Day 5: Fat Girl in a Skinny World

Day # 5 is nearly done. I'm done eating anyway, so the day might as well be over. That's how my sick little brain works. I measure time in increments of when I get to eat my next meal.  It's not just evening now, it's 10 long, agonizing hours until breakfast.

Today I got a reminder that I'm a fat girl in a skinny world. I spent the day at a workshop with some work colleagues, and all four of them, lovely ladies that they are, are thin, beautiful people that live their lives in a skinny world full of clothes sizes that are in the single digits.  I am in the skinny world, but not of the skinny world.

I try very hard not to dislike people based on what they look like -- after all, I don't want someone judging me because I'm fat. Do you remember those commercials where the girl says, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful?" I always felt like saying "Too late!" every time they came on.

I don't really hate thin, beautiful people. I think, though, that I often feel intimidated by them. And I'm certainly jealous of them. But, for the most part, I don't dislike them just because they're thin. For the most part.

So I found myself today surrounded by thin people, and I didn't think too much of it until we  went to lunch. All five of us squeezed into a little four-door car. Of course, being the largest in the group, I got to sit in front seat.  Fat girls automatically get to call shot gun.  I'm sure they didn't think anything of it.  I, however, could think of nothing else.  A song from my Sesame Street days kept running through my head, "One of these things is not like the others. One of these things does not belong!"

When lunch was over, the same song ran through my head as I looked around the table and saw that my plate was the only one that was completely devoid of food.  Everyone else had the ability to stop eating when full or satisfied.  I, however, am a card holding member of the clean plate club. Dues are collected at the end of every meal. I've been cleaning my plate all these years, and now I don't know how not too finish everything on my plate. Think of all those starving kids in China! If I didn't clean my plate for them, it would be...well, I'm not not sure what it would be. It's not like I'm wrapping up any leftovers to send to them.  What point were my parents trying to make, anyway, when they drilled this into my head as a child?

It's unbelievable how much I think about myself, isn't it?  I feel pretty narcissistic, writing this blog about me in the first place.  Now you know that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about myself and comparing myself to everyone around me.  I'm sure you never do that, do you?

Okay, so here is the daily breakdown of food for the day. It wasn't pretty.  Tasty, but not pretty.

Breakfast:  Jimmy Dean breakfast sammich, 6 pts.
Snack: Nuts, 3 pts. String cheese, 1pt. Grapes, 0pts.
Lunch: Dox XX Fish Tacos (from On the Border) 37 points.  YIKES!!!  I had no idea they were so much until I got home.  And this is the lunch version.  How incredibly bad for you is the dinner portion?  I don't even want to know!
Snack: Choco-covered pretzels, 3 pts.  Cobblestone pastry from Panera (I know, I totally caved!) 17 pts.  Again, YIKES! 
Dinner: 1 cup rice and 1 cup stir fry veggies w/steak: 10 pts.
Desert: WW giant fudge bar, 3 pts.

Okay, so my total points that I'm supposed to eat every day is 42 points.  Today, I consumed 80 points.  Damn fish tacos!  I'll be swimming away from them next time, that's for sure.

I ate up all my extra points, as well as the activity points that I earned this week, and I'm now one point in the hole.  If I exercise and gain some activity points, I'll be fine.  And, it's quite possible that I'll be fine anyway, and still lose weight this week.  I just would rather I know that I ate within my points and didn't go over.  Two more days, and then we'll see the difference tracking, weighing and measuring made this week.  I hope its made a difference.  I'll be totally bummed if it didn't.  Thank goodness today was my last day of eating out this week.  I don't think I could last through another meal out.

I struggle so much with eating out.  Not just with cleaning my plate entirely, but also with just making wise choices while I'm eating out.  It always feels like a celebration when I eat out.  I'm not sure why that is.  One of my weight watchers leaders used to say that you need to think of it as a meal replacement.  If you're eating out simply to replace a meal that you would have otherwise made at home, then you treat it like that.  If it's not a celebration, then there's no reason for an appetizer or a desert.  And, there's no reason for choosing the cheesiest, butter-ridden, deep fried item on the menu, either.  I'm not there yet, though.  Every time I eat out, it feels like a celebration.  I also need to do a better job of choosing what I'll order before I even arrive at the restaurant. 

Tonight I found myself at Panera's to do some work, and I ordered a pastry, not knowing how many points it would cost me.  17!  It was tasty, but I doubt I would have spent the 17 points for it, if I knew how much it would cost me.  Someday, I hope to be able to go into a restaurant and be satisfied with ordering a salad or grilled fish.  Not today, though. Not today.