Day 1 - The Beginning

So today is Day 1 of my one month challenge to actually stick with Weight Watchers and do the Program, you know, like you're supposed to. 

Here's a little history lesson for you...
I've been a Weight Watcher's member off and on for the past 10 years, ever since I came back to the States from Japan.  The most successful I've ever been was when I was living in Colorado Springs, before I became pregnant.  My lowest weight was 232.2 lbs.  I was a size 18, and 30 years old.  It was 2006.  Since then, I've had two kids, and have watched my weight increase to over 300 lbs with my first pregancy, and nearly that far with my second.  Since 2006, I have not yet been back down to a size 18, or weighing 232 lbs.   I still have the jeans though, that I bought when I finally reached a size 18.  I can remember how excited I was to be down to that size.  I had not been a size 18 since I was 18 years old and


Although I was able to fit into a smaller size of jeans, I was not able to pull off
the full-body denimn look, not like these rock stars, anyway.

left for college.  I wasn't a size 18 for long.  However, I hang on to the jeans, hoping that one day, I'll get back down to that size and that some day those will become my fat pants.

So, I've been a WW member long enough to know how the Plan works.  And evidently, I've been a member long enough to feel like I don't have to do the Plan, and I can make up my own, half-assed alternate version.  My version sucks though.  I wonder why I keep doing it.  I never get reliable results.

I followed the Plan completely today, I'm proud to say.  I tracked.  I ate within my Weight Watcher's points, even when it was hard, and on top of that, I got an hour of exercise by walking 3 miles around the park this morning. 

This morning I woke up bright and early at the crack of dawn 7:30 to get to my Weight Watchers meeting.  Since I barely tried to stay on Plan this last week, I knew I was probably in for a gain.  I didn't want to weigh-in, and wanted to take a "no weigh-in pass," but I didn't.  I hated facing the scale, but I know that just because I don't want to face up to what I did to my body this week, doesn't make the results of my actions any less real.  I can try covering my eyes, but that doesn't negate the fact that I was not kind to my body - that I scarfed down two donuts yesterday in addition to a brakfast sandwich - and that I had probably gained weight.  So, I faced the scale, even though it was hard, and watched the numbers show that I indeed, did have a gain.  .4 pounds.  Not nearly as bad I as expected, certainly not as bad as I deserved.

So, starting with today, I'm up to 274.6 lbs.  I've gained back a little more than 20 pounds since June, when I was bouncing around 250 - 255. 

I thought long and hard about whether or not to share my weight on here.  I've shared my weight in the past, but it felt harder this time, to own up to where I'm at.  I have to remind myself that it's just a number, and if you're reading this, then you're most likely someone I know personally, and I'm not too worried about you being judgy-judgy.  Shocked and appalled at first, but hopefully not judgy-judgy.  Besides, it's not like you're suddenly going to say, "Oh my gosh, 274.6! She's fat!"  Like you didn't know I was already fat to begin with.  It's not like I can hide it. 

The other day I was wearing an outfit, and as I was walking up the stairs the thought, "I wonder if this outfit makes me look fat" flitted across my mind.  It was quickly followed by the thought, "Umm, no, the fact that you are fat, makes you look fat.  The outfit is just a bonus.  Don't blame it."  So, I know that sharing the number on the scale is not likely to change anyone's perception of me.  I'm still awesome, just fat and awesome.