The Groove

I'm trying very hard to get back into the groove of having a Weight Watcher's friendly kitchen, and a Weight Watcher's friendly mindset.  The kitchen is the easy part.

The mindset -- not so much.

I'm doing okay...but not super duper great.
The weekends are still the worst.
If my family was made up of crappy cooks, it might be easier, but it's like everyone is a former member of the CIA - the Culinary Institute of America, of course.

Yesterday was a family get-together for my dad and aunt's birthday.  The dinner theme was a little nod to Italy: cheese-filled tortellini in Alfredo sauce with seafood bits, chicken and sausage-stuffed manicotti,  angel-hair pasta with sun-dried tomatoes and pesto sauce, and tons of garlic bread.  It's like the Carbohydrate Creature from Outer Space came and threw up all over the table.  There was a salad, but that had almost as much mozzarella cheese in it as vegetables. 

I tried to be good.
I really did.
I had one plate of food and then stopped.
But I wasn't full yet...so I went back for more and got.....salad!
That's a big step for me.

And at dessert time, instead of sampling all 4 deserts like I wanted to, I stuck to half-slices of the 2 that I really wanted to try.

It seemed like I was doing pretty well.
I won't mention that a few hours later I was eating another big helping of the pesto and garlic bread, and that I ate 2 slices of cake standing up over the sink.  I won't mention that at all.

Self-control is so hard for me.  I know this.  That's why I don't allow foods like that into my home, because I will eat them all, oh you glorious foods, get into my belly!  can't say "no." 

So, I'm making baby steps.  I know changing my lifestyle from one of complete gluttony to a healthy, mindful lifestyle won't happen overnight.  Or over a week.  Or a month.  Or maybe even a year.  But, I trust that someday it WILL happen.

HARDER and LONGER than ever before!

You know what I'm talking about, right?
Right?
I mean....you DO know what I'm talking about here, right?

Why are you looking at me like that?
What's that little smile for?
I mean, all I wrote was harder and longer than ever before.

Well, what do YOU think I'm talking about?

WHAT?!!?

You have such a dirty mind.

I'm talking about my exercise, of course!
D'uh!!

Today I exercised longer and harder than ever before.
I don't know how you could read anything else into that.
Sheesh.

I bumped up both the amount of time I worked out, and the intensity level.
And I hated nearly every moment of it.
But, it's over now, and I'm proud of myself.

There is one thing that I did enjoy while working out, though.
Sweating.
Well, not sweating, per se, but I did get some satisfaction of knowing that I was working so hard that sweat was dripping from my hair.

I'm not usually a big sweater.
I'm more of a gentle glistener.

So, today I wore my sweat-soaked clothes as a badge of honor.
My wet, stinky workout clothes that displayed my hard work in all my sweaty glory.

Anybody want a gloriously sweaty hug?

The World Cup of Weight Loss

I don't get soccer.  I really don't.
I realize I am totally American in that aspect.
I tried to get it.
When my little brother played soccer, I went to some games.
Unwillingly.
Bored out of my skull.
Pouting, sulking, and whining until my parents didn't make me go anymore.
Because I really, really didn't get it at all.

There is one thing about soccer that I like though:
When the commentators yell out with all their heart,
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!


That amuses me.
Greatly.

And I can relate to that.
Goals.
Making them.
Breaking them.
Not reaching them.
Wanting a "do-over" to try again.

I've had plenty of goals in my life.
And many of them I've reached.

I lived in a foreign country by myself for three years.

I taught myself a second language.

I earned a post-baccalaureate teaching certificate.

I will have earned a Master's degree next month.

I know what it is to have a goal in mind, and reach it.

But, when it comes to weight loss, I've failed to reach nearly every goal that I've put in front of myself.
I'm not sure why there's this disparity.
It's frustrating.

But, it doesn't stop me from making new goals.
Especially where there is....motivation.

I have two things that are really motivating me to stay on track and keep my butt in gear.

MOTIVATION NUMBER ONE:
My Japanese in-laws are seriously thinking of getting together next summer.  We saw them last summer, but haven't been back to Japan since then.  My parents-in-law want to see their only grand daughter and so they will provide us with a round-trip-all-expenses-paid-vacation-in.....Hawaii!!  Yeah, I know, pretty awesome, right?!  (Hawaii is kinda like the halfway point from us in the Midwest, and them in Japan.  Plus, there's a lot of Japanese people in Hawaii, so it's not exactly Japan - not exactly America....it's Jameripan!  Or something like that.)  


I've never been to Hawaii, and it would be absolutely fantastic to be able to enjoy it without worrying so much about my fat rolls and thunder thighs.  Plus, my in-laws would be so proud of me for losing weight.  They've mentioned before, how worried they are about my health, and my very unhealthy weight.


MOTIVATION NUMBER TWO:
IF I can get down to a semi-healthy weight (say, around the 200# mark, which is considerably healthier than I am right now), AAAAAAAAAAND....IF Koichi can get transferred to days instead of working nights.....THEN.......we think we're going to start trying for munchkin #2.  (This motivation has a lot of stipulations, though....so I've really got to get on the ball and do my part!)

Although my daughter is very, very high maintenance, and so far has been the absolute best form of birth control, I've come to the conclusion that God is good, and loving and kind, and there is no way He would do that to me two times in a row.  I hope.


So, I've got some goals in mind.
Things to aim for.
They're a little ways away, but I've got something to keep in the back of my mind when I'm eyeing the lasagna and thinking about seconds, or when I'm driving through Sonic for a drink and my mind starts to tell me how good a large order of onion rings would be.

So self, keep your eyes on the goal.
So that next summer when you're lying on the beach, you can think to yourself,
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It's Everywhere! It's Everywhere!

Lock your doors!
Pull down your shades!
Hide under the covers!
And for goodness sake, TURN OFF THE TV!


That's kinda how I felt today.
It just seems like food is EVERYWHERE.
Especially on TV.

And not healthy food either.
It's not like I saw a bunch of commercials for Dole bananas or a talk show panel debating the merits of different types of apples (I vote for Gala, Braeburn, and Jonagold, by the way).

Oh no, it's grease-laden, batter-dipped, deep-fried, artery-clogging, heart-stopping, ooey, gooey, slathered-in-butter, and dipped in caramel sauce.  And then, it's touted as HAPPINESS.

I am not kidding.  I actually saw a commercial today for a restaurant (Golden Corral, actually) and afterwards the tag line was something like, "Help Yourself to Happiness."

Really?
Is that what happiness is?
$10 for a buffet is happiness?
Gorging myself until my pants are so tight that they're digging into my flesh and make ugly red rings around my middle is happiness?
Well, I didn't realize that happiness comes so cheaply.

I don't know why, but that commercial really irked me.
Can you tell?

I can say with certainty that spending 47 minutes at Golden Corral, stuffing my face with three plates of food, and a full plate of deserts, plus ice cream....with sprinkles....is not happiness.

But I can think of some things that are pure happiness:
- My daughter's infectious laughter and her husky just-got-up-voice saying, "Good morning, Mommy!"
- My husband reaching out his arms to pull me into an embrace right before we say goodbye.
- Enjoying time with my relatives, laughing with them, recollecting old memories and telling stories of things and events that we experienced together.
- Spending time with my friends, who have known me for so long that they know me better than I know myself, and yet can still surprise me sometimes.

I know I can think of lot more things, but these go at the top of the list.

You know something that won't be on my list?
Watching TV.
Or the commercials.
Especially for Golden Corral.


************************************************
Just a side note:
We don't actually watch much TV at our house.  We don't have cable, and for three years we didn't get any local channels at all.  So, now that we have moved and actually have local channels, we're so out of the habit of watching TV, that we have watched all of one sit-com in the past month.  Today's incident with the commercials happened at the gym.  I happened to look up at one of the screens and there were three commercials in a row all for food.  I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to look away.  

One Or the Other

Evidently, I don't have the ability yet to do both exercise and eating right.  It's one or the other.  At least, that's how it seems to be right now.

Today I kicked butt and was taking names when it came to exercise.  I had a couple Heroes episodes to finish, so I banged that elliptical machine into submission for a full 60 minutes.  Plus cool down time, baby.  Oh yeah.

But then came the eating part.
This morning and afternoon weren't so bad.
WW english muffin and banana for breakfast.
Lunch was corn on the cob with bacon & tomato sandwiches.  (And I'm actually counting this as healthy eating because the only thing that really had any points was the bacon.  45 calorie bread and light Miracle Whip are together only 1 point, so boo-yah!)  Even dessert was low in points: watermelon and crustless strawberry "pie" (made with sliced strawberries, sugar-free jello, and sugar-free pudding).

So, I was doing well.  Really well.
Until dinner.

I made the mistake of asking Koichi what he wanted.
So I blame him for the copious amounts of lemon chicken, twice-cooked pork, white rice, and lo-mein noodles I ate this evening.  Not to mention the 3 crab rangoons and chicken satay that somehow wandered into my hands and quickly down my gullet.

So, it's a darn good thing that I exercised today.
Maybe someday soon I can get my act together enough to do both healthy eating (all day long, imagine that!) and exercise like I mean it.

My, My Miss American Pie

I made pie today.
It was pretty yummy.
Peaches, blackberries, blueberries, a little cinnamon and nutmeg.  Oh, and some sugar.
Just a little bit, along with a whole lot of Splenda.

So it's day two of back-on-track-me.  And it hasn't been too bad of a day.

I survived two church picnics.
I ate within my points (I'm guessing).
And I didn't get so stuffed that I was physically uncomfortable or felt the need to sit around with my skirt unbuttoned, and my shirt covering it up so no one could see.  Not that I've ever done that before...

I did have a very weird experience today, though.  And I'm not sure what to make of it.
I think maybe it had something to do with fiber.
Or something.
It's kinda gross though, so if you want to stop reading now, I'll understand.

You've been warned.

So, I'm at my friend's house for a church picnic, and I feel the urge to "go."  Really, really go.  In fact, my stomach is starting to cramp up quite painfully.  I grab Lily to take her with me, because I didn't want to let her run around unattended and bothering everyone while I spent, what was looking like it was going to be, a considerable amount of time in the bathroom.

Of course, on my way to said restroom, everyone, including my priest, had something very important to say to me, that had to be said right at that particular moment in time.  No one seemed to notice me clenching my butt cheeks teeth together tightly and holding my stomach.  Finally, I got to the restroom and did my bizness.

Unfortunately, it didn't help my tummy feel any better.
So I just sat there, thinking there were...umm...more kids to drop off at the pool, if you know what I mean.
But there weren't.
So I waited.  Still in pain.  And then I realized something odd was happening.

I was getting very hot and clammy all of the sudden.
And I was having trouble catching my breath.
And I started feeling light-headed.
And then the edges of my vision started to blacken...and I realized what was about to happen.

I was going to faint.
Right there.
On the pot.
With my bare ass hitting the floor.

I wasn't about to let that happen if I could help it.
So, while hyperventilating, I quickly cleaned my rear, then sunk to my knees, and barely got my didies up before I collapsed on the floor.  I didn't even bother pulling up my skirt.  It just lay there hugging my ankles.

I hadn't fainted.  But I knew if I didn't get horizontal pronto, I was going to.
And I would rather voluntarily lay down on a bathroom floor than to come crashing down on one unconscious.

Lily thought we were taking a nap, so she laid down on the floor behind me.

It was weird.

I'm still not sure why that happened.

I've only fainted a few times in my life, but they've scared me so badly, that I have remembered the signs.  And though I've usually fainted while standing up, this is actually the second time that I've started to faint while sitting on the crapper.  That's not something everyone can say about themselves.  The first time I nearly fainted was the day after Lily was born and I was trying to take a pee on my own without the catheter.

I really wanted to pee because that was one of the conditions from the doctor to let me out of the hospital I was in to go see Lily (who was in the NICU of another hospital).  Though I had a huge motivation to let the pee fly, I wasn't able to do it, and I realized then that I was about to faint, and I had to pull on the little I'm-in-trouble-while-sitting-on-the-shitter-emergency-string.

The three nurses who came to save me were pretty put out that I'd tried so hard and waited so long to ask for help.  When they got there, I begged them to let me lie down on the bathroom floor, but they must have thought was a little unsanitary, or they just didn't want to have to haul my hefty ass off the floor because they made me walk all the way back to my bed, with me hyperventilating all the way.  I know, totally rude, right?

But today there was no string to pull, and I didn't exactly want anyone coming in to see my lying on the floor with my polka dotted panties barely up and over my butt with Lily lying down beside me, playing with my hair.  I just waited until my breathing slowed down, and I felt a little clearer-headed before I got up.

So, that's the weird, random happening for today.

I know it has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss.

I just thought I'd share.  Aren't you lucky?

And after I got up and moving around, I felt fine.  I came home and took a nap, and went back out for another church picnic this evening, without suffering through the awkwardness in the bathroom.

Totally weird.
Totally random.
And totally a good reason to put on clean didies every day, just like your momma taught you to.

Two Steps Forward, Twelve Steps Back

Did you think you had seen the last of me?

Well.....YOU DIDN'T!

I'm back.
I may not be "all here" in terms of being all gung ho about losing weight, exercising, and eating right...but for right now, this moment in time, I'm right here.

I haven't blogged in over a month.
Wow.
I suck.

I can admit to suckage.

I've thought about blogging every single day, though.
It's funny.
I know in my heart, and even in my head, that I have better chances of sticking to the program if I will just commit to being honest and blogging.

Almost every day something has struck me and I'd think to myself, "That would be a good post for my blog!" but for some reason I haven't been here to share.

I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Especially to those who were looking to me for motivation.
I know it's inspiring to know someone who is successfully doing (or has successfully done) what you want to do.
I'm sorry if I haven't been that girl for awhile now.

So, let's be honest.
I've fallen down.
Pretty hard.
And I'm just finally starting to shake the dust off my knees and get back on my feet.

Here's the honest-to-goodness truth:
I've gained back 12 pounds.
In three weeks.
Landing me back up at 266.4 pounds.

Most of it was due to the move.
We moved out of our old rental house into a new rental house, and for two weeks we ate out for almost every meal.
And when we finally got all of the food moved back into our new house, I was so used to eating whatever piece of batter-dipped, french fried crap I wanted, that I couldn't get back on track for over a week.

I'm still struggling.

This last week was a little better.
I finally journaled a couple of days.
I even went to the gym once or twice.
And thank goodness, that I lost 2 pounds this week.

So, now I'm at 264.4 pounds.
Closer to 300 than 200 right now.
And that sucks.
But I've nobody to blame but myself.

But, I'm not going to wallow in blame right now, or guilt.
I'm just going to say,
"Well, that does suck.  But I can either keep sliding backwards, or I can start to move forwards.  What's it gonna be?"

I'm making the conscious decision to start moving forwards again.

I realize that losing 100 pounds before the end of the year is now impossible.
And that's a shame.

AW, SCREW IT!
I'm  not going to beat myself up for the mistakes I've made.
So what if I don't reach my big goal in my given time frame?!
All I have to do is just reach it.

Confucius say, "The biggest journeys all start with a single step."

Yoda say, "Try?  Try?  There is no try.  There is only do, or not do."

But the best is what my Lord, Jesus, says, "In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

So, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.
Stop trying, and start doing.
And trust God to be with me every step of the way.