Limits

I suffer from an odd sort of dichotomy.

On one hand, I have what I call I-can-do-that-itus, where I see something someone has done and think "I can do that!"  (hence the name of this very serious, and sometimes debilitating, illness).

Maybe it's something crafty, like making cards and scrapbooks.
Or baking, like making gourmet sugar cookies.
Or like right now, where it's writing a novel.

I figure if other people have done it, then I must be able to do it, too.  Can't be all that hard, right?
This condition, I-can-do-that-itus, has allowed me to experience things other people haven't, and probably wouldn't even try.

Learn a new language?  I can do that!
Live in a foreign country for a few years?  I can do that!
Start a couple part-time businesses in my ever-shrinking spare time?  I can do that!
Get up early everyday to write a novel?  I can do that!
Sometimes it seems like there's no limit to what I will at least attempt to do.


Lose weight and become the healthy and thin person I want to be?  I can....do that?


It's funny how I can be so confident on one hand, but be so insecure on the other.

And it's not just with losing weight.  There are certain things about being the fat girl that constantly keep me feeling limited in what I think I can do.

For example...

I never wear sleeveless shirts outside of the house, because I feel embarrassed about how my upper arms look.

I would never EVER wear a tucked in shirt.  Or even a shortish shirt.  All shirts must cover the belly rolls.

Horizontal stripes are of the devil, and I would never think of wearing them.

So, too, are swimsuits without a little skirt to hide my thigh fat.

Even some colors, patterns, and clothing styles are off limits because I'm afraid they'll draw too much attention to myself.  (Koichi noticed this right away when we got married.  He asked why my wardrobe was so "dark" and consisted mostly of shades of black and dark blue.  I've gotten a little looser about this over the past 9 years, but not all that much.)


How odd.  It seems like I'm saying, "Hey guys, look at me!" and then following up with "But don't look too hard, because I'm afraid of what you'll see."  Weird.

All of this came to mind today while I was at the pool with Lily.  While she was jumping around and diving in the water, I was mesmerized with a little people watching.  Not only do I put limits on myself, but I guess I put limits on what I consider "acceptable" from other people as well.

I noticed I was thinking things like Wow, that swimsuit is super cute!  on someone who was skinny, but then thinking Girl, that is way too much skin and too little fabric! on someone who wasn't so thin.  I started to feel judgy judgy after awhile, and realized that I was forcing my limits, my ideas on what was acceptable and not, on people I didn't even know.

So I stopped.
I told myself to stop being so judgy, and to stop limiting people to my ideals, because really, who am I to judge anyone.

Now, I see that I have some work cut out for me, trying to stop judging and limiting myself.
I hope as I continue to lose weight and be more healthy, I'll start to really believe in myself, and not limit myself so much.

However, I must say that bikinis really should not be available in a size 18.
Oh, bad Dorian!  Stop that!!