Finding My: Quitting Isn't an Option

I've been a Weight Watcher's member for a long time now. Off and on, for the past 10 years, with varying degrees of success. I know from my experience, that my success (and lack thereof) is completely, and absolutely 100% a product of where I am mentally.

People don't lose weight by chance.

Never have I have ever stepped on the scale and said, "Oh my, I lost 10 pounds this month. How did that happen?" I always know what has happened.

Weight loss is a mental game.

It's not about the food.

It's not about the exercise.

It's not about the grocery list that I ignore, or the trips to Quick Trip for a drink, or stopping by Sonic for an ice cream. It's about the mental state that I'm in when I do those things.

For a long time, I've felt that food has some sort of power over me. It has the power to make me happy, feel loved, soothe my hurt feelings, intoxicate me, placate me, entertain me, and so much more. I've really felt that it was the food doing that. But, I know it's not. It can't be. Food is just food. It just is. It doesn't love me like I love it. It doesn't sit around dreaming of me, like I do of it. It doesn't eagerly anticipate our next meeting, or hope that our time together will be a beautiful moment that we'll treasure forever. All of that, is me. Me and my mind, making something more out of food than it is.

It's just food.

I have to realize that it's just food. All the other stuff, the touchy-feely roller coaster of emotions that go along with eating - that's all me. Me, and my brain, making more out of food than it really is. It's just food.

Now, I realize that I can write this, as if I'm being very pragmatically impartial about the whole thing. As if I've gotten over it. Like food no longer has any sway over me.

Ha! That's not me at all.

The fact of the matter is, I still feel loved, soothed, placated, satiated, and entertained by food. I'm just starting to accept responsibility. It's ME that's causing these feelings. The food is just a conduit by which they arrive.

So, if food is still capable of being so much more to me than merely fuel, what do I do about that? That's been a question that I haven't been able to answer for a long time.

During Weight Watcher's meetings I'd sometimes hear people say something like, "You can try loosing weight for other people, but in the end, it needs to be about you. You have to do it for yourself."

I've tried losing weight for myself. Know what I found out? I'm a very forgiving person. Want to take a couple weeks off? No problem! Want to forget tracking all together? Sure, you go right on ahead and do that.

Trying to lose weight for me didn't work. I don't think it's because I don't love myself enough. I do love myself. It's just that losing weight for me isn't a big motivator.

And I think that's okay.

Other times I'd hear people say a phrase that completely baffled me at the time. These people would always be in the middle of losing weight. They weren't plateaued, they weren't playing around, they were committed, and the program was working for them. They'd say, "Quitting isn't an option."

Why? I'd think. Why wasn't quitting an option for them? It was for me. I quit often. Sometimes daily. What was it that had happened to them, or for them, that made it no longer an option?

I can't answer that. I think that's something they'd have to answer for themselves. I know that when I try to do the program, track my food, and follow the WW plan, that whenever I do it just for myself, that quitting is ALWAYS an option. It's not a good option, but it's still an option.

However, with our recent trip to the pediatrician, and finding out what I'd allowed to happen to my children, I found a reason to finally say, "Quitting isn't an option." I can't quit, because I have to help my kids. I have model a healthy lifestyle for them. I have to ensure they live in a healthy environment. I have to be around long enough to see them become healthy adults. It's not an option to quit this time. It's not an option to fail, either.

I don't mean that to say that I can't have bumps in the road. I know there will be plenty of bumps. I had one just yesterday at my niece's birthday party. There was a vast array of different flavored cupcakes available, and a whole lot of leftovers. Had there been only one choice, I probably would have had only one cupcake. Maybe two.

I had four.
Peanut butter.
Pineapple upside down cake.
Apple pie.
And Oreo.

You would have eaten four also. You know you would have.
After I'd eaten them, I suddenly realized that I was trying REALLY HARD to stay in control. How was eating four cupcakes going to help me stay in control? That was a bump in the road. And later that day, tracking those four cupcakes was really hard. I didn't want to be honest about them. I didn't want to count all those points. But, I did. Because quitting isn't an option. They used up a good portion of my daily points, and I had to be very conscious about what I ate for dinner that night. So, I had a moment of momentary forgetfulness, where I forgot my reason for trying so hard. But the moment I remembered, I reigned myself back in and got right back on track.

Go, me.

I've tracked consistently, nearly every single day for the past 3 weeks. I don't think I've EVER been so faithful to tracking. I've heard over-and-over how tracking what you eat is the #1 success indicator of people  who lose weight and keep it off. I don't know why I've bucked against it so much in the past. I'm hoping it becomes more and more second nature to me.

It seems to have helped, though. I lost another 2.2 lbs this week. That makes 8.6 pounds gone over the past three weeks, since our visit with the nutritionist and the kids' doctor. I am starting to see a few changes. I think I don't look quite as pregnant as before. Although my youngest was born more than two years ago, I've looked like I'm pregnant ever since. A few weeks ago, I'd say that I looked about 7 months pregnant. Now, I'd say I'm closer to 5 or 6 months. Hopefully, the fat baby will continue to shrink away. I'm ready to not look pregnant anymore.

If you're struggling, like I struggle. I hope you, too, can find your reason for why quitting isn't an option. It helps to have something to hold onto when your brain is telling you how good something will taste, or how marvelous it will make you feel. My kids are my anchor. What's yours?