Psych!

I'm trying to get myself psyched up.
I'm giving myself pep talks.
You can do it!
Don't worry about it!
You'll do just fine!
No one's going to notice your ineptitude.


Yeah, those are the words floating around in my head tonight.
I have two major worries bothering me that are keeping me up at 12:40 in the morning - and thus provide fodder for another blog post.  Lucky you.

They are both fears that I'm going to have to face in the next few days.

I'm worried.
I'm apprehensive.
I'm a little moist with perspiration.  (Is that a great visual, or what?)

So here's the what, friends.
Tomorrow morning...make that later on this morning...Koichi, Lily, my parents (God bless 'em) and I are heading out to Colorado Springs for my friend's funeral.  I'm very sad about that, and I know it's going to be a heartbreaking time, but on top of that, I have 2 things that I keep thinking about.

One, the most fitting for a weight-loss blog, is the eating out thing.
Eating at restaurants for every meal requires a measure of discipline and willpower.
And I have neither!!

So that makes me a little worried.

Every time I eat out, it's like I think it's some sort of special occasion, as if I've never had chicken fried steak or covered and smothered mashed potatoes before.  Like I don't get those every time I go to some "Homestyle Restaurant" which is really just code for "over half of our menu is artery-clogging-deep-fat-fried-in-lard-and-served-with-a-side-of-something-batter-dipped-in-sugar-and-also-deep-fat-fried-in-lard-and-smothered-in-two-quarts-of-gravy."

Let's just say that I have a hard time going to a restaurant and being satisfied with a salad (unless it's in a lard-dipped-and-fried tortilla shell of course).

*sigh*

Ok, time to psych myself up...
You can do it!
You CAN make healthy choices even when surrounded by golden-fried deliciousness evil, yucky temptation.
This is NOT a food celebration, it's JUST a meal replacement.
Don't give up what you want long term, for what tastes good short term.


Okay, I think I've fooled convinced myself somewhat.

Let's move onto worry number dos.

This one is less about food, and more about my ineptitude as a human being.
*double sigh*

So here's the deal....I may seem somewhat verbose when it comes to the written word, but that's just because you're easily fooled I have time to think about what I'm writing.

The truth is, in real time, face-to-face, I am not so loquacious.  Nor do I have a handy little dictionary in my hand to tell me what that means when I'm having a real, live conversation.  (It means "talkative" in case you were not an English-major nerd like myself.)

I'm a little afraid of people.
No, wait, that's not quite accurate.
I'm not so much afraid of people as I'm afraid of
*GASP!*
small talk!!!


I'm just not any good at it.
In fact, I'm really, really horrible at keeping a conversation going.
I can give you a 97% guarantee that if you and I have had a real, live conversation in the past, that I have thought to myself at one time or another, "Dear Lord, what do I say next?!" and have had some very real anxiety about trying to think of questions or quippy remarks that will help move the conversation along.

Granted, some people are harder to talk to than others...
Some friends I have are very good at keeping the conversation flowing whether I say anything or not.  My continual eye contact, head nodding, and "mm hmmm" is enough encouragement.

Other people and situations are not quite so easy.
Especially if they're members of the opposite sex.

I nearly dread the moment that cute tech guy comes waltzing in my classroom to do something, because I get all tongue tied.  Why??  Because...
A) He's a guy - and that alone makes me all twitterpated.
B) He's got the job I want to have someday in the future - so I'm constantly walking that line between casual, friendly banter and pump him for as much information as I can possibly get out of him without being offensive, and
C) He's kinda cute.  (Now don't give me that look.  You know what I'm talking about.  That "oh my gosh she's married and talking about another guy being cute -- doesn't she know that's practically adultery -- I never, ever found another human being to be remotely attractive after I got married" holier-than-thou look that you're giving me right now.  Mmm hmmm, that's the look I'm talking about.  Cause you may be in denial, but I know that my hormones didn't disintegrate when I got married and put on my wedding ring, and if they did, well, I lost my wedding ring awhile ago, so I'm powerless to stop it anyway.  So back your judgey little self off, sucka'.  Hey, I feel a little better now.)


Oh, and smart people make me nervous too!
Even one of my best friends makes me nervous to talk to.  No, not that one...the other one.  No, the other, other one.
I'm smart, but I'm not 147 IQ, playing chess blindfolded, know how to conjugate verb tenses in Russian/Latin/Romanian/and Peruvian kind of smart.
In fact, I'll freely admit that I've always been the dumbest of the smart kids.
I just barely kept my standing in upper-academic classes, and I am fully aware of the limitations of my mental acuity.

So, all of that beating around the bush to say that I'm a little nervous about having to make small talk with friends and acquaintances that I haven't seen for the past three and a half years over the next few days.

But as long as there are no cute guys (yeah, yeah, other than my husband *eye roll*) or frighteningly-smart people around, I should be okay.