Um, hello?

Hi there.  I think.

I'm not sure if there's anyone out there, or not.

Are those crickets I hear chirping?

Sure is quiet in here.  Oh yeah, perhaps because it's because I stopped writing for several months.

Well, since it's just me in here now, I think I'll go ahead and take this moment to talk to myself.  Out loud.  On a computer.  Which, when written in an equation looks like this:

Talking out loud + Computer = Dementia Blogging

So, I went through this very interesting period of being very entrepreneurial ... is that even a word?  It is now.  And in my entrepreneurial phase I had decided to try and monetize my blogging efforts, start a podcast, and build a brand.  All good things.  For someone who knows the meaning of consistency, that is.  I have never been very good at consistency, so trying to do anything for more than a two week span, rarely ever happens.

I decided my weight loss hobby was just too expensive, so I cut my losses, and now that I have an itch to write again, I'm back here.

Okay, time to confess.  I'm good at confessing, to myself, alone in the dark, empty blogosphere, anyway.

Confession #1: I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I have so many things I want to do.  Dab-nabed adult onset ADD!  I swear that's what I have.

Confession #2: I seem to be an All or Nothing type of person.  I'm not sure this is how I want to define myself, but I'm not sure how to change this.  Maybe adding in some of that Consistency stuff that other people seem to have.  I wonder if I can get that at Target?

Confession #3: I weigh more now than I did a year ago.  I think.  I could check that.  I should check that.  Wait just a second while I go check that.

.....Just a minute.

.....It's loading.

.....It's done!

Crap.  I was right.  I've gained about 20 pounds since last year.  All in the space of about 4 months.


Confession #4: I have a hard time believing in myself.  There are certain things I want to do with my life (like be a real-life, professional, New York Times best-selling novelist all while traveling the globe and being so wealthy that I am financially independent...oh yeah, and have a smokin' hot body, too!), but I have a hard time believing that I have the ability to reach my dreams.  I don't think I have what it takes to be truly successful.

I've caught myself several times this week saying to myself, "Why bother trying?  You're just going to fail, anyway."  I know this self-defeating attitude is not the least bit helpful, and is probably a way of giving myself an excuse to not try.  I realize this.  I'm not sure what to do to stop it, though.

I even tried turning to Google for an answer to my problem.
Evidently, a lot of people search for "What to do when you don't believe in yourself."
Unfortunately, not a lot of people seem to have a good answer.

I'm still not sure what to do.  It's been a particularly hard past couple of weeks of looking inward and not liking who I see.  I don't like this overabundance of self-doubt.

But, I think that at least trying to verbalize it, think about it, and look for ways to get past it are all good things.  At least I'm not wallowing in it.  If anyone knows how to wallow, it's me.  I am a world-class wallower.

But, I'd much rather wallow in how awesome I am, rather than how disappointed I am in myself.

Confession #5:  I have no jeans that fit anymore.  I gave away all my too-big jeans when we moved and now my jeans that fit a couple of months ago are seriously too tight.  I'd have to stand up all day, and I'd still not be able to take a deep breath.  This is a critical moment.  I live for jeans days at work, and now I'm finally in a place where I get them every Friday.  EVERY Friday, people!  And I haven't been able to enjoy them because I have no jeans that fit.

Time to do something about that.