I'll Huff and I'll Puff and I'll Keel Over From Exhaustion

I did it.

You won't believe me, but I did it.

I hardly believe it myself and I was there.

I [gasp!] ran.

Yes, yes I did.

I bought the shoes.
I bought the neat little iTouch arm band.
I bought a new inhaler.
And I did it.

I waited until the dark of night.
When no one was at the park.
(I for sure wasn't about to try this at the gym!)
And I ran.
Well, first I walked for 5 minutes.
Just to warm up.
And then I walked 2 more minutes.
To get my courage up.
And then I ran.
Thirty glorious seconds of pulse-pounding, heart-pumping, sweat-inducing, blubber-blowing greatness.

And then I walked again.

But I kept it up.
Thirty seconds of running followed by one-and-a-half minutes of fast-paced walking.
Ten times.
Two miles.
Thirty minutes.

I DID IT!!!

I'm still somewhat in shock.

I didn't think I'd actually do it, but for some reason today felt like it was going to be the day.
As I drove home this evening, I noticed that no one was at the park by my house, and this park has a fabulous asphalt trail that is exactly 1 mile around.

I got to the shoe store and I found the perfect pair of Nike's right in front, calling my name.  "Dorian!  Buy me!  Try me!  We'll fit your fat wide-width feet, we promise!"

I got back to the park and almost chickened out when I realized that the neat "Couch to 5K" podcast I'd wanted to put on my iPod hadn't transferred for some reason.  But then, I decided to just use the stopwatch tool to time myself.  (Kudos to my buddy Nicole for pointing this cool "Couch to 5K" site to me!  You rock, sister!) 

And then I began.
The first 30 seconds of running wasn't so bad.
The second was....harder.
The third was....excruciating.
The forth was....pathetic.
The fifth was somewhat easier.
The sixth was do-able.
The seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth came straight from the 9th level of Hell in Dante's Inferno.

But I made it.  And I lived to tell the tale.

Luckily, there were very few people at the park.  Mostly a few straggling families getting ready to leave.  A couple late joggers.  Several deer that kept staring at me.  I kept wondering what they were thinking.  The people, not the deer.  Though, that might be interesting to know, too.

There was one point where I'd been lapped by a jogger, but that was okay because I was in the middle of the walking portion.  But then he turned around and came back the other way.  "Hey buddy," I thought to myself, "Don't you know that this track only goes counter-clockwise?  Read the signs!"  But what I really was worried about, was that my minute and 30 seconds of walking was almost up and I was about to start jogging, and I was going to be jogging past him.

I didn't want to jog past him.

What's he going to think of this big, ol' blubberous girl attempting to run?  Is he going to be laughing internally?  Is he going to make a face at me?  Is he going to say something?

I almost didn't start jogging.  I almost just kept waking until I got past him.

But then I thought, What the hell...I don't know this guy.  I'll probably never see him again in my life, and if I do, I won't remember him.  So quit yer excuses and get your butt in gear.  And I did.  I ran (well, what could possibly be considered passing for running) right past him, looked him square in the eye, and smiled.  He smiled back.

It wasn't so bad.

I never want to do it again, though.

But, I will.  Soon.

I'm trying hard to get over my worries about what other people are thinking about me.  I was so glad no one was at the park, because what if people actually saw me trying to run?!?!  I can't help but wonder if people are judging me when they see me exercise.  Are they thinking, "Whoa, look at that fat cow!" or "Dang! Get that booty on a StairMaster, quick!"  Or are they thinking, "Oh, look at that....isn't she pathetic?"  or "She really doesn't belong out here with us REAL athletes." 

I wondered tonight as I was pondering these things, if I'm really worried that other people are judging me with these thoughts, of if in actuality, I'm judging myself and maybe I really think there is veracity to their imagined condemnation.  I think maybe it's me who is being judgmental, not other people.  And I think maybe I need to stop worrying about what I perceive other people are thinking about me, and worry more about being more forgiving of myself and just doing what I need to do.

So, even though my blubber was blowing in the breeze (ahhh, you gotta love that alliteration!) I will again put on my jogging shoes in a few days and give this another try.