Drawing a Line

Although I know it's in the Bible, and Jesus did it, I'm not sure where the idea of drawing a line in the sand came from.  It doesn't matter. I have a very strong visual...maybe from watching so much TV and movies when I was younger.  I can see very clearly, someone standing on a beach with a wind-weathered stick in his hand.  He pulls the stick through the fine, white sand, and there, the line is drawn, provoking everyone around to make a choice.  Will you cross?  Or stay where you are?

Usually drawing a line in the sand is used to provoke someone, almost saying, "I dare you to cross it!"

Other times, it seems to be a symbol of making a difficult choice, one that will bring difficulty and hardship, but is a good choice and will lead to lasting happiness.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a line being drawn in the sand of my life.  I've been ignoring it.  I don't want to face what it means.  I don't want to have to deal with the choice of staying or crossing the line.  But, the irony is, not dealing - the act of not choosing - is making a choice, whether I like it or not.

I have to choose whether or not I'm going to continue down the path that I've been on for so long - unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, little discipline, lots of excuses....

Or am I going to dare myself to cross the line - take responsibility for my choices, take action, become active, stop making up excuses.

I hate this choice.  I really, really, really hate it.

Let's be honest.  I don't do well with discipline.  I struggle with it in every area of my life.  I don't think there is any single area of my life where I feel like I'm disciplined.  I am constantly struggling with this.

I don't want to be responsible for my choices.  Or, perhaps more accurately, I don't want to face the effects of my choices, and take responsibility for the reality that I've created.

I don't want to take action.  I want to take as little action as possible, and still see amazing results.  I've been waiting for that to happen a long time now.  I'm still waiting.

I don't want to be active.  I have no earthly idea how I can fit activity into my day.  Okay, that's a lie.  Let's get that out in the open.  I do have an idea of how I can fit more activity in my day, I just don't want to do it.  It means getting to bed later, and exercising late at night, or waking up early and exercising way before dawn.  Neither of those choices are ideal, so I don't want to do them.  So, I've been making the choice to do neither, and not get any exercise at all.

That's the truth.

I don't like being fat, but I like being lazy.

What an ugly thing to say about myself, but it's true.

So there's this line.  Being drawn right over there in the sand.  Can you see it?  I can.

I have to make a choice.  Am I going to stay over here on this side, where life is easy in terms of not having to try hard, but living with the awful consequences of being obese...or am I going to cross the line, and go to a place I don't want to be, where I have to try hard, but I get to live with the rewards of my work?

It's a tough decision.  I have the feeling it's similar to the one an alcoholic has to make.  Do you wallow in your own self-pity and think "I'm not worth it, so why bother trying," or or do you tell yourself, "I may not feel worth it, but I'm going to try anyway."

I've been watching myself getting fatter and fatter these last six months, and I'm disgusted with myself.  My clothes aren't fitting right.  I feel frustrated that I don't have anything to wear.  I can't stand to see myself in photographs.  I even feel embarrassed in the shower.

A few days ago, my six-year-old even noticed.
"Mommy, when is your tummy going to be smaller?  I thought it was going to be smaller by now; why is it taking so long?"  Even she seemed frustrated with me.

In the heat of the moment, when I'm faced with temptation, or it has been so long since I've eaten that I'm starting to feel really hungry, it's very difficult for me to remember the cost of popping yet another stray Halloween candy in my mouth.  The pleasure of the moment constantly wins in the battle for my attention, and my resolve flitters away like leaves in the wind when those moments happen.

I need something solid to help me hold onto my determination.  Something big, but not so daunting that I'll feel like I can't accomplish it.

Here's what I'm thinking:
I'm willing to cross the line, and give it a real fighting chance.  I'll do what needs to be done: go to my WW meetings, track points, get in extra exercise - just do the Program.
For a month.  30 days.
That's what I'll commit to giving it.
And while I'm doing it, I'm going to try to commit...no, wait, I can't just TRY here.  It's either make the commitment or don't.  There's no straddling the line in the sand here.  I have to make a choice, so I will commit to journaling every day about my month-long journey to find myself.  Find my courage.  Find my will to be a better me.

I can't make any guarantees here.
My track record isn't so good.  According to history, I'm more likely to fail, than to succeed.
But, I'm willing to cross that line, and do it whole heartedly for one month.
Let's see what happens.

Can I hold your hand, while I cross this line?

Gluttony Comes With a Sneeze Guard

Although there are many temptations which can easily derail me, there is none quite as effective as the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.

It is kryptonite to my superman strength of willpower.
Well, that may be overstating my willpower.
It's more like a catnap attack on a Saturday afternoon.  I can try and try to resist its urge, but eventually, I will succumb to its siren call.

I know there are others out there who have the ability to go to a buffet and leave with their pants securely fastened and their dignity in check.
I am not one of those persons.
Actually, I've never met any of those said persons.
Perhaps they're mythical.
Maybe they're elves.  Elves are skinny, at least Middle Earth a-la Tolkien elves are.
I can't see an elf going to buffet, though.

Can you imagine Legolas heaping up a plate of beef and broccoli, lo mein noodles, and General Tso's Chicken?  And then, trying to get an egg roll and crab rangoon to sit on top and not topple over while he fills a soup bowl full of that jelly-like, unnaturally red, sweet-and-sour sauce?  I bet Legolas wouldn't even flinch.  He'd be able to hold his plate, the soup bowl of sauce, AND a bowl of actual soup - probably egg drop with a bunch of those fried crunchy things thrown in, as well. And he'd use chopsticks.  Correctly.

I digress.

I always seem to come up with some sort of excuse as to why I need to treat a visit to the buffet like my very last meal on earth.

If it's a pricy buffet, well, then I'm going to eat as much as I can so I can "get my money's worth."

If it's a cheap buffet, then, I'm going to eat as much as I can so I can "make the most of it."

And if it's priced somewhere in the middle, well then I'm going to eat as much as I can because "look at all the choices!" or "It's only once in awhile!" or my personal favorite, "I don't eat like this all the time!"

Thank goodness I don't eat at buffets very often.  I'm already running out of pants that fit.

It's a shame though, that I can't seem to control myself.  Anyone with kids can recognize the allure of a buffet for appeasing all the picky eaters in the family.  Plus there's the added benefit of time convenience.  The one-year-old won't likely wait at a "sit-down" restaurant for 20 minutes for us to be seated, plus another 10 to order our food, and another 20 minutes to wait for it to be brought to our table.  But, she'll happily walk through a line in the buffet and wait patiently at the table for 2 minutes while mommy goes and fills her plate with slightly gelatinous fare that's been congealing under warmer lights for far too long.

The other day I was feeling so proud of myself.  I'd eaten more than my daily Points Plus value, but I had tracked everything, and I had extra Weekly Points to spend as well.  I was doing good.  I'd even tracked a double cheeseburger and fries, which normally I wouldn't even bother writing down.

The next day, however, found us in the land of All-You-Can-Eat pizza bliss at Pizza Ranch.  After a day of fun at the pumpkin patch, we were tired, hungry, and very grouchy.  And that was just me!  The kids were even more so.  Pizza Ranch to the rescue!  Or, not so much.

It's never good when you have unbutton your pants on the ride home from a restaurant.  Nope, never good, indeed.  I bet Legolas never has to unbutton his pants after eating at buffet.

Um, hello?

Hi there.  I think.

I'm not sure if there's anyone out there, or not.

Are those crickets I hear chirping?

Sure is quiet in here.  Oh yeah, perhaps because it's because I stopped writing for several months.

Well, since it's just me in here now, I think I'll go ahead and take this moment to talk to myself.  Out loud.  On a computer.  Which, when written in an equation looks like this:

Talking out loud + Computer = Dementia Blogging

So, I went through this very interesting period of being very entrepreneurial ... is that even a word?  It is now.  And in my entrepreneurial phase I had decided to try and monetize my blogging efforts, start a podcast, and build a brand.  All good things.  For someone who knows the meaning of consistency, that is.  I have never been very good at consistency, so trying to do anything for more than a two week span, rarely ever happens.

I decided my weight loss hobby was just too expensive, so I cut my losses, and now that I have an itch to write again, I'm back here.

Okay, time to confess.  I'm good at confessing, to myself, alone in the dark, empty blogosphere, anyway.

Confession #1: I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I have so many things I want to do.  Dab-nabed adult onset ADD!  I swear that's what I have.

Confession #2: I seem to be an All or Nothing type of person.  I'm not sure this is how I want to define myself, but I'm not sure how to change this.  Maybe adding in some of that Consistency stuff that other people seem to have.  I wonder if I can get that at Target?

Confession #3: I weigh more now than I did a year ago.  I think.  I could check that.  I should check that.  Wait just a second while I go check that.

.....Just a minute.

.....It's loading.

.....It's done!

Crap.  I was right.  I've gained about 20 pounds since last year.  All in the space of about 4 months.


Confession #4: I have a hard time believing in myself.  There are certain things I want to do with my life (like be a real-life, professional, New York Times best-selling novelist all while traveling the globe and being so wealthy that I am financially independent...oh yeah, and have a smokin' hot body, too!), but I have a hard time believing that I have the ability to reach my dreams.  I don't think I have what it takes to be truly successful.

I've caught myself several times this week saying to myself, "Why bother trying?  You're just going to fail, anyway."  I know this self-defeating attitude is not the least bit helpful, and is probably a way of giving myself an excuse to not try.  I realize this.  I'm not sure what to do to stop it, though.

I even tried turning to Google for an answer to my problem.
Evidently, a lot of people search for "What to do when you don't believe in yourself."
Unfortunately, not a lot of people seem to have a good answer.

I'm still not sure what to do.  It's been a particularly hard past couple of weeks of looking inward and not liking who I see.  I don't like this overabundance of self-doubt.

But, I think that at least trying to verbalize it, think about it, and look for ways to get past it are all good things.  At least I'm not wallowing in it.  If anyone knows how to wallow, it's me.  I am a world-class wallower.

But, I'd much rather wallow in how awesome I am, rather than how disappointed I am in myself.

Confession #5:  I have no jeans that fit anymore.  I gave away all my too-big jeans when we moved and now my jeans that fit a couple of months ago are seriously too tight.  I'd have to stand up all day, and I'd still not be able to take a deep breath.  This is a critical moment.  I live for jeans days at work, and now I'm finally in a place where I get them every Friday.  EVERY Friday, people!  And I haven't been able to enjoy them because I have no jeans that fit.

Time to do something about that.

I'm MOOOOOVIN' OVER, BESSIE!

I'm moving over to a new site!  I've finally taken the plunge to a self-hosted, WordPress blog, with my own domain, so I won't be adding posts to this site any longer.

Instead, you join all the hilarity and exercise-induced angst over at www.FatGirlDancing.com

Great URL, right?  Yeah, I know.

Getting off the Holiday Weight

I've finally done it.  I have officially gotten off all the extra weight I put on over the holidays, and have kept it off for a couple of weeks now.  Woo hoo!  Take that, all you second helpings of pumpkin pie!

I tried not to let myself get in the mindset that I wasn't going to count points over the holidays and just let go of all my good intentions.  I tried to stay true to the program.  And for the most part, I did.  I made it through both Halloween and Thanksgiving without gaining.  But Christmas, then Christmas part deux (you know, the next day when you eat all the leftovers) and then New Years all ganged up on me.  And they brought Chex Mix.  Yummy, yummy Chex Mix.  I can sometimes pass up cookies, pie and cake, but Chex Mix will get me EVERY time.  Damn you, Chex Mix.  Damn you.

So, all the damage has officially been undone, and I'm well into "virgin fat" territory now (well, "virgin fat" for this round of Weight Watchers at least).  I've lost about 45 pounds since the day I gave birth to baby Elsy.  I'm so glad to be 45 pounds lighter than I was when I started this journey, but I'm frustrated with myself for taking so long to get here.  It's been nearly 8 months since I first started.  I've gone through so many times of being so on the ball for a few weeks, to then take a month off to goof around and gain back half of what I've lost. 

But, 2013 is a new year.  Although we're already well into this new year, the newness of it hasn't worn off of me yet.  I've declared 2013 to be my year to make impossible goals, and to surpass what I thought possible and actually reach those crazy goals.  I'm on my way!  I've lost 10.2 pounds since January 5.  That's no small potatoes!!  That's half of a bag of potatoes, actually.  Another 8.2 pounds and I'll be back down to my pre-Elsy weight.  Then I'll start focusing on my pre-Lily weight, another 10 pounds down to 232.  One I hit that weight, I'll be the smallest I've ever been in my adult life.  Yiii!  That's exciting.  I have a couple pair of pants just waiting to bust out of my closet once I hit that weight.

I've actually been able to liberate a few pairs of slacks from the bowels of my closet lately.  That's always a good feeling, to be able to go shopping in your own closet and find smaller sizes that fit.  Thanks to my new Zumba purchase, I think I'll be able to liberate even more pretty soon.  Zumba kicks butt, even the Wii variety.  I've been having fun, yes, FUN, playing Zumba at home.  I try to challenge myself to get these stupid little Zumba stars for doing a move right.  So far, I'm a Zumba master, getting almost all the stars I possibly can for each song.  There are a few songs that still trick me up, and I can't seem to get my feet move the right direction at the right time, but other than that, I feel like a rock star - in my living room. 

On the days that I get to speed walk around the playground while doing recess duty, along with doing Zumba at home, I can earn up to 6-7 activity points.  That's awesome!  But I learned today that Weight Watchers considers someone who earns 1-11 Weekly Activity Points as sedentary.  A person who earns 12-24 points in a week is only Moderately Active, and a person who earns more than 24 points in a week is Very Active.  Yikes!  Since I've bought the Activity Monitor, I'm usually getting at least 12 points a week, and sometimes up to 20.  I'm glad to know I'm at least Moderately Active, but now I want to bump it up and be thought of a Very Active person.  So there's my next goal, to get 24+ Activity Points in a week.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Are you reaching your health goals so far?  If so, what are you doing?  If not, what changes are you going to make to get yourself on track?

Are You Ready to Move It, Move It?

I do have moves like Mick Jagger.  Not the good ones, though.

I've been struggling for awhile now - let's say, oh, about six months - with how to get more active.  This past summer I was doing fan-flippin'-tastic after Elsy, baby #2, was born.  I was stepping out to the mall every day and doing the mall cruise with the AARP crowd.  It was pretty good.

And then school started back up, and with working late, and increasing my daily commute to an hour, all my exercise fell quickly to the wayside.

I tried to get up earlier and work out before waking up the kids.  I tried that briefly.  I think it lasted all of 2 days.  I thought about getting another gym membership and trying to hot step it out of the house as soon as I got home from work, but honestly, the moment I step inside the house at night, I know I'm not going back out for anything.

So, I've been struggling.  It's been tough to find my way out of this exercise limbo.

Thank you, Weight Watchers, for coming up with something to give me a little kick in the tush and get me moving again.

WW has a new toy called the "ActiveLink."  It's a little device that clips onto your clothes or can be worn on a necklace, and monitors how much activity you've achieved that day.  It's like a pedometer.  On steroids.  It's freaking awesome!  And it has really helped me to get my butt in gear.

The first week of having it, you don't do any extra activity at all, and it spends the week creating a baseline measurement of how much activity you normally participate in on a given day.  Then, the second week you start adding in more and more activity, and after you've reached your baseline target, you start to earn activity points on the Weight Watchers website.

It's pretty stinking cool.  It also sets a challenge for you to reach a desired amount of activity points in 12 weeks.  When you reach your daily goal, it does a mini light show for you.

Because it records my movement all day long, I have allowed myself to be more active in short bursts.  I do more "energy bursts" along with my students than I did previously.  I take the stairs more often if I can.  And I even do laps around the playground while I'm doing my recess duty - which has the added benefit of making me more aware of what's going on around the playground.  When I get home from work, I've been pulling out the Wii and doing Just Dance and the Wii Fit.  I tell Lily that Mommy gets to play the Wii first for 20 minutes, and then it's her turn.  So, I get to exercise while Koichi makes dinner, Elsy chills in her bouncer or playpen, and Lily reads books.  Pretty stinkin' awesome.

I've been at it now for about two weeks.  I think I'm going to get a new Wii game.  I'm having a hard time deciding between Zumba and Just Dance 4.  What do you think?  Which would you pick?

Are you getting in activity?  What are you doing to stay active?

2013 - The Year of the Beast

Okay, now that I've written the subject line, I see how very end of the world, too much literal translation of Revelations, happy, happy days of armageddon it is.

That wasn't my intention.

Instead...well, I've declared 2013 to be my year.

This is MY year.  You can share it if you want, but just know that This. Is. My. Year.

My year to become on the outside who I am in the inside.

Because on the inside I am beautiful, successful, sexy and just damn amazing.

So this is the year that I allow my exterior to reflect my interior.

2013 is my year to achieve unbelievably lofty goals.  I'm okay with that.  Because I'm a beast.  And this is my year.