Drawing a Line

Although I know it's in the Bible, and Jesus did it, I'm not sure where the idea of drawing a line in the sand came from.  It doesn't matter. I have a very strong visual...maybe from watching so much TV and movies when I was younger.  I can see very clearly, someone standing on a beach with a wind-weathered stick in his hand.  He pulls the stick through the fine, white sand, and there, the line is drawn, provoking everyone around to make a choice.  Will you cross?  Or stay where you are?

Usually drawing a line in the sand is used to provoke someone, almost saying, "I dare you to cross it!"

Other times, it seems to be a symbol of making a difficult choice, one that will bring difficulty and hardship, but is a good choice and will lead to lasting happiness.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a line being drawn in the sand of my life.  I've been ignoring it.  I don't want to face what it means.  I don't want to have to deal with the choice of staying or crossing the line.  But, the irony is, not dealing - the act of not choosing - is making a choice, whether I like it or not.

I have to choose whether or not I'm going to continue down the path that I've been on for so long - unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, little discipline, lots of excuses....

Or am I going to dare myself to cross the line - take responsibility for my choices, take action, become active, stop making up excuses.

I hate this choice.  I really, really, really hate it.

Let's be honest.  I don't do well with discipline.  I struggle with it in every area of my life.  I don't think there is any single area of my life where I feel like I'm disciplined.  I am constantly struggling with this.

I don't want to be responsible for my choices.  Or, perhaps more accurately, I don't want to face the effects of my choices, and take responsibility for the reality that I've created.

I don't want to take action.  I want to take as little action as possible, and still see amazing results.  I've been waiting for that to happen a long time now.  I'm still waiting.

I don't want to be active.  I have no earthly idea how I can fit activity into my day.  Okay, that's a lie.  Let's get that out in the open.  I do have an idea of how I can fit more activity in my day, I just don't want to do it.  It means getting to bed later, and exercising late at night, or waking up early and exercising way before dawn.  Neither of those choices are ideal, so I don't want to do them.  So, I've been making the choice to do neither, and not get any exercise at all.

That's the truth.

I don't like being fat, but I like being lazy.

What an ugly thing to say about myself, but it's true.

So there's this line.  Being drawn right over there in the sand.  Can you see it?  I can.

I have to make a choice.  Am I going to stay over here on this side, where life is easy in terms of not having to try hard, but living with the awful consequences of being obese...or am I going to cross the line, and go to a place I don't want to be, where I have to try hard, but I get to live with the rewards of my work?

It's a tough decision.  I have the feeling it's similar to the one an alcoholic has to make.  Do you wallow in your own self-pity and think "I'm not worth it, so why bother trying," or or do you tell yourself, "I may not feel worth it, but I'm going to try anyway."

I've been watching myself getting fatter and fatter these last six months, and I'm disgusted with myself.  My clothes aren't fitting right.  I feel frustrated that I don't have anything to wear.  I can't stand to see myself in photographs.  I even feel embarrassed in the shower.

A few days ago, my six-year-old even noticed.
"Mommy, when is your tummy going to be smaller?  I thought it was going to be smaller by now; why is it taking so long?"  Even she seemed frustrated with me.

In the heat of the moment, when I'm faced with temptation, or it has been so long since I've eaten that I'm starting to feel really hungry, it's very difficult for me to remember the cost of popping yet another stray Halloween candy in my mouth.  The pleasure of the moment constantly wins in the battle for my attention, and my resolve flitters away like leaves in the wind when those moments happen.

I need something solid to help me hold onto my determination.  Something big, but not so daunting that I'll feel like I can't accomplish it.

Here's what I'm thinking:
I'm willing to cross the line, and give it a real fighting chance.  I'll do what needs to be done: go to my WW meetings, track points, get in extra exercise - just do the Program.
For a month.  30 days.
That's what I'll commit to giving it.
And while I'm doing it, I'm going to try to commit...no, wait, I can't just TRY here.  It's either make the commitment or don't.  There's no straddling the line in the sand here.  I have to make a choice, so I will commit to journaling every day about my month-long journey to find myself.  Find my courage.  Find my will to be a better me.

I can't make any guarantees here.
My track record isn't so good.  According to history, I'm more likely to fail, than to succeed.
But, I'm willing to cross that line, and do it whole heartedly for one month.
Let's see what happens.

Can I hold your hand, while I cross this line?