramus.
So I'll take it baby step by baby step, until I figure out how to be happy and satisfied with normal, healthy portions.

Saved by my own lethargy...

Tonight I wanted pizza.

Not just any pizza.

Papa Murphey's wasn't going to cut it.  Too fresh.  Too healthy.

I wanted greasy.  I wanted fried.

I wanted a double pepperoni, pan pizza from THE HUT.

With cheezy breadsticks.  Half order...who am I kidding?  I wanted a full order of those too.


I had the phone in my hand.

The crazy little jingle was running through my head.  (Those of you that live in the KC area know what I'm talking about, right?  "Dial 648-8888...648-8888...648-8888 for Pizza Huuuuuuut de-li-ver-y!"  to the tune of the William Tell Overture.  That's a classic song that I'll never be able to get out of my head, no matter how hard I try.)

I even dialed the number...along with the area code.  I just had to press "Talk."
I was so close!
But....I was at an impasse.

Not about my health.
I wasn't thinking, "Oh, I really want this, I know it will taste so good...but I also know it's really bad for me and I might as well inject lard directly into my arteries."

Nope.  It wasn't that at all.

It was far less noble than lard-injected arteries causing me to pause.

The real problem:
Delivery?     Or pick up?


Delivery would be easier.  I really want them to deliver.


But what if one personal pan pizza and a small order of cheezy sticks won't cost enough for them to deliver?  I can't order a small pizza, or a large order of cheese sticks.  That's just way over the top.  I won't be able to finish them, and then I'll have the dilemma of leftovers in the fridge tomorrow morning, or throwing them away tonight.  I know I won't be able to say "no" to tomorrow morning at breakfast, and on the other hand I don't think is humanly possible for me actually throw pizza into the trashcan unless brainwashing is involved.


On the other hand...I could go pick it up.


But I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired.  And I'd have to get Lily in the car seat.  And then I'd have to take her out and what if we had to wait, and then she'd be running all over the place, and I'd have to actually be a parent.  I'm not ready for all this.  I don't want to pick it up.  I wonder if they'd deliver it to my car in the parking lot?  


So, after that great mental debate, I decided to do neither.


Instead, I ate the rest of the turkey pepperoni slices in the meat drawer of the fridge, 2 WW string cheese sticks, and some crackers.  That was my version of thin crust pepperoni pizza.

Sad....but about 1500 less calories than I could have gone tonight.
So, I'm going to score this as a point for me.  A point for me. being. lazy.


Boy, think of the damage I could have done if I had really been motivated. 

My Own Worst Enemy

Today's Weight Watcher topic was on how to deal with people, friends, family who are not supportive of those of us who are trying our darndest to lose weight.  The food pushers, the food police, the eating buddies....yeah, we have clever names for all of them.

Food pushers are not unlike drug dealers.
"Hey, man.  Come here...I got sumthin' for ya.  Oh yeah, it's gonna make you feel real good all up inside."

"What's that you got?"

"It's a Twinkie man, a Twinkie!  You gotta try one.  It's even fried, man.  You ain't never tasted nuthin' like it."

"No thanks, man.  I'm off that stuff now.  I dun quit that habit."

"Just a bite, man!  Just a bite!  I got it just for you.  Totally free.  Won't cost you nuthin'!"

"Well....I don't know.  I don't want to get addicted again.  I just got over shakes last week."

"These are clean, man.  They clean.  Just take a bite.  You won't regret it.  I promise."

"Alright....just a little bite.  And then I'm walking away, man!  I'm walking away!"

"Your call, dude.  Here's the stuff.  You gonna thank me later."


Yeah, that's a food pusher.

I haven't actually ever met a food pusher that talks like that.
But in my mind, they do.

I'm quite lucky though, because I don't really have any food pushers, food police, or even any eating buddies in my life.  My family and friends are all really supportive of me doing Weight Watchers.

I don't really have anyone making this process difficult for me.

Except me.

I am my own worst enemy.

Not unlike Anakin Skywalker.

Or Judy Garland.

Or cookie monster.

It's a toss-up.


I still have some mental hang-ups about food.
I am still making things harder than they need to be.

What is it about food, and eating, that has this hold on me?

I wish I could figure this out.

I think it's just going to take time and some new habit-making techniques though, to break through this.

If I keep doing the right thing: eating healthy food, healthy portions, and exercising regularly, maybe the bad habits will cease to exist.

I sure hope so.


In other news, I weighed in today, and after 3 weeks of pretty much non-existant exercise and several days of eating whatever I wanted, however much I wanted, I gained 4.8 pounds.  I'm up to 253.8, which is where I was in mid-February.

Which brings up another sad point.

I've been so off-track for so long that I've reverted back to my old habit of on-again, off-agin, which leads to very slow weight loss.  In March I felt my commitment level really slipping, and since then I haven't been nearly as dedicated as I need to be to really lose weight.

So, it's time to make some changes.
Time to re-commit to doing this right.
Doing it all the way.
And giving it my full attention.

IT'S GOAL SETTING TIME!!!

Let's see...

By June 30th, I want to be down to at least 243lbs.  That's 10.8 pounds in 6 weeks.  Totally do-able.

So, here I go!

Let's do a last-minute diagnostic check...
Kitchen full of healthy food?  CHECK!
No more excuses to not to go to the gym?  CHECK!
Attitude and sassiness?  CHECK!

I think I'm ready to rock & roll!

14 Days and Counting

14 days.

That's it.

Just 10 plus 4.

And then......FREEDOM!!!

Ahhh...summer vacation.  So close, and yet so far away.

I think I'm more excited about summer than my students are.  No, I know I am.  I don't think my students know how close summer vacation is, actually.  I haven't mentioned it at all.  Most of them didn't even know that field day was this week, because I have kept it secret so they wouldn't be all crazy on me.  Yesterday our principal let everyone know that field day was cancelled because of the rain this week, and my students looked around at each other saying, "We're having field day?"

Yeah, I keep secrets.

I think I'll let them know about the last day of school though....

on the day before the last day of school.


It keeps chaos to a minimum.



So, back to being a secret keeper.  There's some irony in publicly admitting that I keep secrets, but I do.

Here's a secret that no doubt will come up this Saturday at Weight Watchers when I weigh in - I haven't been following the PLAN to the T  very closely  AT ALL for the past 3 weeks.

It all started a few weeks ago when I pulled a muscle in my neck and wasn't able to turn my head.  Well, that turned into daily visits to a very busy chiropractor's office, where I usually sit and wait for an hour before my approximate 4 minutes of adjustments.  I've had to go every day for some intense therapy, and it's eaten directly into my workout time.

I'm a busy person.
I only have so much time allotted for working out.
And when it's gone, it's gone.

So, it was a choice between either not being able to turn my head to the side, or take a few weeks off of working out.  I chose to be able to check my blind spot while driving...not that I always do, which is a totally different conversation all together.  And you know what happens when I stop working out, right.  I also stop following the plan.  I stop caring.  I stop weighing the costs and benefits like I do when I work out.  Because by gosh, if I'm going to get nasty and sweaty, and suffer through the torture of spending 45 excruciating minutes on the elliptical, then by golly, I am not going to throw that time away by eating crap.  However, if I don't go through the pain of working out, then anything goes...into my mouth, that is.

I hear some of you sniggering out there in virtual reality land.
"Why don't you exercise after your visit to the chiropractor?"
"Why don't you get up earlier?"
"Why don't you just make the time?"

The short answer to all of these questions is simple: because I don't want to.

The long answer is that I get terrible headaches after adjustments, but I still have to pick up the munchkin, drive 35 minutes home in rush hour traffic, make dinner for her and me, work on my homework for my online classes, give the munchkin a bath, get the munchkin in bed, and work some more on my homework before I go to bed around 1 am so that I can get up at 6 am and start it all over again the next day.

So no, I didn't exercise.
I took a break.
And, I'm going to be okay with it.

And just so you know, I did work out on the weekends when possible.
When I wasn't staying up for 36 hours straight making sugar cookies for the church bake sale.
Yeah, I was that person last Friday night.  That was insane.  The only people who should be pulling all-nighters are college students and call girls.  And since I wasn't get credit, or getting lai paid, I should have just gone to bed.

But, tonight is not a night to make excuses.
Oh wait, that's all I've been doing so far.

Tonight is not a night to ONLY make excuses.
That's better.

Tonight is a night to celebrate, because I FINALLY WORKED OUT, and I EVEN TRACKED MY POINTS, and there's more!  I STAYED ON PLAN the whole day.

I know, I know.  I'm somewhat shocked myself.

And it's all due to the fact that I didn't have a chiropractor visit tonight.  The three weeks of intense neck popping and back cracking is over, and I won't have to go quite so often starting next week.  So, I took the time I have been sitting in the doc's not-so-comfy waiting room chairs, and took my ever increasing hinder down to the gym with Lily in tow.

Since I knew that I would be working out, I said NO to pizza this afternoon when the class next door had leftovers.  And I tracked all my points for the day.  And, the best part, is that I got to download the next season of HEROES to watch on my iPod.  I couldn't ask for a better gym-going day.