The Heart of Rock & Roll

Is the beat-uh.
Right?

So today I'm wondering, what is the heart of my struggle with food.
I was nearly in tears this morning as I left my weekly Weight Watchers, not because I had another gain (which I did), but because I realized that I have been floating like driftwood through my life for the past several months.  I haven't been proactive, I've just been ho-humming along with the flow of whatever is going on, not planning, not preparing, just reacting.  And reacting badly, I might add, to unexpected and even expected circumstances.  I left the meeting this morning feeling like I had no driving force giving my weight loss any momentum.

I am probably not making any sense here, so just bear with me for a moment while I rant.

So, I realized that I've just been drifting.  Okay.  Don't drift.  Be more purposeful.  Make a plan.  Be proactive.  Yes, yes, yes.  Those are all good ideas.  I think I'll do that.

But, deep down in the murky, watery recesses of my bad habits, something is lurking.  Something strong is the current that pulls me along helplessly, and this is what I want to figure out.  What is this overwhelming desire to eat so much?

Now, I want you to understand me.  I don't simply desire to eat a lot.  I desire to eat EVERYTHING.  Down in my bottom of my heart, when I see a pan of brownies, I don't want to stop at 1 or 2.  I want to eat the entire pan.  And I don't want to share.  A carton of ice cream, that's meant for me to eat in one sitting.  A large pizza, why that entire thing should be my dinner.  Get your hands off, it's mine.

I don't actually eat like this.
Often.
Usually.
Well, not in front of other people anyway, because that would be embarrassing.  Social norms help to keep my gluttony in check.

Ahhhh.....gluttony.
That word just finally popped into my mind.
There you are, you dirty little word.
I'd forgotten about you.

Do you visualize what gluttony looks like?
In my mind, gluttony looks like a big, sweaty, green, mucous dripping pile of blobbiness.
And it's in my heart.

Wow, I think I really worked myself into a revelation.
When I began this post, I really was wondering this, "Why do I want to eat everything all the time, and nothing ever satisfies me."
And now I've reached my answer:  gluttony.  

I don't know if this means much to you or not.  But, it means a whole lot to me.
See, I'm a Christian, and so I believe very strongly in the reality of sin.  And we have names for certain sins, and the one I'm struggling so much with is gluttony.

The real danger of sin though, is when they go unnoticed - when you can't name them, because you're unaware of them in your life.  That makes sin more powerful.  But naming your sin, and realizing that it is in your life, that begins the process of destroying that sin's hold on you.

The ancient fathers of the Christian faith recognized the deadliness of gluttony.  I have a little booklet about the passions (that's old Christian verbiage for those things we struggle with in life, meaning sin).  I'm going to grab it right now, because I obviously need to be reading more about gluttony and what the early Christians, those closest in lineage to Christ and the Apostles, had to say about this particular sin.

Okay...here it is.  It's not big.  It's just a tiny little booklet called The Teaching of the Holy Fathers on the Passions and is published by Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society.  Here's what it says in the introduction:

"The teaching of the Orthodox Church Fathers may be summarized by this parable:
     In the city there was a courtesan who had many lovers.  The governor came to her and said, "If you will promise to be good, I will marry you."   She promised, and the governor brought her to his home.
    
     But her former lovers said to each other, "That ruler took her to his house.  Let us go to the back of the house and whistle for her.  Then, when she recognizes the whistle, she will come down."

     When she heard the whistle she stopped her ears and withdrew to an inner chamber, shutting the door fast behind her.

     Abba John explains that this courtesan represents our soul.  Her lovers are the passions.  The governor is Christ, and the inner chamber is the eternal dwelling.  Those who whistled are the demons.  Behold, how this soul took refuge in the Lord!"

So there's me...the wanton woman.  But instead of stopping up my ears, I've been carousing around.  So much so, with gluttony anyway, that I ceased to even recognize that it was sin in my life.

But, now I see you, gluttony.  I have you in my sights.  I name you.  I know you.  I will be released from you, by the One who releases us from all sin.  Christ.

I totally wasn't planning on getting preachy when I began this post.  Honestly, it was the farthest thing from my mind.  But this has been a really good reminder for me that this journey is not just a physical one about calories in, calories out...it's most importantly a spiritual matter.  I'd forgotten that.  I've been working this out on my own, instead of asking God's help and divine guidance.

So please excuse me....
I have some praying and confessing to do.