The Want To

No amount of quippy sayings was able to get me to lose weight.

"It'll never taste as good as thin feels."
"What you do in secret, everyone sees in public."
"Don't stuff your face, face your stuff."

All of these are well and good, but in themselves they  were not motivating enough for me to get off my duff and really try to lose weight.

I needed the WANT TO.

I first learned about the WANT TO when I was in college.  One of my professors was trying to quit smoking.  He knew that smoking was bad for him.  It was probably going to kill him.  It was already interfering in his daily quality of life.  But even though he knew all of these things, experienced first-hand the terrible consequences of smoking a pack a day, he still wasn't able to quit.  He said to my class, "I want to WANT TO quit."  He realized that he didn't really have the WANT TO, and until he had the WANT TO, he wasn't going to be able to do anything substantial.

I don't exactly know where the WANT TO comes from.  I don't know why I seem to have the WANT TO now when I didn't have it for the past 20 years (almost) of attempted dieting.  It's like a switch has been flipped, and instead of making excuses about why I can't do it, the WANT TO is helping me to make the choices I need to make to be successful.

Boy I really hope that I don't end up eating my words later...I hope I cling to the WANT TO like a life preserver, because that's what it is really.  It's helping to save my life.

I can't pinpoint an exact day or precise moment when I found the WANT TO. But, I think I can see how it's been working.  This year began with a desire.  I wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year.  Every year for the past 5 years I've wanted to lose a large amount of weight.  In 2005 it was "50 in '05", then "60 in '06" and "70 in '07" and you get the picture.  It never happened.  But I wanted it too.

So, I had the desire.
I knew that wouldn't last though.  Desire fades.  Quickly.
I needed something else to help motivate me.
So, I decided to blog.

I decided early on to be completely honest with myself and anyone who read this.  I wasn't going to worry about offending someone by mincing words or poo-poohing over my challenges and issues with fiber.  :O)  I did something I've never done before, I told the world how much I weighed.  And lo-and-behold, I survived.  I have yet to have a friend come up to me and say "I can't believe you let yourself get to 272 pounds of chunky monkey fattiness!  Really, Dorian, you ought to be ashamed!"  I might have thought those thoughts to myself, but I have yet to have anyone else come up and say something like that to me. 

So desire + complete and utter honesty = Motivation

At least in my case it equals motivation. 
I want to have good things to say here on my blog.  I want to be able to brag about another week of making awesome food and exercise choices and share with the world how much (more) weight loss I've experienced this week.

I have some other things working in my favor though.  So if you're trying to lose weight or just get healthy, this is what is helping me:

-SUPPORT-  I haven't yet joined Overeater's Annonymous, (though I am considering it), but I do have a very substantial and highly positive support group.  All my Facebook buddies who cheer me on and encouage me through the tough weekly struggles have been worth their weight in gold.  And that's a lot of friends that I'm talking about, so that's a lotta gold. 

-ACCOUNTABILITY- I have a few people who regularly check up on me if I haven't blogged in awhile, and they help me stay honest.  I could try to fake my way with them, but they'd totally catch it and would keep me accountable for my actions, so I don't even bother trying to fool them.  I may be able to rationalize negative behavior to myself, but I can't rationalize it to them, cause they're not going to fall for it.  "I needed the 5th slice of chocolate cake because it was a stressful day" doesn't fool this crowd.

-HONESTY- So yeah, I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can on the blog.  But, I'm also just trying to be honest with myself.  I can be the queen of rationalization when I want to, but I know deep down that doesn't get me anywhere.  So if I know that I can't resist a box of a dozen donuts sitting on the counter, then I don't allow them to be in my house. 

My rationalization starts to say, "Well, that's not fair to your husband.  He doesn't have a problem with weight, and you shouldn't deprive him."  But really, that's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.  What I'm really saying is "I want to eat the donuts and I'm going to pin all the guilt of giving in to my desire on my husband bringing them in the house when he knows that I can't handle them."

I love my husband.  He doesn't have a sugar addiction like I do.  He can handle small portions of chocolate and baked goods.  That's great for him.  But that doesn't mean I have to sit by and suffer while he parades the refined-flour version of crack around the kitchen and in front of me.

It makes me absolutely crazy when I hear people say that they don't want to deprive their loved ones of sweets, deserts, candy, cookies, etc.  If they were honest with themselves, they'd see that it's not about their loved ones, it's about their desire to have the "forbidden foods" and then lay the guilt at someone else's feet. 

Here's what I think....If I were an alcoholic and my husband brought a case of beer and a couple bottles in the house, it wouldn't matter if he could handle it.  I'M THE ADDICT, AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT SO KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME, is what I'd be yelling.  Why, oh, why, do we treat our food addictions like they're anything less serious than alcoholism?  I just don't think it's honest.  In fact, I think it's a cop out; I don't have to feel the pain of blaming myself if I can blame my failure on you instead.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I just get so frustrated when I hear these excuses.  Maybe because they're so close to home.  They're the same ones I used.  And look how much good they did for me: I got up to past 300 pounds.  Thank you excuses for my size 26 stretchy elastic pants!  You did so much for me.  I mean honestly, cummon.  Take some responsibility and be honest with yourself. 

(I do hope you realize that I'm talking to myself here.  If this pertains to you too, well then we should start a club.)

Okayyyyyyy....so I went on a little rant there.  It wasn't intended.  Back to the topic.  What was the topic?  Oh yeah, things that are working for me.  Here's the last one:

-DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES, AND FORGETTING THE COST- Eating healthy is expensive.  It is so much easier to eat cheap crap.  Bag of apples = $3.50.  Box of mac & cheese = $.69.  Box of frozen Vitamuffins for breakfasts = $4.99.  Box of Lil' Debbies = $2.49. 

Exercise is expensive too.  I spend $30 a month for the privilege (yes, I'm say that through gritted teeth) of going to the gym.  DVDs aren't cheap either for those that exercise at home.  My own DVD collection and it's exercise-related accoutrement is probably worth about $200. 

Weight Watchers isn't cheap either.  Another $40 per month, or $12 per week, just to walk in the door, have someone weight me, and listen to a half-hour lecture. 

It's pricey.  It's annoying.  I can think of so many other things I'd like to buy with my monthly $70 payments to 24 Hour Fitness and WW's.  But, they're helping me.  They're giving me opportunity for success and guidance on how to reach success.  And really, I can either pay for weight loss now, or I can pay for the lack of weight loss later. 

Diabetes meds cost a lot.  Bypass heart surgery tends to be very pricey as well.  And catheters, stints, and pacemakers are also not cheap.  Not to mention knee replacements, hospital fees, doctor bills, blood pressure meds, diuretics, and cholesterol pills. 

So, I think maybe if I can prevent some, or all, of that stuff from happening to me by using my $70 per month fees wisely, then I'll come out ahead in the long run.  "I can't afford it" is not an excuse I can use.  I have to either figure out how to afford it now, or I'll have to figure out how to afford all that other stuff later.

So that's the WANT TO.  And where the WANT TO has brought me.  I hope I didn't bore you too badly with my ranting and raving.  If I could help flip your switch from cold to hot, I would.  But I can't do it for you.  You have to WANT TO do it for yourself.