I Fart in Your General Direction!

I bet that got your attention, didn't it?

And it's true.  I fart on occassion.  Oh, you do too, and you know it, so stop looking all shocked.

Now, there are certain high-fiber foods which, when I eat them, create a gastric pressure so intense that I can spend hours, if not the entire day, slowly "releasing pressure."  I try to avoid these foods, if possible, but sometimes I lapse...as I did the other day.

There is a Healthy Choice frozen entree that I loooooooove.  I think it's Mediterranean beans and orzo pasta, or something like that.  It has the aforementioned beans and orzo mixed with dried cranberries, spinach, almonds and cheese.  It's way yummy.  And it has something like 19 grams of fiber.  Woooo hooooooo that's enough fiber to light me up for a good long time.

Then, there are the Fiber One chocolate chip granola bars.  Anything that has "fiber" in its name should definitely be eaten with care in my case.  Just one bar has 9 grams of fiber and can get my juices flowing, if you know what I mean. 

Fun sidebar....
Sometimes I get so hungry before lunch that I grab a Fiber One bar in the morning.  Unfortunately, bathroom breaks are non-existant when you're a teacher, so I start wandering around the classroom while the kids are doing seatwork, and "relieve some pressure" while I'm pretending to check on them.  Mostly I'm trying really hard to fart quietly.

So, the other day I had a Healthy Choice Mediterranean fiber medley and two (YES, TWO!!) Fiber One bars.  I swear, if I could have somehow bottled my butt juice, I could have single-handedly solved the world's energy crisis that day.  By the end of the day, I was in serious pain. 

The problem with having so much gas in one's abdomen is that it doesn't come out all at once.  There is no quick release, and then an Ahhhhhhh! moment.  It's slow, tedious, highly uncomfortable, and most importantly, embarrassing.  Fortunately, I was on my way to the one place that would help my gargantuan gastric conundrum:  the gym.

I don't know why it is, but exercise really helps to....relieve pressure.  Sometimes I feel sorry for the people standing next to me on the elliptical because once you're going all out at 164 cycles per minute at an incline of 10 and a resitance of 8, there's no squeezing your cheeks together to let out a dainty "faaaahhhht."  Oh no, when it comes, there is nothing dainty about it.  I'm talking the Hulk Hogan of farts here.

So I turn my I-Pod up a little, and continue to release all that is pent up within.  And by the time I go home, I'm feeling pretty relieved.


Hey, by the way, you looking for an exercise buddy?